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    May We Suggest The Decaf

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Coworker: “Hi there, what can we get you today?”

    Customer: “I want a mocha with THIS much coffee in it.”

    Coworker: “Alright, so about two inches of brewed coffee as well as the espresso and all the other stuff?”

    Customer: “What is it with you people? How come every time I go here, you have to ask me a million questions? Are you all stupid? All I want is a mocha with coffee!”

    Me: “We just want to make sure we make your drink the way you want it.”

    Customer: “So what? I don’t care! I’m not answering anymore questions! Just make me my drink!”

    Me: “Okay, so I’m just going to put coffee in the cup with–”

    Customer: “No! No, no, no, not coffee! Mocha! MOCHA! Mocha with THIS much coffee!”

    Me: “So, no coffee. Do you just want a mocha with two inches of espresso then? It usually only comes with–”

    Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! You are all idiots! Let me tell you step by step how to do it. First, walk over to that machine over there and put that brown stuff, COFFEE, into the cup to THIS line and then add the shot…and chocolate…and milk!”

    Me: “So you do want brewed coffee in it?”

    Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

    A Mockery Of The Language

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer #1: “Two coffees, please.”

    Customer #2: “Milk in mine.”

    Me: “Sounds great. One regular coffee, one cafe au lait.”

    Customer #1: “What did you say?”

    Me: “Uh, cafe au lait.”

    Customer #1: “I’ve never heard that before.”

    Customer #2: “That’s ’cause it’s Mexican. Café O-L-E. Olé. I swear they’re taking over!”


    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA |

    Me: *on the drive-thru intercom* “Welcome to [coffee company]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “I need an ‘E’.”

    (The customer immediately pulls away from the intercom.)

    Me: “What the heck’s an ‘E’?”

    Coworker: “Oh, that’s for [famous lawyer]. I don’t remember exactly what it is, but he always expects us to know it. He won’t explain it if you ask. Try a [incredibly complicated drink].”

    (The customer refuses to make small talk, and we notice him dump his coffee out his car window as he drives away.)

    Coworker: “We must not have got it right. He’ll try the location down the street next.”

    It Reminds Her Of A Full Moon

    | Bangor, ME, USA |

    (Note: Our coffee shop offers a punch card where ten coffees equals a free bagel.)

    Supervisor: “Yes, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “This girl will not get me a muffin! I have a punch card!”

    Supervisor: “Ma’am, the punch card is for a free bagel, not a muffin. I’d be more than happy to get you that bagel.”

    Customer: “No! I want a muffin! Get me a muffin instead!”

    Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But muffins are more expensive than bagels. I can’t do that, it’s against policy.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. I’m never coming here again!”

    Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I can’t have bagels after dark!” *leaves the store*

    Please Insert Coffee To Continue

    | Connecticut, USA |

    (While working at the drive-thru, a customer puts in a lengthy order. Before I can tell him the price, he peels out, driving up to the window.)

    Me: “That will be $21.54, please…” *I take his money* “May I please ask that you pull up just a bit? We’ll have someone run your order out to you as soon as it’s done.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Sir, can you please pull forward?”

    Customer: “I don’t have my order yet.”

    Me: “Sir, you had a large order. We’re going to get it for you, but some of what you asked for takes time. We’ll bring it to you. But we need to keep the line moving too.”

    Customer: *no response*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “Can you please drive up?”

    Customer: “But I don’t have my order…”

    (I try to hand him the first tray of drinks, but he ignores them. Same thing goes for the sandwiches. In a last ditch effort, I hand him his coffee. He accepts the coffee but immediately drives off, leaving $18.46 in change, 4 sandwiches, and 3 frozen drinks. He never returned for the rest of his order.)

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