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    Dire Education

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

    Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

    Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

    Student: *gives me the info*

    Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

    (I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

    Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

    Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

    Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

    Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

    Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

    Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

    Me: “You called us, remember?”

    Student: *click*

    Please God, Let These Be Rhetorical Questions

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

    Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”

    Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

    (I start looking up his record on the database.)

    Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

    Student: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

    Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

    Me: “…”

    Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

    It’s Aliiiiive!

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

    Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

    Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
    demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

    Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

    Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

    Caller: “Ooh… ”

    Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

    Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

    Caller: “Ooh.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

    Bonus Points If He Manages To Tie His Shoes

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”

    Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “Where are you located?”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”

    Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”

    Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”

    Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”

    Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”

    Caller: “Huh? Junction?”

    Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”

    Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”

    Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*

    Past, Present, or Future, She Ain’t Graduating

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)

    Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”

    Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ’09 instead of May?”

    Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ’08!”

    Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”

    Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”


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