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    Wake Up And Smell The Fumes

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Top

    (I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

    Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

    Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

    Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

    Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

    Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

    Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

    Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

    Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

    (His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

    Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

    Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

    Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

    Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

    Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*

    The Deaf-initive Guide To Parenting

    | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA |

    (I work at the disability services office at a major university. We have an open house event.)

    Parent: “What sorts of services you offer for students with hearing impairments?”

    Me: “Oh, lots. We have real-time captioners–”

    Parent: “Oh, like on TV.”

    Me: “Yeah, sort of. The captioner attends the class and types the captions in real time.”

    Parent: “Oh, cool. Well, my son’s hearing impairment is pretty mild, so I doubt he’ll need any of that. But I told him it’ll be important to hook up with your office because of extra funding and stuff. These days it’s all about the money, baby.”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s true. There’s a certain amount of money available for students with disabilities. It can’t hurt to have him
    come see us. Feel free to have him email or call, and we’ll set him up with an appointment.”

    Parent: “Oh, he won’t be needing that for a while. He’s only five. I’m just trying to get a jump on things.”

    Students Don’t Hit The Books Like They Used To

    , | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (It is the first week of classes, so the book store is absolutely packed.)

    Student: “Can you help me?”

    Me: “Of course. What do you need?”

    (The student hands me her book list.)

    Student: “Find all of these for me.”

    Have Their Second Sights Set On This School

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [university] admissions. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. I’d like to register my daughter for a campus tour and info session.”

    Me: “Great! Can I have her name?”

    Caller: “Sure. Her name is [name].”

    (Many times, students are already in our system. We check the high school to make sure it’s the correct person.)

    Me: “Does she go to [name] high school?”

    Caller: “Oh my God! Yes! Are you psychic?”

    Not The Kind Of Course You Had In Mind

    | Boston, MA, USA | Top

    (I am giving a tour in a residence hall.)

    Parent of student: “Are boys and girls allowed in the same room?”

    Me: “No, the genders here are separated by floor or sides of the building.”

    Parent of student: “No, I mean can they sleep in the same room? In the same bed?”

    Me: “We are not a religious university. We don’t have any rules against it.”

    Parent of student: “Will I be notified if my daughter is having intercourse?”


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