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    Masticating Morons

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

    Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

    Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

    Me: “Er…enough for what?”

    Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

    Future Business Leaders Of America, Indeed

    | Troy, NY, USA |

    (A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

    Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

    College student: “Yes, I need to get 4 dollars out of the bank.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

    College student: “Well…what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

    Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

    College student: “Yes.”

    Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

    College student: “You can do that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    College student: “Technology these days!”

    (I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)

    Testing The Testers

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Admissions, this is ****. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello. A man called me from your office yesterday. Can you tell me who that was?”

    Me: “Well, there are a number of men who work in our office. Do you remember his name?”

    Caller: “It was a man.”

    Me: “I understand that, ma’am. However, there are five men in our office who could have called you.”

    Caller: “Can you list them for me?”

    (I proceed to list the males who work in our office.)

    Caller: “No, those don’t sound right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those are the only men who work in this office.”

    Caller: “It was a man!”

    Me: “Yes, I understand. However, I can’t help you unless you know any more details. Can you tell me what the call was regarding?”

    Caller: “It was a man! That’s all I know! Please transfer me to the man who called me! You should be able to know who called me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t track calls that go out. That’s a privacy issue. However, if you could just give me some details…”

    Caller: “My son’s name is ****. Why can’t you figure out who called me?!”

    (I proceed to look up the counselor responsible for her son’s area of the country.)

    Me: “All right, I have the name of the man right here. Would you like me to transfer you?”

    Caller: “No, it’s all right. I’ll call him myself.” *hangs up*

    These Hallowed Halls Of Fancy Book Learnin’

    | Evansville, IN, USA |

    (This took place in our college library.)

    Me: “Could I help you find something?”

    Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

    Patron: “Yeah – ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’. Do you have it?”

    Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

    Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

    (A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

    Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’?

    Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

    Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

    Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Dumb

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)

    Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

    Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

    Me: “What–why?!”

    Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

    Me: “…”

    Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”


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