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    A Sizeable Gap In Knowledge

    | UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hi. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I’d like a cappuccino, please, to take away.”

    Me: “A cappuccino to take away. No problem.”

    Customer: “Is that a large or a small?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Do I want a large or a small cappuccino?”

    Me: “I don’t know…”

    Customer: “Look. I just want to know if I want a large or a small!”

    This Diet Is Really Going Against The Grain

    | MN, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Excuse me. You used to stock a drink in the cooler. It was tea. It had no carbs.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We probably don’t have any more. Sometimes they cycle out drinks that don’t sell very well.”

    Customer: “It was tea. It had no carbs.”

    Me: “I think I know the one you’re thinking of. If it’s not in there, then we’re out. We have some iced tea brewed up if you would like to try that.”

    Customer: “How do I know that it doesn’t have carbs?”

    Me: “I brewed it myself. I can promise you that there are no carbs.”

    Customer: “I want the other tea! You know that soda in there has 33 carbs! You should really stock more options for customers who don’t want to have so many carbs.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to give you some of our iced tea, or some water.”

    Customer: “Ugh! I don’t want any of that. I want the old tea.”

    Me: “Sorry! Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yes! I’ll have a large cookie.”

    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 5

    | CA, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (I own a coffee shop in a small town. My best friend is the manager and head barista. I am pretty young and inherited the place from family. I have come in for some coffee and to do some paperwork for a new hire. I am in line behind a very disgruntled customer.)

    Customer: “You don’t have any authority to kick me out, you s***! I can do as I like. This is America. Only the owner can kick me out and he is never here. I am good friends with [Former Owner] and his whole family. So get me my drink on the house or I am going to have you fired. Do it now!”

    Me: “Excuse me? You said you know [Former Owner]?”

    Customer: “Well, yes. He is going to be so angry!”

    Me: “Then you would have attended his funeral last March. You would also know that he never stood for abusive people in his shop.”

    Customer: “How do you know this, you little snot? What are you, in high school?”

    Me: “Actually, I am 25. My uncle passed away last year after battling cancer. I have been working at this shop since I was 15. He left it to me in the will. I own this shop. You have no right to speak to the barista, or anyone, that way. Please get out of my shop. The next time you show up you will be arrested.”

    Customer: “You are missing out, young lady. I have never been so offended in my life! How dare you talk to me like that!?”

    (My friend, the barista, feels the need to interject.)

    Barista: “How dare you act like a child?! You make sexist, crude remarks every time you come in, you a**. I am lucky to work here. I have a very understanding boss. You are nothing but a bully. Get out of here and don’t come back.”

    (The customer looks towards me.)

    Me: “You heard my barista. Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “Fine! But you are missing out!”

    (The customer storms out of coffee store.)

    Barista: “Thank you.”

    Me: “I am going to give you a raise for that.”

    Barista: “I thought I was going to be fired.”

    Me: “Nope. That was hilarious.”

    (She has worked for me for about five years now and has been made a partner!)

    Related:
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 4
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 3
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 2
    Getting Owned By The Owner

    A Sinking Feeling About A Floater

    | Cambridge, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I work in a corporate coffee shop chain. Due to some customers using way too much toilet paper, our toilets often get blocked. A customer blocks one of our toilets so badly that we close off access to it and put a big no entry sign on the door. About two hours later I’m on till when a customer come up. He can’t speak English very well.)

    Customer: “Toilet.” *points to toilet* “It broke.”

    Me: “Yes. That’s why we have the no entry sign and have blocked it off.”

    Customer: “But it broke!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We kn—”

    (I get a sinking feeling.)

    Me: “You didn’t try and use it, did you?”

    Customer: “Yes! I use and it broke!”

    (At this point the customer comes to the realisation and slinks back to his seat. I go over and find he had torn down the barricade and forced the door open. He had not only flooded the toilet more, but also crapped right on top of the existing blockage. I tell my supervisor. I look over at the customer, who very quickly gets up and leaves, leaving us with his mess.)

    You Say Milk, I Say Epinephrine

    | Portland, ME, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in a fairly well known coffee shop chain. A woman comes up to the bar to pick up her drink.)

    Me: “[Name], your venti iced no whip mocha.”

    Customer: “Excuse me! Does that have milk in it?”

    Me: “The iced mocha?”

    Customer: “Yes. That’s what I ordered: iced mocha coffee, no whip.”

    Me: “Yes. It’s made with milk by default.”

    Customer: “WELL, I DIDN’T WANT IT MADE WITH MILK! I AM HIGHLY ALLERGIC!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Let me remake that for you. So, you’d like iced coffee with mocha syrup and no whip?”

    Customer: “Whatever. Fine. Yes. Mocha coffee iced with no whip.”

    (I remake her drink rather quickly.)

    Me: “Here you are. Sorry about that. Let me take that other one.”

    Customer: “If it’s okay– I know you’re gonna dump it; I was hoping I could have it.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay. That’s fine.”

    Customer: *puts a straw in both* “Yum! These are both great! Thanks!”

    Related:
    You Say Tomato, I Say Epinephrine
    You Say Potato, I Say Epinephrine

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