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  • Let’s Hope He’s All Talk And No Trousers

    | MI, USA | Rude & Risque

    (At my job, we plan and host events for a small private college community. I am manning the phones, and I get a call from a retired professor trying to order tickets to a popular event that had sold out the week before.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but tickets sold out last week. If you like, I can put you on a waiting list in case someone cancels their reservation.”

    Retired Professor: “Sure, sweetheart, let’s do that. We can always cross our fingers and hope that someone dies.”

    Me: “…That, too.”

    Retired Professor: “So, if I get a call from you, I’ll put pants on and bring the check over to the office?”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Retired Professor: “Or, maybe I’ll forget the pants. At my age, pants are optional.”

    Me: “I envy you.”

    Retired Professor: *has a wheezing laugh attack* “I hope I cheered you up on this rainy Monday, sweetheart! Have a nice day!” *click*

    Polly Want A Chromosome

    , | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

    Alum: “Can I use it?”

    Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

    Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

    Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

    Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

    Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

    Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

    (I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

    An Interest In Corruption

    , | USA | Money, School

    (I work in the fines office of a university library. A professor has come in, outraged that he has been blocked from checking items out. Upon pulling up his account, I see that he has a staggering 700 books checked out and $4,500 in fines.)

    Professor: “I need to check out books for a presentation tomorrow! This system is corrupt!”

    Me: “If there are more than $80 in fines, patrons cannot check out. But as long as you bring these overdue books in before [date] all the fines will be removed.”

    Professor: “I can’t do that!” *pulls out checkbook* “Here’s what I’m going to do. I will write you a check for $4,500 so I can check out more books. Then, when I bring the overdue books in, you will pay me the $4,500 back with interest. Got it?!”

    Not Much Of An Enabler

    | Kansas, USA | Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Top

    (My college has a free laser tag game set up in the courtyard by a local group. One of the players, a boy I know fairly well, is knock-kneed to the point of it being a minor disability, and slowing his steps tremendously. He is a good shot, however, and wishes to play. We have about three rounds when a woman storms up to the two men running the event as we all re-load.)

    Woman: “Why are you letting them pick on this poor boy?”

    Employee #1: “Pick on… who?” *looks at group, confused*

    Woman: *points at the knock-kneed boy* “Him!”

    Me: “We’re picking on you?”

    Boy: “No, don’t think so. I’m having fun!”

    Woman: “How can you have fun? They can all run around, and you can’t! You have to hold still!”

    Boy: “A lot of people hold still, there are the forts to hang onto.”

    Girl: “And thanks for reminding him about the disability, lady.”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, I assure you [company] does not allow bullying in its games.”

    Woman: “You can’t let disabled people play sports! They feel discriminated against!”

    Employee #1: “So, in order not to discriminate against this boy by letting him play, we should discriminate against him by not letting him play?”

    Woman: “I’m reporting this!” *storms off to the help desk*

    (She found out that the help desk was student run, and the boy running it was the knock-kneed boy’s former roommate. She was laughed out!)

    Reading Requires Reason

    | Yorkshire, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at a very busy college, with around 10,000 spread over three sites. During office hours, all calls divert to the main free-phone number, which just happens to be covered by me.)

    Me: “Hello, [company name], how can I help?”

    Caller: “Yes, I want to make a complaint. I sent an email around two weeks ago and still haven’t heard anything back!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Let me check the records and I’ll call you back in ten minutes.”

    (I then check all emails from two weeks ago, then three weeks ago. No luck. When I look for one week ago, I find the enquiry and the reply, sent within three hours. I call the client back.)

    Me: “Our records show that we responded within three hours of your enquiry. You may be looking to far down in your mailbox as the replay was sent one week ago, not two.”

    Caller: “Well, I haven’t checked my email.”

    Me: “Wait, if you haven’t checked your email, why have you called to complain?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t read my emails very often!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we can only send the email, not make you read them.”

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