Your Improv Needs Improvement

, | Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

Caller: “Who is this?”

Me: “This is *** from [university].”

(Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

Caller: “He not here now.”

Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

Til DNA Test Do Us Part

| Peoria, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Lax With The Anthrax

| River Forest, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

Student: “Well yeah, it might have anthrax!”

Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

| Delaware, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

Me: “Okay, what program?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

| Kansas, USA | Top

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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