When Coffee Tastes Are Too Well Grounded

| Petersburg, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Where’s your normal coffee?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I just want a bag of normal coffee, not flavored.
Where’s your normal coffee?”

Me: “Oh, all of the coffees on the left side of the shelf are unflavored.”

Customer: “No, they’re all flavored.  They all say different flavors, like  ‘Ethiopia’.”

Me: “No, those aren’t flavors. All the ones with a country name are just normal, black coffees like you want. The country name is where the coffee was grown.”

Customer: “What! There’s no such country as Ethiopia!”

Me: “Well, it’s very far away, in Africa.”

Customer: “If you say so. So the ones with country names aren’t flavored?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll take the stuff from France.”

Me: “Coffee doesn’t grow in France…”

Customer: “Yeah, that French Vanilla.”

Post-Grammatic Stress

| Massachusetts, USA | Uncategorized

(I have just completed a transaction and given the customer their coffee.)

Me: “Have a great day!”

Customer: “What did you say to me?”

Me: “I said have a great day.”

Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. I am an English teacher. It’s impossible to have a great day. Something will always go wrong to prevent ‘great’ from being the correct adjective to describe ‘day’. I find you wishing me the impossible insulting.”

Me: “Have a decent day?”

Customer: “Thank you.”

(The customer sits down to eat near the register and opens a book. Another customer orders and pays.)

Me: “Have a great day!”

Original Customer: “I heard that!”

Upside (Down) Your (Empty) Head

| Commack, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Here are your 2 triple venti whole milk upside down caramel macchiatos, both with extra caramel. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Oh no, those aren’t mine! They’re hot.”

Me: “Didn’t you order the 2 triple venti whole milk upside
down caramel macchiatos with extra caramel?”

Customer: “Yeah exactly, upside down. That’s cold. I want them cold. Like with ice. I said upside down, that’s what it means.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, upside down doesn’t mean iced. Iced means iced.”

Customer: “Really? So can you make them again with upside down ice?”

Bananas Can Taste Of Bitter Disappointment

| San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(We sell bananas next to the cash register with a sign fixture that reads: ‘Bananas – 90 cents!’.)

Me: “Here’s your tall coffee, sir.”

Customer: *looking at bananas* “Oh, so that’s what you call them! ‘Tropical Paradise Bars’. I’ve been calling them bananas my whole life!”

(I see the banana sign has accidentally been flipped over to read ‘Tropical Paradise Bars – $2.25’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s the wrong sign.” *flips sign back over*

Customer: “Oh. Never mind then.” *walks away looking disappointed*

Purell-y Out Of His Mind

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Mmm, it smells great in here! I sure do love the coffee here at [coffee shop]!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad! Would you like a coffee then?”

Customer: “So tell me, how do you brew your coffee here? Is this your coffee making machine?”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

Customer: “Tell me, young woman, how does this machine work? How do you clean it?”

Me: “Well, we put coffee in these baskets, and it brews in to these pots. We clean them with–”

Customer: “Because, see, I have a fantastic business idea for you! It will be a great investment opportunity, a revolutionary way to brew coffee! I will share stock with you, if you help me!”

Me: “Sir, if you have a suggestion, your best bet would be to submit it to [company website]. I don’t control what equipment we use or how we brew coffee. Can I get you a drink?”

Customer: “Because, see, I love coffee! But my clothes are never clean! And you know that sanitizer stuff…what’s it called…Purell?”

Me: “Uhh…I guess.”

Customer: “Right! So, see…what you need to do is put the Purell in the coffee and then brew it. Then, when I drink the coffee, it will be sanitized, and when the coffee seeps out my pores, it will clean my clothes while I am wearing them! It is revolutionary!”

Me: “Sir, again, I don’t control operations here, so you need to submit this idea to our corporate office. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “It will save so much time! I have a whole system worked out. I call it ‘Pizazz.’ Would you like to be a shareholder with me? We will make so much money!”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “PIZAZZ! Don’t you get it? Pores. Clothes. Cleaning! Would anybody else that works here like to buy stock?”

Me: “Sir, I doubt it.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you so very much for your time. It will be a revolution! You are beautiful!” *wanders out the door, still rambling about his big idea*

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