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    Women’s Studies, Not Studying Women

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (I work in enrollment in my university.)

    Me: “What degree would you like to enrol in?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Well, what are you interested in?”

    Customer: “Hot girls.”

    Me: “You mean ‘Women’s Studies’?”

    Customer: “Does that have lots of girls in it?”

    Me: “Pretty much all girls.”

    Customer: “Awesome, I’ll do that.”

    (Note: ‘Women’s Studies’ studies feminism.)

    Helping The Needy

    | Salem, OR, USA |

    (To make the day more interesting, I am asking the prospective students about their Halloween.)

    Me: “So how was your Halloween? Did you dress up?”

    Student Caller: “I was Spock, of course.”

    Me: “Awesome. Live long and prosper.”

    Student Caller: “The needs of the many…”

    Me: “…are greater than the needs of the few.”

    Student Caller: “Or the one.”

    *long pause*

    Student Caller: “Marry me?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Student Caller: “What, is this moving too fast for you? Okay, how about a date? Coffee? I can be there in 4 hours!”

    Me: “Uhh… I don’t think this is appropriate. If you have any questions, you can call the office of admissions-”

    Student Caller: “Wait! I need to tell my mom I’ve met the future Mrs. Finkler!”

    Thou Shalt Pay On Time

    | Abilene, TX, USA |

    (I work in the Financial Aid department of a private Christian college.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”

    Me: “Alright, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”

    Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”

    Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”

    Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”

    SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

    Your Improv Needs Improvement

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

    Caller: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is *** from [university].”

    (Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

    Caller: “He not here now.”

    Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

    Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

    Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

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