Me: “Thank you for calling [university] admissions. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Hi. I’d like to register my daughter for a campus tour and info session.”
Me: “Great! Can I have her name?”
Caller: “Sure. Her name is [name].”
(Many times, students are already in our system. We check the high school to make sure it’s the correct person.)
Me: “Does she go to [name] high school?”
Caller: “Oh my God! Yes! Are you psychic?”
(I am giving a tour in a residence hall.)
Parent of student: “Are boys and girls allowed in the same room?”
Me: “No, the genders here are separated by floor or sides of the building.”
Parent of student: “No, I mean can they sleep in the same room? In the same bed?”
Me: “We are not a religious university. We don’t have any rules against it.”
Parent of student: “Will I be notified if my daughter is having intercourse?”
(I work for my university during the mornings of open days. I take tours and answer any questions visitors have. If you do everything available to you, it’s normally a full day. A mother who has been sitting down with her son for a while approaches me. It’s around 12:30.)
Me: “Hi, is there something that I can help you with?”
Mother: “Yeah, my son has this letter that says he has a meeting this afternoon. Will we be missing anything if we don’t go?”
Me: “Oh, well there is the general introductory talk at 1:00. It is just some information about student life and life in Swansea. But it’s not necessary to attend. I can give you a print out of the talk if you like.”
Mother: “Oh, that would be nice. But this thing this afternoon–is that important?”
Me: “You mean your departmental visit? Well, that’s what most people come to see. You meet lecturers and find out a lot more about the course in the afternoon. Is there some reason that you need leave now?”
Mother: “No, we’re just really bored.”
Me: “Hello this is [name] from [college] returning your call. What can I do for you?”
Student: “Hi, I was calling to find out–”
(A very loud noise erupts in the background. Yelling, laughing, and a strange buzzing sound ensues.)
Student: *sounding embarrassed* “Sorry about that. I work at a hospital and it’s really quiet today. Everyone’s playing Operation (the game).”
Me: *laughing* “Ma’am, you just made my day.”
Parent: "It’s ridiculous that I’m expected to give my information for my daughter to go to college. My parents didn’t pay for my college and I’m not paying for hers. I’m not giving it!"
Me: "Sir, these are the federal government’s regulations. According to the government, until your daughter is 23, married, or has a dependent of her own, she needs to provide your financial information."
Parent: "So, you’re saying if she gets married or knocked up, I don’t have to take care of her?"
Me: "Um…technically, yes."
Parent: *to daughter* "That’s it. You know what you have to do. You need to get pregnant now."
Daughter: *looking mortified and whining to her father* "Daaaad!"
Parent: "I’m serious. If you want to go to college then you’re throwing out your pills and getting yourself knocked up."