(I was working in the department office one day when an old woman called me up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Radio, TV and Film Department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I want to take a class in radio.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our classes are part of the Bachelor’s degree curriculum. You can’t just take one class.”

Caller: “Well…how long is the Bachelor’s degree program?”

Me: “4 years at minimum, but the average student take 5 years to complete it.”

Caller: “5 YEARS?! I can’t do that! …so where else can I take a class in radio?”

Me: “Why don’t you try **** College? They have a radio station, so they may have some radio classes. Here’s the number.”

Caller: “What kind of school is **** College?”

Me: “It’s a community college.”

Caller: “A WHAT kind of college?”

Me: “A community college. You know, a junior college.”

Caller: “HONEY! I don’t need no JUNIOR college. I am a SENIOR citizen!”

(A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

Me: “Er…enough for what?”

Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

(A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

College student: “Yes, I need to get 4 dollars out of the bank.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

College student: “Well…what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

College student: “Yes.”

Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

College student: “You can do that?”

Me: “Yes.”

College student: “Technology these days!”

(I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)

Me: *on the phone* “**** Admissions, this is ****. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello. A man called me from your office yesterday. Can you tell me who that was?”

Me: “Well, there are a number of men who work in our office. Do you remember his name?”

Caller: “It was a man.”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am. However, there are five men in our office who could have called you.”

Caller: “Can you list them for me?”

(I proceed to list the males who work in our office.)

Caller: “No, those don’t sound right.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those are the only men who work in this office.”

Caller: “It was a man!”

Me: “Yes, I understand. However, I can’t help you unless you know any more details. Can you tell me what the call was regarding?”

Caller: “It was a man! That’s all I know! Please transfer me to the man who called me! You should be able to know who called me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t track calls that go out. That’s a privacy issue. However, if you could just give me some details…”

Caller: “My son’s name is ****. Why can’t you figure out who called me?!”

(I proceed to look up the counselor responsible for her son’s area of the country.)

Me: “All right, I have the name of the man right here. Would you like me to transfer you?”

Caller: “No, it’s all right. I’ll call him myself.” *hangs up*

(This took place in our college library.)

Me: “Could I help you find something?”

Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

Patron: “Yeah - ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’. Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

(A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’?

Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

(I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What–why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Related: University Of Homer Simpson

(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

Student: *gives me the info*

Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

Me: “You called us, remember?”

Student: *click*

Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”

Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

(I start looking up his record on the database.)

Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

Me: “…”

Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

Caller: “Ooh… ”

Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

Caller: “Ooh.”

Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”