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    No, Not That Kind Of Flash Pass

    | Edinburgh, UK | School, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working during a night shift. A girl enters the lobby in her pajamas.)

    Student: “Um, hi. I’ve locked myself out of my room.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. As you know, the access fee is £5.”

    Student: “Yes, I know, but I don’t have any money with me. Everything is in my room.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t let you back in until we get £5 from you, but I can take it from your deposit if you like.”

    Student: “No, no! You can’t do that. My mum will kill me!”

    Me: “It’s either that, or you give me £5 cash right now. There is no alternative.”

    (The girl awkwardly pauses.)

    Student: “Are you sure?”

    (The girl gives him a cheeky look before taking off her top completely, exposing her naked front. I stare in shock, before quickly regaining my composure.)

    Me: “Well, those are very nice. Now, that’ll be £5 please.”

    Stupidity As Clear As Sierra Mist

    | Columbia, MO, USA |

    (I’m working at the student dining hall on a busy Thanksgiving dinner as a supervisor. A student walks up with a glass of ice in hand.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but your Sierra Mist is out.”

    Me: “Oh, no problem, ma’am. Let me go downstairs and I’ll take a look.”

    (I walk downstairs and check the soda dispenser. The Sierra Mist is half-empty, but still functional. I tell her it should be fine. She comes back ten minutes later.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I asked you to fix the Sierra Mist and it is still not fixed.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I just checked it and it’s full.”

    Customer: “You’re lying. It isn’t working at all.”

    (I walk over to the dispenser and place a cup underneath the Sierra Mist and out pours clear, bubbly Sierra Mist.)

    Me: “See, ma’am? It’s just fine.”

    Customer: “No! It’s clear! See? It’s clear! The bottle is green. Sierra Mist is green!”

    Wake Up And Smell The Fumes

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Top

    (I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

    Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

    Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

    Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

    Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

    Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

    Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

    Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

    Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

    (His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

    Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

    Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

    Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

    Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

    Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*

    The Deaf-initive Guide To Parenting

    | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA |

    (I work at the disability services office at a major university. We have an open house event.)

    Parent: “What sorts of services you offer for students with hearing impairments?”

    Me: “Oh, lots. We have real-time captioners–”

    Parent: “Oh, like on TV.”

    Me: “Yeah, sort of. The captioner attends the class and types the captions in real time.”

    Parent: “Oh, cool. Well, my son’s hearing impairment is pretty mild, so I doubt he’ll need any of that. But I told him it’ll be important to hook up with your office because of extra funding and stuff. These days it’s all about the money, baby.”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s true. There’s a certain amount of money available for students with disabilities. It can’t hurt to have him
    come see us. Feel free to have him email or call, and we’ll set him up with an appointment.”

    Parent: “Oh, he won’t be needing that for a while. He’s only five. I’m just trying to get a jump on things.”

    Students Don’t Hit The Books Like They Used To

    , | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (It is the first week of classes, so the book store is absolutely packed.)

    Student: “Can you help me?”

    Me: “Of course. What do you need?”

    (The student hands me her book list.)

    Student: “Find all of these for me.”

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