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    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 7

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (While I’m cleaning the men’s washroom, a regular has walked in.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll just be a minute longer and then you can use the washroom.”

    Customer: “Nope. Gotta go now.”

    Me: “Well, then, I’ll leave and finish when you’re done.”

    Customer: “Nah, don’t worry. I don’t have anything to hide.”

    (I only just managed to get out of the room before he finished opening his pants!)

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 6
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 5
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 4
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    Stay Barred Or Behind Bars

    | AB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid

    (I work at a well known coffee shop as a barista. This particular customer was a regular before he was banned from our location because he would often host religious, awkward rants with random customers in line. Management has informed us to call the police anytime he enters the cafe now. The banned customer enters the cafe, and instead of entering a line for the cash register, he approaches me on bar.)

    Me: “You know you can’t be in here, [Banned Customer].”

    (My supervisor spots him and right away grabs the phone and heads into the employees only room.)

    Banned Customer: “Can I just get a drink before the cops get here? I’ll leave right after.”

    Me: I don’t think you understand the whole ‘you’re not allowed in here’ part.”

    (The banned customer cast me a spiteful eye glare and defeatedly walked out, but not before taking a shaker of nutmeg off of the condiment bar. He still comes in.)

    The Not So Smooth Path To A Smoothie

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I work at a coffee shop that also sells smoothies. On the smoothie menu board there is a note saying all smoothies come with a banana, protein, etc.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like two strawberry smoothies and these bananas please.”

    Me: “Sure thing. Would you like a bag for your bananas today?”

    Customer: “No, could you actually add them to the smoothies for me?”

    Me: “All smoothies come with a banana. Did you want to add an extra banana?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I thought the sign meant we had to purchase our own bananas for the smoothies.”

    (I give him a refund for the bananas and he leaves happily while my crew and I try to hold back laughter.)

    The Key Tipped Them Off

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a licensee location of a popular shop, meaning it’s inside of a bigger store. After I have closed and mopped, I go to put the mop away in the back room. I notice a young man walk up to my shop and eye me as I walk away, but I don’t think anything of it. When I come back, I notice he has reached around the counter to grab the key to our bolted-down tip jar and is fumbling to get it off.)

    Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

    Customer: *quickly hides the key behind his back and grabs a gift card on display* “Yeah. I was just wondering how much you can put on a gift card?”

    Me: “I don’t know. I think it’s as much as you want. Can I have the key back, please?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: *peeking around his back* “The key, please.”

    Customer: “Oh! Um… sorry.”

    (The customer hands me the key back, acting like he didn’t realize he even had it, before walking away. When I go back behind the counter, he felt obligated to come back and tell me that he found the key somewhere else and was trying to return it! Smooth move, pal.)

    They’ll Toast To That

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I am standing in line at a well-known coffee shop, fairly early in the morning. I hear this exchange between an employee and the customer in front of me.)

    Customer: “Hi. Could I get a large coffee toasted with butter?”

    Employee: “… Sorry?”

    (The employee looks like she is trying not to laugh, when the customer suddenly notices what she’s said.)

    Customer: “No! Wait! I mean a large coffee and a BAGEL toasted with butter.”

    (They both burst out laughing.)

    Customer: “Sorry, it’s early. Although if you’re willing to try and toast a coffee with butter, I’ll pay just to see how it turns out!”

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