Don’t Prune The Tree Of Knowledge

| Kaysville, UT, USA | Crazy Requests

(I work at a university extension where we offer broadcast courses. A gruff guy walks up to the front desk. His speech is a little hard to understand.)

Man: “So, can you guys teach me how to prune?”

Coworker: “Print?”

Man: “No, prune.”

Me: “Uh, sorry, this is a university.”

Man: “How can I get you guys to come prune my trees for free?”

Me: *speechless*

Due Tonight Vs. Do Tonight

| Illinois, USA | School

(I’m a librarian in a university library. It’s almost 5 PM and I’m getting ready to go home.)

Student: “Hi, I have a research paper and I don’t know how to find sources for it.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your topic?”

Student: “It’s [topic].”

Me: “That one might be tough to find a lot of information on. When is the paper due?”

Student: “Midnight.”

Words Fail Me

| Michigan, USA | School

(A student comes in to the Registrar’s office to pick up a transcript. After discovering that she never placed an order, I tell her to place the order so that it will be ready in the afternoon. After checking the system over the course of several hours and not seeing the order, I call the student.)

Me: “Yes, I see you still have not placed your order.”

Student: “I placed it hours ago!”

Me: “Uh oh, I hope something is not wrong with our system. Did you get confirmation that the order went through?”

Student: “Yes! I still have it up right here on my screen. It says right here: ‘Transaction Failed’!”

TLDNStudy

| Massachusetts, USA | School

(I work at a university; note that it is generally considered very academically competitive.)

Student: “I think there’s a hold on my account.”

Me: “Yes, health services put a registration hold on your account because they don’t have your immunization—”

Student: “Wait, that’s a big word! I don’t know what that means!”

Staying (Six Feet) Under The Radar

| Orono, ME, USA | Family & Kids

(Note: I work at a college financial aid office, and am speaking with the parents of a student.)

Parent: “And why do you need my information?”

Me: “We need the parents’ information for dependent students because they are still technically relying on their parents.”

Parent: “What if I was dead?”

Me: “But sir, you’re not dead.”

Parent: “But what if I was dead? What if I die?”

Me: “Well, sir, both parents would need to die and you are, in fact, not dead.”

Parent: *angrily* “Fine, I’ll send the information!” *click*

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