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    Fattening Fallacies

    | Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Could I get that donut right there?” *points*

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (I put it on a plate and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Can you heat it up for me, please?”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll just be a minute.”

    Customer: “Put it in for exactly 7 seconds. If you microwave food for 7 seconds, it becomes negative calories. Did you know that?”

    Me: “Um…I don’t think that’s how food works.”

    Customer: “Well, how would you know, you’re just a part-time employee at a coffee shop.”

    Me: “I work part-time to pay for University…where I study health and nutrition…”

    Customer: “What are they teaching kids these days?!” *walks away angrily without the donut*

    Me: “Have a nice day?”

    Enigmatic Espresso

    | Oxford, AL, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get started for you today?”

    Customer: *in drive-thru* “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Er…would you like any suggestions?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know what it is I always get. My daughter usually gets it for me.”

    Me: “OK, no big deal. Was it hot or cold?”

    Customer: “Both.”

    Me: “…was it ‘coffee’ or ‘not coffee’?

    Customer: “Hmm…I believe it was both.”

    Me: “I’m gonna go grab my manager…just a moment!”

    Manager: “Hi there, could you please describe for me what you usually get?”

    Customer: “I don’t know! My daughter gets it for me every day!”

    Manager: “Let’s break it down further…was it a solid or a liquid?”

    Customer: “Both…”

    A Whole Lotta Latte

    | Wales, UK |

    Customer: “Could I have a mug of chino?”

    Me: “…sorry, a what?”

    Customer: “Mug of chino. I don’t think a cup of chino is enough.”

    Me: “…a cappuccino?”

    Customer: “No, a mug of it.”

    Me: “…”

    Like A Robber In A Donut Shop

    | Steinkjer, Norway |

    (This is early December, when most of the companies have their big night out. A visibly drunk patron needs to be asked to leave due to inebriation.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I think you’ve had enough for tonight, and I think it’s best if you call it a night.”

    Customer: “What? I’m not druuunk! You’re ouuut of yoooour mind!”

    (I guide the drunk customer to the door, which he immediately grabs a hold of to resist being led out of the bar.)

    Customer: “I’m not leaving! You’re going to have to call the cops to get me out of here!”

    Me: “Well, sir, if you take a look over at the table with the people looking very intently at us… that’s the police department’s Christmas party.”

    Customer: *leaves, rather expediently*

    Tall-Size Steps Towards Venti-Size Change

    | Virginia, USA |

    (A regular customer comes through the drive-thru. She’s a difficult person to deal with and we have a new barista on bar tonight.)

    Customer: “My usual, please.”

    (I take her money and keep an eye on our new barista while he makes her tricky drink. He makes it just right. When the barista hands it over to me, she pulls a face suddenly.)

    Customer: “Who’s THAT?”

    Me: “Oh, that’s ****, our newest barista! He took extra care with your drink tonight. I was watching.”

    (I had been watching him make it and knew it was perfect. She then took a sip and made a face.)

    Customer: “Too sweet! Honey, could YOU just make it for me? YOU always get it right.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I go to the bar and pretend to make things next to the new guy, who is really making her drink. Then I walk over and hand the new barista-made beverage out to her.)

    Customer: *sipping* “Mmm! PERFECT! I knew YOU wouldn’t let me down!”

    Me: “Actually, **** made that one, too. I just kept an extra eye on him to make sure it was absolutely perfect, and now he knows exactly how to do it for next time, too!”

    Customer: “….uh… well…it IS a little OFF, but I’ll let it slide this time.”

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