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    Let He Who Is Strongest Make My Latte

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (A perky old lady walks up and orders a drink. A staff member makes the drink, and I hand it to her.)

    Customer: *disdainfully* “What is THIS?”

    Me: “Umm… a drink?”

    Customer: “‘A drink’? Don’t get smart with me! *pointing towards a staff member* “That greasy teen filled my order! I demand somebody else fill it! One who’s NOT greasy!”

    (I was dumb-founded, but decided to line up all the employees in front of her for review – it was a slow day.)

    Me: “Which of these do you find acceptable?”

    Customer: *looks for a few minutes* “NONE! Maybe if you didn’t have so much fast food, you wouldn’t be so greasy!” *continues to “browse” through the line-up*

    Coworker: *speaking up* “Hey lady, hurry up – you ain’t picking no gladiators!”

    Make That A Triple Non-Fat Sexy Latte

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A woman walks into the coffee shop and orders a latte with “sexy” foam. I make what I thought was a latte with really “sexy” foam.)

    Customer: “F***! This isn’t right.¬†I want it with really sexy foam.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (I make her another, with lots of really thick foam.)

    Customer: “No, no! Sexy foam, really sexy foam!”

    Me: “Okay, so less?”

    Customer: “No, you know… sexy! Sexy foam!”

    (I make her a third drink. This time less foam and more milk.)

    Customer: “You don’t get it! I want sexy foam. Really sexy foam!”

    Me: *giving up* “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!”

    Hoochie Grannies, Gotta Love ‘Em

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A little old lady is getting coffee. She is wearing thick blue eyeshadow, pink circles of blush, and bright red lipstick.)

    Me: “Here’s your coffee. That’ll be $2.75.”

    Little old lady: *gives me a $20* “Keep the change, dear.”

    Me: “That’s very generous, thank you!”

    Little old lady: “After work, go buy yourself some makeup. Just because you work at a coffee shop doesn’t mean you have to look like a slob!”

    Sorry Jesus, Your Birthday’s Been Moved Up

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello sir, what can I get you?”

    Customer: “Um… can I please have a mocha latte?”

    Me: “Sure. That would be $3.50, please.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Me: “Here you go, sir.”

    Customer: “What is this? Why isn’t the cup red?”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The cup. It’s usually red!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that is only around Christmas time.”

    Customer: “What?! THEN MAKE IT CHRISTMAS TIME!”

    …And The Baristas Shall Inherit The Earth

    | El Paso, TX, USA |

    Me: Good morning, what can I get for you?

    Customer: “Did you go to church today?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Why not?! It’s Sunday and you should be giving thanks to the Lord! I don’t like this… let me speak to your manager NOW.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a Christian establishment where we are required to go to church.”

    Customer: “Get your manager!”

    Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Why don’t your employees go to church on Sunday?! This is an outrage.”

    Manager: “Well, if we did there would be no one here to make your delicious coffee when you get out of church.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess that’s okay. I’ll let Jesus know that you guys are helping me so that you don’t go to Hell.”


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