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    Barking Up Your Own Tree

    | Maryland, USA |

    (Note: our coffee shop shares a building with a Mexican fast food place.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. This is [coffee shop], *** speaking.”

    Caller: “Hey, are you guys right beside [Mexican fast food place]?”

    Me: “Yeah, just come in the same door.”

    Caller: “Actually, I want to order from them, but they aren’t answering their phone.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Their manager comes in here fairly often. I’ll let him know he’s missing calls.”

    Caller: “Will you go over and place my order for me and have it delivered?”

    Me: “Ahh‚ĶI can’t do that. I don’t work for them.”

    Caller: “Please? It will just take a moment.¬†I can’t leave work.”

    Me: “Neither can I, sir.”

    Maybe He’s Italian?

    | Bay Area, CA, USA |

    Customer: “I’ll take a small cappuccino.”

    Me: “Sure. Anything else today?”

    Customer: “Just a small cappuccino.”

    Me: “Okay, I got that. May I have your name please?”

    Customer: “Small cappuccino.”

    Me: “No, sir, I need your name for the order so we can call it out when your order’s ready.”

    Customer: *tries to save face* “Err…Small Cappuccino. My name is Small Cappuccino!”

    Not Quite The Crema Of The Crop

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a decaf espresso.”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am.”

    (I deliver the espresso to the table.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but asked for decaf.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am.”

    Customer: “But this isn’t decaf.”

    Me: “I assure you, madam, that it is decaf. We use different machines for decaf and regular.”

    Customer: *gesturing at the crema* “But I can SEE the caffeine!”

    Wait Until They See The Espresso

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I would like just a plain coffee.”

    Me: “Okay, what size would you like?”

    Customer: “No, no, no, I just want good old-fashioned coffee.”

    Me: “Okay, what size would you like?”

    Customer: “Oh, just the regular size.”

    Me: “Tall, Grande, or Venti?”

    Customer: “No, no, no just plain old coffee.”

    Me: “Ma’am would you like a small, medium, or large?”

    Customer: “Well what’s the difference?”

    Me: “The size. They are all different sizes.”

    Customer: “Give me a small.”

    (I hand her the small coffee.)

    Customer: “God d*** modern coffee houses and their God d*** midget-drinks!”

    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Consumer

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I was closing one night, and it was slow. A nervous-looking man came in and went to go order his drink.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to ****! What can I get for you this evening?”

    Customer: “Um…yes. Can I get a coffee?”

    Me: “OK, anything else tonight?”

    Customer: “Yes…” *takes out piece of paper* “An iced venti unsweetened black tea.”

    Me: “OK, your total is $4.30.”

    Customer: *frowns* “How much is the iced tea?”

    Me: “It’s $2.28…do you want me to take it off?”

    Customer: “No…you see, I’m on a blind date. My date told me that her regular drink at **** was this iced tea…and also that the price of the iced tea is her weight.”

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