Wait Until They See The Espresso

| New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I would like just a plain coffee.”

Me: “Okay, what size would you like?”

Customer: “No, no, no, I just want good old-fashioned coffee.”

Me: “Okay, what size would you like?”

Customer: “Oh, just the regular size.”

Me: “Tall, Grande, or Venti?”

Customer: “No, no, no just plain old coffee.”

Me: “Ma’am would you like a small, medium, or large?”

Customer: “Well what’s the difference?”

Me: “The size. They are all different sizes.”

Customer: “Give me a small.”

(I hand her the small coffee.)

Customer: “God d*** modern coffee houses and their God d*** midget-drinks!”

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Consumer

| Long Island, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I was closing one night, and it was slow. A nervous-looking man came in and went to go order his drink.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to ****! What can I get for you this evening?”

Customer: “Um…yes. Can I get a coffee?”

Me: “OK, anything else tonight?”

Customer: “Yes…” *takes out piece of paper* “An iced venti unsweetened black tea.”

Me: “OK, your total is $4.30.”

Customer: *frowns* “How much is the iced tea?”

Me: “It’s $2.28…do you want me to take it off?”

Customer: “No…you see, I’m on a blind date. My date told me that her regular drink at **** was this iced tea…and also that the price of the iced tea is her weight.”

Brogue On A Dime

| Ireland | Top

(Although I am an American, I have lived in Ireland for the past 10 years.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [coffee shop]. what can I get you today?”

Customer: “Are you even from here?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Are you even from Ireland?”

Me: “Well, my family is Irish, but I was born in America.”

Customer: “And they let you work in an authentic Irish coffee shop?!”

Me: “Well, yes. I’ve lived here for years, so I guess they thought it was okay to hire me.”

Customer: “But this is so inauthentic! You don’t even have the right accent!”

Me: *with Irish accent* “Why, of course I do, luv! What are you sayin’, I don’t have the right accent?”

Customer: *flustered* “But…but…you…”

The Caffeine Makes Us Clingy

| Beaverton, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’d like an iced grande breve.”

Me: “A latte?”

Customer: “I don’t have to say latte!”

Me: “I know what you mean, ma’am, but you should be careful. If you order that somewhere else, you might just get a cup of iced half and half.”

Customer: “I don’t have to order like that at [ice cream store]!

Me: “Ah–”

Customer: “They’re less needy at [ice cream store]! It takes too much effort to get what I want here! GROW UP!”

A Lesson In Latte Linguistics

| Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like a GRAHN-DAY coffee. ”

Me: “Anything else sir?”

Customer: “This isn’t a grande!”

Me: “You’re ordering using our competitor’s terms, sir. Their grande is our medium.”

Customer: “Grande! Grande! BIG! Don’t you speak Spanish?!”

Me:Si senor, hablo espanol. Quiere algo mas?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Didn’t you just ask if I spoke Spanish?”

Customer: “Whatever!” *pays for coffee and leaves*

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