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    Undeclared 4 Life

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

    Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

    Me: “Uh…do you mean are you walking?”

    Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

    Me: “What’s your major?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “Well…what college are you in?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

    Caller: “…” *hangs up*

    Co-worker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

    Taking It Old School

    | Northridge, CA, USA |

    (I was working in the department office one day when an old woman called me up.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Radio, TV and Film Department. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want to take a class in radio.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our classes are part of the Bachelor’s degree curriculum. You can’t just take one class.”

    Caller: “Well…how long is the Bachelor’s degree program?”

    Me: “4 years at minimum, but the average student take 5 years to complete it.”

    Caller: “5 YEARS?! I can’t do that! …so where else can I take a class in radio?”

    Me: “Why don’t you try **** College? They have a radio station, so they may have some radio classes. Here’s the number.”

    Caller: “What kind of school is **** College?”

    Me: “It’s a community college.”

    Caller: “A WHAT kind of college?”

    Me: “A community college. You know, a junior college.”

    Caller: “HONEY! I don’t need no JUNIOR college. I am a SENIOR citizen!”

    Masticating Morons

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

    Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

    Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

    Me: “Er…enough for what?”

    Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

    Future Business Leaders Of America, Indeed

    | Troy, NY, USA |

    (A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

    Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

    College student: “Yes, I need to get 4 dollars out of the bank.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

    College student: “Well…what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

    Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

    College student: “Yes.”

    Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

    College student: “You can do that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    College student: “Technology these days!”

    (I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)

    Testing The Testers

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Admissions, this is ****. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello. A man called me from your office yesterday. Can you tell me who that was?”

    Me: “Well, there are a number of men who work in our office. Do you remember his name?”

    Caller: “It was a man.”

    Me: “I understand that, ma’am. However, there are five men in our office who could have called you.”

    Caller: “Can you list them for me?”

    (I proceed to list the males who work in our office.)

    Caller: “No, those don’t sound right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those are the only men who work in this office.”

    Caller: “It was a man!”

    Me: “Yes, I understand. However, I can’t help you unless you know any more details. Can you tell me what the call was regarding?”

    Caller: “It was a man! That’s all I know! Please transfer me to the man who called me! You should be able to know who called me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t track calls that go out. That’s a privacy issue. However, if you could just give me some details…”

    Caller: “My son’s name is ****. Why can’t you figure out who called me?!”

    (I proceed to look up the counselor responsible for her son’s area of the country.)

    Me: “All right, I have the name of the man right here. Would you like me to transfer you?”

    Caller: “No, it’s all right. I’ll call him myself.” *hangs up*

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