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    Drive-Thru Virgin

    | Savannah, GA, USA |

    (A customer pulls up to the drive thru and the headpiece beeps in my ear to alert me.)

    Me: ¬†”Welcome to ***** Coffee. ¬†What can I get for you?”

    Customer: *no response*

    Me: ¬†”Hello? What can I get for you?”

    Customer: *no response*

    (The customer drives up to the drive thru window.)

    Customer: “There must be something wrong with your drive-thru.¬†I kept talking but you didn’t hear me.”

    Me: “I was trying to talk to you. I know it works because I have been using it all day.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s broken now.”

    Me: “Did you roll down your window?”

    Customer: “Oh, I have to do that?”

    If No Scone, Then Insta-Crone

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I would like a tall coffee and a lemon cranberry scone, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I just sold the last scone to another customer. Would you like a pumpkin scone or a white chocolate blueberry scone instead?”

    Customer: “What? No! I come here every morning and get a tall coffee and scone! I DEMAND you get me a scone! Look in the backroom, I need my scone!”

    (I go to the back room to check for a scone, although I knew we didn’t have any.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, we just don’t have any more lemon scones. Would you like anything else from the pastry fridge?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you sold my scone to someone else! You ruined my morning!”

    Me: “There is another location near here… maybe they will have a scone for you. I can even call them if you want so they can set it aside for yo–”

    Customer: “Do you think I have time for that? I run on a schedule!”

    (The customer who had bought the last scone notices the situation and comes over.)

    Nice customer: “Listen, if you want the scone so bad, just take mine. Seriously I didn’t even touch it… just take it.”

    Customer: “NO, THANK YOU!” *storms off*

    The Lion, The Witch And The Supply Cabinet

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

    Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”

    Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

    Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?”

    Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.”

    Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

    Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

    Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

    Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    (I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

    (I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

    Me: “Okay. Well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

    Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

    Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

    Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

    (I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

    Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

    (Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)

    Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”

    One Coffee Conflagration, Coming Right Up

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    Customer: “I’d like a venti latte made with organic milk. It has to be organic milk.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have organic milk in this store.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not? It says that you do on the menu!”

    Coworker: “Well, our customers here rarely order drinks made with organic milk, so we don’t stock it.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you have it?! I cannot drink my latte if it isn’t made with organic milk!”

    Coworker: “If it’s that important to you, we can make your drink with soy, which is organic.”

    Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Soy milk is disgusting! Regular milk is disgusting! I should be able to get what I WANT when I come here! It is imperative that I have my g**d*** latte made with organic milk!”

    (They go back and forth like this for several more minutes as the line behind her grows longer and more impatient, while my friend is desperately trying to appease her with our milk options. Suddenly, the customer’s friend seems to finally have run out of patience…)

    Customer: “I NEED it to be ORGANIC!”

    Customer’s friend: *suddenly loud* “Why? So you can stand outside and drink your d*** organic latte while smoking your organic cigarettes? They don’t have it! Drop it already and get something else!”

    Coffee Shop Customer Found Poked To Death

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    Customer: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”

    Me: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”

    Customer: “Just let me feel it.”

    (I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”

    Me: “Alright…” ¬†

    (I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)

    Customer: “Not THAT one!¬†It’s got holes all in it!”

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