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    The Baby Steps Diet

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [coffee shop]. How can I help you?”

    Regular customer: “Hey buddy!”

    Me: “How are ya today? The usual?”

    Regular customer: “Nope, I cut back on my sugar. I no longer take eight.”

    Me: “Oh. What can I get you, then?”

    Regular customer: “I’ll get a large with seven and three quarters sugar.”

    What Planet Is She From, Because I Want To Live There

    | Davis, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

    Me: “That’ll be $1.95.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t want to pay for it.”

    Me: *shocked* “Ma’am, this is a store. We sell things for money in order to make a profit.”

    Customer: *stares blankly*

    Me: “The coffee isn’t free.”

    Customer: “Can I have the coffee anyway, since you already poured it?”

    Me: “No. ”

    Customer: *looks at me for a moment and then walks away*

    Because Mocha Sounds Sooo Much Like Frappuccino

    | Indiana, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

    Me: “Alright, anything else with that?”

    Customer: “No, that’s all.”

    (I make her drinks and hand them out.)

    Customer: “These are cold…”

    Me: “You ordered two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

    Customer: “Oh! You know what? I actually meant I wanted two large mochas. The hot drinks!”

    (Duh, how could I not have gotten that from her original order?)

    Never Smart: Biting The Hand That Makes Your Coffee

    | Sheffield, UK |

    Customer: “I want a coffee.”

    Me: “What sort of coffee can I get for you, sir?”

    Customer: “Just black coffee.”

    Me: “Would you like drip coffee or an Americano, sir?”

    Customer: “Don’t make it so BLOODY COMPLICATED, just get me a coffee! And don’t try to sell me them fancy things like sprinkles, neither!”

    (My coworker and I stifle our laughter as I silently ring up the largest size of the most expensive ‘black’ coffee.)

    Customer: “That’s better. No more of your lip!”

    Coworker: *laughs out loud*

    And Yet He Lives With A Nut

    | Barrie, ON, Canada |

    (A customer with her toddler comes into the store while I’m working on another customer’s order.)

    Customer: “I want to know if your peanut butter cookies have nuts in them.”

    Me: “Yes, yes they do.”

    Customer: “Oh, well my son is allergic to nuts. Do you have any that don’t have nuts?”

    Me: “You could try the oatmeal raisin.”

    Customer: “No, he doesn’t like raisins.” *picks up a different cookie*

    Me: “Um, those are white chocolate macadamia nut, which also have nuts in them.”

    Customer: “Well do you have anything that is nut-free here?!”

    Me: “We have cakes with fruit in them, muffins, bagels, croissants and scones. Would he like those?”

    Customer: “You people don’t care about my child!” *storms out of the store, child in tow*

    Me, to coworker: “How is he still alive?”

    Coworker: *shrugs*

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