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    Enigmatic Espresso

    | Oxford, AL, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get started for you today?”

    Customer: *in drive-thru* “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Er…would you like any suggestions?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know what it is I always get. My daughter usually gets it for me.”

    Me: “OK, no big deal. Was it hot or cold?”

    Customer: “Both.”

    Me: “…was it ‘coffee’ or ‘not coffee’?

    Customer: “Hmm…I believe it was both.”

    Me: “I’m gonna go grab my manager…just a moment!”

    Manager: “Hi there, could you please describe for me what you usually get?”

    Customer: “I don’t know! My daughter gets it for me every day!”

    Manager: “Let’s break it down further…was it a solid or a liquid?”

    Customer: “Both…”

    A Whole Lotta Latte

    | Wales, UK |

    Customer: “Could I have a mug of chino?”

    Me: “…sorry, a what?”

    Customer: “Mug of chino. I don’t think a cup of chino is enough.”

    Me: “…a cappuccino?”

    Customer: “No, a mug of it.”

    Me: “…”

    Like A Robber In A Donut Shop

    | Steinkjer, Norway |

    (This is early December, when most of the companies have their big night out. A visibly drunk patron needs to be asked to leave due to inebriation.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I think you’ve had enough for tonight, and I think it’s best if you call it a night.”

    Customer: “What? I’m not druuunk! You’re ouuut of yoooour mind!”

    (I guide the drunk customer to the door, which he immediately grabs a hold of to resist being led out of the bar.)

    Customer: “I’m not leaving! You’re going to have to call the cops to get me out of here!”

    Me: “Well, sir, if you take a look over at the table with the people looking very intently at us… that’s the police department’s Christmas party.”

    Customer: *leaves, rather expediently*

    Tall-Size Steps Towards Venti-Size Change

    | Virginia, USA |

    (A regular customer comes through the drive-thru. She’s a difficult person to deal with and we have a new barista on bar tonight.)

    Customer: “My usual, please.”

    (I take her money and keep an eye on our new barista while he makes her tricky drink. He makes it just right. When the barista hands it over to me, she pulls a face suddenly.)

    Customer: “Who’s THAT?”

    Me: “Oh, that’s ****, our newest barista! He took extra care with your drink tonight. I was watching.”

    (I had been watching him make it and knew it was perfect. She then took a sip and made a face.)

    Customer: “Too sweet! Honey, could YOU just make it for me? YOU always get it right.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I go to the bar and pretend to make things next to the new guy, who is really making her drink. Then I walk over and hand the new barista-made beverage out to her.)

    Customer: *sipping* “Mmm! PERFECT! I knew YOU wouldn’t let me down!”

    Me: “Actually, **** made that one, too. I just kept an extra eye on him to make sure it was absolutely perfect, and now he knows exactly how to do it for next time, too!”

    Customer: “….uh… well…it IS a little OFF, but I’ll let it slide this time.”

    Fairweather Friendships

    | Bend, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

    Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

    Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

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