Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

    Your Improv Needs Improvement

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

    Caller: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is *** from [university].”

    (Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

    Caller: “He not here now.”

    Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

    Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

    Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

    Til DNA Test Do Us Part

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

    Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

    Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

    Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

    Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

    Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Lax With The Anthrax

    | River Forest, IL, USA |

    (Note: I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

    Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

    Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

    Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

    Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

    Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

    Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

    Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

    Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

    Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

    Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

    Student: “Well yeah, it might have anthrax!”

    Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

    | Delaware, USA |

    Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

    Me: “Okay, what program?”

    Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

    Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

    Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

    Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

    Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

    Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

    Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

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