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    One Telepath On The Rocks

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am handing off an iced tea to one of my regular customers.)

    Me: *maintaining eye contact with my regular customer* “Here’s your drink!”

    Random Other Customer: *yelling* “That’s not my drink!”

    Me: “I know, its for [regular’s name].”

    (I check the queue to find that there aren’t any more drinks to be made.)

    Me: “What drink did you have?”

    Random Other Customer: “Oh, I didn’t order yet.”

    Nobody Nose

    | Columbia City, IN, USA | Uncategorized

    (Our shop offers free wireless internet with any purchase. We keep it password-protected ever since we discovered the neighbors were stealing it. I give the password out at the register; changing it once a week and keeping it as random as possible.)

    Customer: “What’s the password today?”

    Me: “Nostrils.”

    Customer: “What the h*** kind of password is that? I never would have guessed that!”

    Some Customers Are Completely See Through, Part 2

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like a caramel apple latte, please.”

    Me: “Certainly, would you like that to go or in a mug?”

    Customer: “A mug please.”

    (I grab a ceramic mug and start to prepare the drink.)

    Customer: “What? No, I want a glass mug, like the one in that poster over there.”

    Me: “Sorry ma’am, but we don’t actually have glass mugs. I think they just used it in that ad so you can see the drink.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! It’s false advertising! I don’t want a caramel apple latte unless it’s in a glass mug!”

    Me: “I think you should know that it tastes great whether you can see it through the mug or not.”

    Customer: “You’re wrong! The glass mug adds fancy deliciousness! I’m never coming here again!” *storms out*

    Next Customer In Line: “I’ll have a caramel apple latte, fancy deliciousness not included.”

    Some Customers Are Completely See Through

    Accentuating The Problem

    | Bend, OR, USA | Language & Words, Uncategorized

    (My entire family emigrated from the UK a few years ago. My father and I got together for coffee over the weekend and another customer heard us speaking. In the UK cigarettes are called ‘fags’.)

    Father: “How’s kicking the habit going, alright then?”

    Me: “Well, mostly, been a few months, but I still have days where I’m just gagging for a fag.”

    Customer: “Excuse me! What did you just say?”

    Me: (I adopt my American accent.) “I’m sorry, ma’am, its a really long story. I just meant to say that I do still have cigarette cravings every now and again.”

    Customer: “Wait, what just happened to your voice?”

    Me: “Again, long story, but I can change my accent as needed.”

    Customer: “I’m calling the cops! You’re one of those terrorists! You’re going to blow this place up!”

    (At this point, she’s dialing her phone, screaming at fellow patrons to get out, screaming at the management to subdue me, on and on.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Customer: “He’s a terrorist. He has an accent!”

    Manager: “I’m not sure I understand.”

    Customer: “Just talk to him, you’ll understand.”

    Manager: “You have an accent?”

    (At this point, I go back to my native accent.)

    Me: “Well, yes, actually, I was born in Manchester.”

    Manager: *in a perfect Liverpudlian accent* “Bloody Manc! Ma’am please calm down, he’s not a terrorist.”

    Customer: “More of you!” *runs out of the store*

    An Open And Shut Case

    | Spokane, Washington, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a hot day after closing time. I am, sweeping up with the drive-thru windows open, and a customer drives up.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, are you still open?”

    Me: “No, sorry, we closed at six. I’m just finishing up to go home.”

    Customer: “So you can’t make me a coffee?”

    Me: “Sorry, no, I already turned off everything and cleaned all the machines.”

    Customer: “But your windows are open.”

    Me: “Yeah, It’s pretty hot in here, so I left them–”

    Customer: “If your windows are open, it means you are open! You shouldn’t leave the windows open! It confuses people, and I think you should make me a coffee!”

    Me: “Well, I can see how you might be confused, and I’m sorry. I turned off all the ‘open’ signs, and our hours are posted. We close at six, so we’re closed.”

    Customer: “You’re windows are open! Make me a f***ing coffee now!”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t. Everything is turned off! Do you want an Italian soda, or maybe a muffin?”

    Customer: “You can sell me a muffin when you’re closed?”

    Me: “Well, yeah. I don’t need the machines to give you a muffin. What kind do you want?”

    Customer: “I don’t want your f***ing muffin! You are deliberately withholding coffee from me! I am an American! You are violating my rights!” *customer proceeds to scream racial and sexist slurs at me*

    Me: “Oh, gosh, you know what?”

    Customer: “What?”

    (I slam the window shut, and yell through the glass.)

    Me: “Sorry! My window’s shut! We must be closed!”

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