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    Their Scam Doesn’t Pan Out

    , | MI, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, School, Theme Of The Month

    (In our college cafeteria, you can eat as much as you want. I make and cook and cut pizza and serve it on a tray, where students can serve themselves. I have just made two cheese pizzas and put one of them on the serving tray. I have made a backup due to the lunch rush. Two students approach.)

    Student #1: “Excuse me; do you have any fresh pizza?”

    Me: “The one that is there came out of the oven less than five minutes ago. I’m sure it’s quite good.”

    Student #2: “But there’s two pieces missing.”

    Me: “Well, someone came and took some pizza since I put it out.”

    Student #1: “I want some fresh pizza. Why can’t you give me a piece of the one you have there?”

    (The student points to the pizza I just put in the hot box that is used to keep food warm.)

    Me: “That pizza came out of the oven at the same time as the one that’s out on the tray.”

    Student #1: “But it’s been sitting out.”

    Me: “For less than five minutes.”

    Student #2: “Fine. Whatever b****.”

    (I turn my back to continue making pizzas, when my manager approaches.)

    Manager: “Hey, you need to get another cheese pizza out, pronto!”

    Me: “Already? I just put one out!”

    (A coworker approaches us.)

    Coworker: “Dude, did you see what happened?”

    Manager: “What?”

    Coworker: “Those girls each took four pieces of pizza when your back was turned and threw it out so they could get ‘fresher’ pizza.”

    Me: “Are you serious?!”

    Coworker: “Yeah! Here they come!”

    Student #2: “Do you have a fresh pizza out?”

    Manager: “Did you just take an entire pizza and throw it out so that you could get a different one?”

    Student #1: “Well she wasn’t serving fresh pizza!”

    Coworker: “She’s lying! [My Name] had put that pizza out maybe two minutes before they came here. Two pieces were missing because the guy in front of them took them.”

    Manager: “We’re going to have to have a little chat about wasting perfectly good food.”

    (My manager had a long talk with the girls and got them to admit that they threw out an entire pizza. After that, my manager gave me permission to refuse service to those two. Thankfully, I never saw them again anyway.)

    He Got Burned

    | England, UK | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, School, Top

    (I am appointed as a volunteer marshal at college. The college hosts a book launch, and the fire alarm goes off. Most people follow directions to the fire exits, but one guest is sat there drinking his free champagne.)

    Me: “You can bring your drink if you like, sir, but we have to go outside and wait for the fire brigade to tell us it’s safe to re-enter.”

    Guest: “No, I shall stay here. It’ll be a false alarm.”

    Me: “I have no way of knowing if it’s a real fire or a false alarm, so please come with me to the assembly point, sir.”

    Guest: “I’m not taking instructions from you! Who do you think you are?”

    Me: “Just a voluntary fire marshal, sir.”

    Guest: “Just a student, then.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m a student here. Sorry about this, sir, but there’s a formality I have to conduct.”

    (I take out my phone and start the video camera. I point it at him.)

    Me: “It’s 12:57 pm. The fire alarm is sounding. I’m instructing you to follow me to the fire exit.”

    Guest: “Pathetic. And I’m refusing. What’s the point of that little charade? To show it to your friends on Youtube?”

    Me: “No, sir. If it proves necessary, to show it to the coroner at your inquest.”

    (I turn and leave. The guest waits until I’m turning the corner, and then follows.)

    Translation Kollaboration

    | NY, USA | Language & Words, School

    (Campus security has stopped a lost visitor, and is trying to work out where he wants to go. The visitor speaks very poor English, but the officer is trying his best.)

    Visitor: “I want go, skink labatree.”

    Security: “You wanna go where?”

    Visitor: “A skink labatree.”

    Security: “Oh, that’s, like, a little lizard. Reptile lab? Lizards? Snakes?”

    Visitor: “No, no, a skink labatree. Kell skinky.”

    Security: “Kill? Like, animal disposal?”

    Visitor: “No, no! I want call my daughter, but…”

    (The visitor holds up a cell phone.)

    Visitor: “No battery!”

    Security: “Ahh, okay. Wanna try mine?”

    (Security offers the visitor his phone.)

    Visitor: “No, no, I don’t know she kell. No battery my kell.”

    Security: “Hold up a sec.”

    (Security points to his cell phone.)

    Visitor: “Kell phone, no battery!”

    Security: “Kell laboratory?”

    Visitor: “Kell labatree!”

    Security: *scribbling on a piece of paper* “Skink?”

    Visitor: *overjoyed* “Yes! Skink labatree!”

    Security: “Okay, let’s go!”

    (On the paper: “SCIENCE.” I later learned that the visitor had taught himself English almost entirely by reading, and assumed all ‘C’s were hard ‘K’s.)

    Ink And You’ll Miss It

    | Gainesville, FL, USA | Rude & Risque, School

    (Our university has been around for a while. As such our mascot, Albert, has changed a bit over the years. I overhear an amusing conversation at a register next to me, the Sunday after a big win. Customer #1 is buying a shirt with the old-style Albert on it.)

    Customer #2: “Man! The old style Albert is so lame looking!”

    Customer #1: “Dude, what about the one on your butt?!”

    Customer #2: “Oh, yeah!”

    Coworker: *laughing* “Yeah, right.”

    Customer #2: “Nope!”

    (Customer #2 pulls down his pants just a bit, but at this time I can’t see it.)

    Coworker: “I thought you were joking!”

    (Customer #2 laughs and moves over to my register, as I’m now free.)

    Coworker: “Wait, can I see that tattoo again?”

    Customer #2: “Sure!”

    (He pulls his pants down a bit again, and this time I can see the ‘old style’ Albert indeed tattooed on his butt.)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, never get a tattoo while drunk.”

    Not Exactly A Bright Spark

    | CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (Through my high school years I had worked as a contractor. When I go to college I help pay my way through by being a maintenance worker in the dormitories. It is my very first week of work, and I receive a work order that the power is out in the wall opposite the entry door. I arrive at the apartment and the resident lets me in before returning to her room. I proceed to check every outlet in the room and find they are all working perfectly.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, which wall was it that has no power? There seems to be a mix up in the description I received.”

    Tenant: “Oh, it’s this one right here.”

    (The tenant points to the wall that was described and tested first.)

    Me: “Well, what kind of problems are you having with it? I tested it and the outlet on this wall seems to be working just fine.”

    Tenant: “No, the outlet is not working. There is no power. See, look!”

    (She flips the switch to the lamp that is plugged in up and down a few times.)

    Tenant: “There’s no power!”

    (I bend down to check under the lamp shade and see a clearly blackened bulb. Upon unscrewing it, it makes the distinctive rattle.)

    Me: “Well, here is your problem: the bulb is dead.”

    Tenant: “What do you mean it’s dead?!”

    Me: “Well, the bulb is burnt out. I can get you a new one; it’s no problem.”

    Tenant: “Well, how can you even tell?!”

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