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    Why Can’t We All Just Get Oolong

    | Rancho Cucamonga, CA, USA |

    Customer: “What is the difference between chai tea and Tai Chi?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Well, one is a spiced black tea, and the other is a can of whoop-a**.”

    Customer: “I think I’ll have the black tea.”

    Making Phoney Claims

    | Calabasas, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (A female customer has just left the store after receiving her order. She then returns, extremely agitated.)

    Customer: “My phone is missing!”

    Me: “Did you leave it in the store?”

    Customer: “Of course not! I’m not stupid. It was in my car!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no one’s turned in a phone.”

    (The customer then proceeds to search all over the not-exactly-large shop, including overturning the wastebasket in the restroom and questioning other patrons. Meanwhile, I take my rather expensive touch-screen phone to check the time.)

    Customer: “Hey, that’s my phone!”

    Me: “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! People who work someplace like this can’t afford phones like that! Is that why you made my order take so long? So you could steal my phone?”

    Me: “Are you saying while your coffee was being made, I snuck out the back door, ran around the building, found the one car in the parking lot that belonged to you, broke in, stole your phone, and got back in time to help the next customer in line?”

    Customer: “So you admit it! I’m calling the police!”

    Like Two Beans In A Pod

    | Bellevue, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [coffee shop], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, hi, is this the one on Main Street in downtown?”

    Me: “We’re actually part of a shopping center that is on the corner of Main Street but we’re several miles from downtown.”

    Caller: “Oh, well what’s the one on Main Street?”

    Me: “I don’t believe there is a [coffee shop] on Main Street downtown, Ma’am.”

    Caller: “Yes, yes there is, I know there’s one on Main Street! How do I get there?”

    Me: “There is a [other leading coffee chain] on Main Street downtown. Is that what you mean?”

    Caller: “Yes! Can you call them for me? What’s their address?”

    Me: “I don’t know, Ma’am. We’re separate companies.”

    Caller: “But you both serve coffee! Doesn’t that make you the same?”

    If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “I came in here yesterday and ordered a chai tea and you guys gave me a mocha. That was not what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I apologize if somehow they got messed up.”

    Customer: “Well, I want some sort of gift card or compensation. I am allergic to caffeine. It could have killed me!”

    Me: “You are allergic to caffeine but you ordered a chai tea? You do realize that chai is a black tea and highly caffeinated, right?”

    Customer: “I meant chocolate. I am allergic to chocolate!”

    (I look down at two chocolate bars in her hand.)

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: “Oh f*** you!”

    Peppering The Truth With Lies

    | Hinton, WV, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Can I get a peppermint tea please?”

    Me: “Okay, what size of mint tea would you like?”

    Customer: “I want a large and I want a peppermint tea. Not a mint tea.”

    Me: “They are both the same thing.”

    Customer: “No they aren’t! Peppermint tea has pepper in it!”

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