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    Thou Shalt Pay On Time

    | Abilene, TX, USA |

    (I work in the Financial Aid department of a private Christian college.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”

    Me: “Alright, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”

    Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”

    Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”

    Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”

    SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

    Your Improv Needs Improvement

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

    Caller: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is *** from [university].”

    (Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

    Caller: “He not here now.”

    Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

    Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

    Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

    Til DNA Test Do Us Part

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

    Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

    Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

    Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

    Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

    Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Lax With The Anthrax

    | River Forest, IL, USA |

    (Note: I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

    Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

    Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

    Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

    Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

    Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

    Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

    Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

    Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

    Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

    Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

    Student: “Well yeah, it might have anthrax!”


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