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    The Klass Of 2015

    | England, UK | School

    (I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

    Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

    Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

    Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

    Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

    Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”

    No Aspirations As Long As You’re Under This Roof, Part 2

    , | California, USA | Family & Kids, School

    (I work at a call center for a university. We call prospective students and tell them about our school. This call was meant for a young lady but was taken by her father.)

    Me: “I’m calling from [university] to talk to [girl] about her interest in attending our university.”

    Father: “University? Like school, papers, homework, and stuff?!”

    Me: “Yes, that stuff usually occurs in a university.”

    Father: “My daughter ain’t goin’ there!”

    Me: “All right, have a nice day, sir.”

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    No Aspirations As Long As You’re Under This Roof

    Totally Trashed

    | Lansing, MI, USA | Uncategorized

    (This takes place in a food court during my college’s homecoming game. While I am sweeping the floor, a drunk girl is about to put her trash in a machine I use to clean the floor.)

    Me: “Woah, wait! What are you doing?”

    Drunk girl: “Isn’t this a trash can?”

    Me: “No, this is a floor cleaner. The trash cans are over there.” *point behind her*

    Drunk girl: “It looks just like a trash can!”

    Me: *stares at wide, 4-wheeled, car-shaped floor cleaner* “Uh–”

    Drunk girl: “What does this thing do?”

    Me: “It cleans floors.”

    Drunk girl: “Well, it looks just like a trash can!”

    Me: “I’m sure it does.” *start to walk away*

    Drunk girl: “IT DOES!”

    It Works Better When Fed Cheese

    , | California, USA | Technology

    (Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

    Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

    Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

    (The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

    Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

    (I gesture to the mouse.)

    Student: “Oh, okay.”

    (He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

    Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

    (I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

    Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

    Through Ickiness And In Health

    | East Lansing, MI, USA | Family & Kids

    (I answer a lot of calls from parents concerned about the living arrangements in our dorm rooms.)

    Parent: “So, what’s the deal with co-ed floors?”

    Me: “Well, most of our floors are co-ed by wing, but a few are co-ed by suite, where one suite is all boys, and next door is all girls. Your student will never have to share a room or bathroom with the opposite gender.”

    Parent: “Why would anyone want to do that?”

    Me: “Well, some people find that living with the opposite gender is fun.”

    Parent: “Yeah, but I mean, boys are icky!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Parent: “Don’t get me wrong. I’ve lived with my husband for 20 years, but…eww!”

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