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    Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

    | Delaware, USA |

    Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

    Me: “Okay, what program?”

    Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

    Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

    Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

    Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

    Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

    Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

    Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

    Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

    | Kansas, USA | Top

    (When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

    Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

    Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

    (The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

    Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

    Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

    Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

    (One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

    Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

    Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

    Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

    (This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Undeclared 4 Life

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

    Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

    Me: “Uh…do you mean are you walking?”

    Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

    Me: “What’s your major?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “Well…what college are you in?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

    Caller: “…” *hangs up*

    Co-worker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

    Taking It Old School

    | Northridge, CA, USA |

    (I was working in the department office one day when an old woman called me up.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Radio, TV and Film Department. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want to take a class in radio.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our classes are part of the Bachelor’s degree curriculum. You can’t just take one class.”

    Caller: “Well…how long is the Bachelor’s degree program?”

    Me: “4 years at minimum, but the average student take 5 years to complete it.”

    Caller: “5 YEARS?! I can’t do that! …so where else can I take a class in radio?”

    Me: “Why don’t you try **** College? They have a radio station, so they may have some radio classes. Here’s the number.”

    Caller: “What kind of school is **** College?”

    Me: “It’s a community college.”

    Caller: “A WHAT kind of college?”

    Me: “A community college. You know, a junior college.”

    Caller: “HONEY! I don’t need no JUNIOR college. I am a SENIOR citizen!”

    Masticating Morons

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

    Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

    Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

    Me: “Er…enough for what?”

    Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”


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