The Caffeine Makes Us Clingy

| Beaverton, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’d like an iced grande breve.”

Me: “A latte?”

Customer: “I don’t have to say latte!”

Me: “I know what you mean, ma’am, but you should be careful. If you order that somewhere else, you might just get a cup of iced half and half.”

Customer: “I don’t have to order like that at [ice cream store]!

Me: “Ah–”

Customer: “They’re less needy at [ice cream store]! It takes too much effort to get what I want here! GROW UP!”

A Lesson In Latte Linguistics

| Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like a GRAHN-DAY coffee. ”

Me: “Anything else sir?”

Customer: “This isn’t a grande!”

Me: “You’re ordering using our competitor’s terms, sir. Their grande is our medium.”

Customer: “Grande! Grande! BIG! Don’t you speak Spanish?!”

Me:Si senor, hablo espanol. Quiere algo mas?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Didn’t you just ask if I spoke Spanish?”

Customer: “Whatever!” *pays for coffee and leaves*

Would You Like A Foot To Go With Your Mouth

| Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.)

Barista: “Here’s your change… have a nice day.”

Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”

Barista: “Sorry.”

Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant, it makes me sick!”

Barista: *eyes begin to well up*

Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”

Barista: “…because my father died last night.”

(At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer is literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)

Fattening Fallacies

| Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Could I get that donut right there?” *points*

Me: “Sure thing.”

(I put it on a plate and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Can you heat it up for me, please?”

Me: “No problem, I’ll just be a minute.”

Customer: “Put it in for exactly 7 seconds. If you microwave food for 7 seconds, it becomes negative calories. Did you know that?”

Me: “Um…I don’t think that’s how food works.”

Customer: “Well, how would you know, you’re just a part-time employee at a coffee shop.”

Me: “I work part-time to pay for University…where I study health and nutrition…”

Customer: “What are they teaching kids these days?!” *walks away angrily without the donut*

Me: “Have a nice day?”

Enigmatic Espresso

| Oxford, AL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get started for you today?”

Customer: *in drive-thru* “I don’t know.”

Me: “Er…would you like any suggestions?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what it is I always get. My daughter usually gets it for me.”

Me: “OK, no big deal. Was it hot or cold?”

Customer: “Both.”

Me: “…was it ‘coffee’ or ‘not coffee’?

Customer: “Hmm…I believe it was both.”

Me: “I’m gonna go grab my manager…just a moment!”

Manager: “Hi there, could you please describe for me what you usually get?”

Customer: “I don’t know! My daughter gets it for me every day!”

Manager: “Let’s break it down further…was it a solid or a liquid?”

Customer: “Both…”

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