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    Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Dumb

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)

    Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

    Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

    Me: “What–why?!”

    Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

    Me: “…”

    Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

    University Of Homer Simpson, Part 2

    , | Oneonta, NY, USA |

    (A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

    Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

    Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

    Me: “Like the author?”

    Student: *blank stare*

    Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

    Student: “Yeah!”

    Related: University Of Homer Simpson

    Dire Education

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

    Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

    Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

    Student: *gives me the info*

    Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

    (I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

    Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

    Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

    Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

    Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

    Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

    Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

    Me: “You called us, remember?”

    Student: *click*

    Please God, Let These Be Rhetorical Questions

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

    Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”

    Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

    (I start looking up his record on the database.)

    Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

    Student: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

    Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

    Me: “…”

    Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

    It’s Aliiiiive!

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

    Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

    Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
    demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

    Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

    Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

    Caller: “Ooh… ”

    Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

    Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

    Caller: “Ooh.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

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