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    Hoochie Grannies, Gotta Love ‘Em

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A little old lady is getting coffee. She is wearing thick blue eyeshadow, pink circles of blush, and bright red lipstick.)

    Me: “Here’s your coffee. That’ll be $2.75.”

    Little old lady: *gives me a $20* “Keep the change, dear.”

    Me: “That’s very generous, thank you!”

    Little old lady: “After work, go buy yourself some makeup. Just because you work at a coffee shop doesn’t mean you have to look like a slob!”

    Sorry Jesus, Your Birthday’s Been Moved Up

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello sir, what can I get you?”

    Customer: “Um… can I please have a mocha latte?”

    Me: “Sure. That would be $3.50, please.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Me: “Here you go, sir.”

    Customer: “What is this? Why isn’t the cup red?”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The cup. It’s usually red!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that is only around Christmas time.”

    Customer: “What?! THEN MAKE IT CHRISTMAS TIME!”

    …And The Baristas Shall Inherit The Earth

    | El Paso, TX, USA |

    Me: Good morning, what can I get for you?

    Customer: “Did you go to church today?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Why not?! It’s Sunday and you should be giving thanks to the Lord! I don’t like this… let me speak to your manager NOW.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a Christian establishment where we are required to go to church.”

    Customer: “Get your manager!”

    Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Why don’t your employees go to church on Sunday?! This is an outrage.”

    Manager: “Well, if we did there would be no one here to make your delicious coffee when you get out of church.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess that’s okay. I’ll let Jesus know that you guys are helping me so that you don’t go to Hell.”

    If L’apostrophe, Then French

    | Queensland, Australia |

    (A very angry customer brings a small bag of instant coffee to the counter.)

    Customer: “HOW DARE YOU STOCK THIS?!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry… can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “This is Australia! How dare you support some French s*** in our country?!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Customer: “THIS!” *holds the bag out* “See! Right here: ‘Proudly Supporting Jun’ar Ne’ball In Australia.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it actually says, “Proudly supporting Junior Netball in Australia.”

    Around The World In 80 Epithets

    | Northern VA, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Well hello dearie, what kind of mild coffee do you have today?”

    Me: “Our light roast today is our Guatemala.”

    Customer: “Oh no. I don’t want coffee made by [racial epithet].”

    Me: “Um… well, our dark roast is our Ethiopian.

    Customer: “I don’t want [another racial epithet] coffee either! Can’t you get me some American coffee?

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, coffee beans don’t grow anywhere in America except Hawaii. And we don’t carry any Kona.”

    Customer: “Damn [yet another racial epithet]! Don’t want any of their coffee either. I just want some good old American coffee. That’s what I got last time.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Like I said, we don’t carry any coffee grown in America. Coffee doesn’t grow in the continental United States.”

    Customer: “God d*** commies!” *storms off*

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