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  • Knocking The Door Of Opportunity

    | Iowa, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, School

    Parent: "It’s ridiculous that I’m expected to give my information for my daughter to go to college. My parents didn’t pay for my college and I’m not paying for hers. I’m not giving it!"

    Me: "Sir, these are the federal government’s regulations. According to the government, until your daughter is 23, married, or has a dependent of her own, she needs to provide your financial information."

    Parent: "So, you’re saying if she gets married or knocked up, I don’t have to take care of her?"

    Me: "Um…technically, yes."

    Parent: *to daughter* "That’s it. You know what you have to do. You need to get pregnant now."

    Daughter: *looking mortified and whining to her father* "Daaaad!"

    Parent: "I’m serious. If you want to go to college then you’re throwing out your pills and getting yourself knocked up."

    More Importantly, Who’s Getting The Czech

    | Rome, GA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I overhear this as I am getting dinner.)

    Girl 1: “Hey, if you wanna grab us a table, I’m going to go see what they’re serving today.”

    Girl 2: “Okay.”

    Girl 1: *comes back* “Hey, what is a Pollock?”

    Girl 2: “I’m pretty sure it’s a person of Polish decent. Why?”

    Girl 1: “Oh, I guess they’re frying them over there by the cabbage.”

    (The sign says ‘Fried Potluck’.)

    Freedom Of Screech

    | North Carolina, USA | Religion, School, Top

    (I’m an Admissions Officer and am working at a college fair. We are not religiously affiliated. I run into an alum.)

    Me: “Hi, is your daughter interested in [college]?”

    Alum: “I’m an alum. Class of ’83.”

    Me: “Fantastic!  I’m Class of ’04. Can I answer any questions for you?”

    Alum: “I won’t be letting my daughter look here. I have some issues with how [college] is being run. God is not happy with you, and neither am I.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you’d like, I’d be happy to take your comment back to the Vice President of-”

    Alum: “Are you aware that you let in students with liberal views and speakers with socialist leanings?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have a great deal of speakers on campus with a variety of view points.”

    Alum: “The school has gone downhill since we let in those people! So I’ve stopped giving money. You can take that back to them. You’ll no longer see my $25 a year.”

    Me: “Ma’am, as an alum myself, I’m proud to have graduated from a school that encourages both freedom of thought and speech in our students and speakers.”

    Alum: “You don’t need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you.”

    Not Getting The Picture

    | Melbourne, Australia | Technology

    (I work in the IT department, on part of the university’s website.)

    Customer: “Can you help me? I tried to print out this webpage, and none of the images showed up!”

    Me: “Sounds like it might be a problem with your printer.”

    Customer: “Is it because the images are stuck inside the internet and the printer can’t get them out?”

    Studying Post-Grammatic Stress

    | Bozeman, MT, USA |

    (I work for the university Psychology department where several labs have students participate in experiments. A girl is wandering around the hall looking lost.)

    Me: “Excuse me, but you look a little lost. Can I help you find something?”

    Volunteer: “Yeah, I signed up to participate in an experiment, but I don’t remember which one or what the requirements were.”

    Me: “Alright, that’s fine. We can look you up on one of our computers. Can I have your name?”

    Volunteer: “[Name].”

    (I go to the office computer and her name, the experiment and the requirements.)

    Me: “Alright, well it looks like you’re going to be in the lab down the hall and the only requirement is that you should be a native English speaker.”

    Volunteer: “Oh, but I don’t know that language.”

    Me: “What language?”

    Volunteer: “Native English, I’m not familiar with that language, only regular English. I’ll just go tell them I can’t do it. Thanks!”

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