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    Pointless Pickiness

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “What can I get you?”

    Customer: “I want coffee, but I don’t want any caffeine in it.”

    Me: “So you want decaffeinated coffee?”

    Customer: “No, I want regular coffee. I also want you to take the caffeine out of it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’ll have to buy decaf if you don’t want any caffeine.”

    Customer: “Just gimme that coffee, and make sure to take the caffeine out.”

    (She turns her back for a moment to rummage through her purse. I pour her a cup of decaf anyway.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Did you take the caffeine out?”

    Me: “Yep!”

    Strange Ambitions

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Ehhh…I’ll have a coffee.”

    Me: “Excellent choice, sir. What kind of coffee? Our menu’s up there on the board if you’d like, or perhaps our house coffee?”

    Customer: “What other kind of COFFEE is there? This IS a coffee shop, right?”

    Me: “Well sir, we are a specialty coffee shop, and have many different varieties. If you’d like–”

    Customer: “NO! This is so STUPID! Why would anyone bother having DIFFERENT kinds of coffee!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Ha ha! Just kidding. I always wanted to do that.”

    (He skips out of the store. Yes, skipped. Keep in mind this is a middle-aged man.)

    The Gall To Call A Small A Tall

    | Southlake, TX, USA |

    (I work in a coffee place that has “special” names for their sizes. Since no one can ever get them right, I just started saying small, medium and large to make it easier.)

    Customer: “I’ll have a vanilla latte please.”

    Me: “Sure. Would you like the large?”

    Customer: “Yeah. That’s the small, right?”

    That’s A Latte Coupons

    | British Columbia, Canada |

    (A woman had been coming in every day and paying for venti drinks with all the trimmings using service recovery coupons. This went on for about a year and a half, and finally we were told to stop taking them from her. They were old, we had never given any to her, and she could not have acquired so many of them legitimately.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t take any of these coupons, they’re outdated.”

    Coupon Lady: “…but I use these all the time. They always take them!”

    Me: “They’re outdated. There are new ones now, and we’re not allowed to take the old ones anymore.”

    Coupon Lady: *pays for her drinks, leaves*

    (The next day Coupon Lady returns with her husband and tries the same thing.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I told you yesterday, we will not accept any more coupons from you.”

    Husband: “I want to speak to your manager.”

    (I go and get a manager; the husband commences shouting at manager.)

    Manager: “You’ve been using these coupons almost daily since this location opened. We are not going to accept them anymore.”

    Husband: “We know the man in charge! WE GOT THESE FROM THE HEAD GUY!”

    Manager: “Sir, if you’d actually gotten these coupons from the man in charge, you would know that the man in charge here is a WOMAN.”

    There’s No Accounting For Taste

    | Wellington, New Zealand |

    (I work at a city cafe and we open early and get a lot of stupid obviously not morning people coming in. This one woman ordered 2 coffees.)

    Me: “Here you go, two large flat whites.”

    Customer: *takes a sip* “You know, these aren’t really hot. Your coffee isn’t cheap you know. It’s not good enough.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, here, let me make you another one.”

    (I make her the coffees over, this time as hot as I can without burning the milk.)

    Customer: “Look, seriously, they’re still too cold. Make them again!”

    (I make the coffees again, this time burning the milk so badly it stinks, burning the coffee shot, and generally doing everything I can to make it a crap coffee. It is, however, really hot.)

    Me: “Here you go, I hope thats a bit better. If you still aren’t satisfied, I can give you a refund.”

    Customer: *takes big sip* “FINALLY, THANK you. Would it have been that hard to make it like this before?”

    (The only explanation I can think of is that drinking too much hot coffee has burned off her tastebuds.)

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