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    Delicious, Perhaps Not So Nutritious

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (A blond freshman girl comes in with a few of her friends.)

    Customer: “Oh my gosh! You guys are out of oranges!”

    Me: “Yeah, sorry. But we have apples and bananas, and orange juice.”

    Customer: “No! Your guys’ apples suck! And I’m going on a HIKE; I need an orange!”

    Me: “Well…”

    Customer: “No, no it’s OK. I understand.”

    (She suddenly notices a display of baked goods next to her.)

    Customer: “Oh my gosh, are those chocolate cupcakes vegan?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think so. I can check.”

    Customer: “Well, I just want to know if it’s healthy. You know, vegan equals healthy.”

    Me: “…it’s a cupcake.”

    (She stares at the expression on my face for a second, and then walks out.)

    Speechless

    | Winnipeg, Canada |

    (To start off, I’m male, as is my customer.)

    Me: “Alright, one medium latte, less hot. Anything else for you today, sir?”

    Customer: Don’t make it too hot! If you make it too hot, I’ll spank you, and you’re going to like it!

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I’m so hungry, I going to go home and stick something in my mouth, and I don’t care what it is!”

    Me: “…”

    Self Overflowing Prophecies

    | Iowa City, IA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $1.84. Would you like me to leave some room for cream?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    (I bring her the coffee with a little bit of room at the top.)

    Customer: “You didn’t fill my coffee all the way full!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I thought you wanted some room for cream.”

    Customer: “I do, but I don’t want you scamming me out of any coffee! If I pay $5 for a cup of coffee, I want my money’s worth!”

    Me: “But ma’am, I can’t fill the cup all the way to the top if you want to put cream in the coffee. It will spill over.”

    Customer: “I don’t care, just fill it!”

    (The customer goes around the corner, out of my view to the cream and sugar counter. She comes back 45 seconds later with a large coffee stain on the front of her shirt.)

    Customer: “LOOK AT ME! YOU MADE ME GET COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!”

    It’s Not Exactly SAT Vocabulary

    | Saginaw, Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hi welcome to [coffee shop]! What can I get started for you today?”

    Drive-through customer: “I want a mo-CHA.”

    Me: “What size?”

    Customer: “The middle one.”

    Me: “Okay, did you want that hot or iced?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Did you want that hot or iced?”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re asking. Why are you asking me so many questions? Why can’t you just make my drink?”

    Me: “I just need to know if you want it hot or iced.”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “What’s the difference between hot and iced?”

    Me: “About a hundred and thirty degrees?”

    Customer: “Oh… hot!”

    (Of course, when she gets up to the window it turns out she wanted an iced blended mocha.)

    Military Intelligence, Part 3

    | Portsmouth, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Military, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in an English branch of a US coffee chain. Because we’re a naval town, US navy ships always stop here and the sailors come in for ‘a taste of home’…)

    Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

    Sailor 1: “One of your chocolate frappuccinos.”

    Me: “OK. What size do you want?”

    Sailor 1: “Erm… can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Yeah, go on then.”

    Sailor: “Are your frappuccinos made with ice, like they are back in the states?”

    Sailor 2: “Yeah, good point man!”

    Me: “Yes, yes they are made with ice.”

    Sailor 2: “Is that British ice or do you get it, like, flown over from the States so it tastes the same?”

    Me: “…”

    Sailor 1: “Dude! Yeah! Is it going to taste the same as it does at home?!”

    Me: “Why don’t you try it and let me know?”

    Sailors 1 & 2: “Yeahhh…”

    (Their ship was over for about a week and true to their word, they came back to inform me that their drinks did in fact taste the same as they did back home.)

    Related:
    Military Intelligence, Part 2
    Military Intelligence


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