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    Be Glad She Didn’t Ask For Cream

    | Calabasas, CA, USA |

    (An elderly woman comes into the store very early in the morning.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Give me two of those muffins.”

    Me: “Sure thing, anything else?”

    Customer: “Actually, make it three. They’re kind of my fetish, you know?”

    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 3

    | York, UK |

    (The cheapest drink we sell is an espresso. Customers often ask for ‘expresso’ because it is the cheapest thing on the prices board, not knowing what the actual drink is.)

    Customer: “Can I have an expresso, please?”

    Me: “Of course. Can I just check…do you know what an espresso is?”

    Customer’s girlfriend: “You serve five kinds of coffee and you don’t know what an expresso is?!”

    Me: “No, no. I’m not asking you to explain it to me. I just wanted to check you knew what you were going to get.”

    Customer’s girlfriend: “Of course we do! Do we look stupid? God!”

    (She stalks off to a table and leaves her boyfriend to wait for his drink.)

    Me: “Here’s your espresso, sir. Sorry about the misunderstanding.”

    Customer: “That’s okay.”

    (There is a long pause as he looks at his drink.)

    Customer: “Do you think I could get this in a bigger cup? With some milk?”

    Related:
    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 2
    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Espresso Yourself Can Cause A Latte Problems

    Sinfully Delicious, Part 2

    | Brampton, ON, Canada |

    (I am working as a barista at a coffee shop. Two large hot chocolates total $6.66, which my coworkers and I joke about.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I get you?”

    Customer: “God be with you.”

    Me: “I’m sure He is, ma’am. What can I get you?”

    Customer: “Well, you have those vanilla hot chocolates, yes?”

    Me: “Yes. In fact, we do.”

    Customer: “Oh, wonderful! My dear friend brought me one some time ago, and it was just sinfully good. I have to say it. So when I saw your shop from the road, I simply had to tell my sister to stop. And so, of course, she must have one too!”

    (I recognise the religious nature of the customers.)

    Me: “Would you like anything else with that at all? Uh… these cookies are dirt cheap and really good…”

    Customer: “Oh, no. Mustn’t give in to gluttony, the Lord knows.”

    Me: “Nothing else at all?”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    Me: “All right, then.”

    (I ring them up.)

    Me: “That’ll be…” *winces* “$6.66.”

    Customer: *going pale* “Pardon?”

    Me: *sheepishly* “Your total is $6.66, ma’am.”

    (The customer is silent for several moments. She then crosses herself and dashes out.)

    Me, to next customer: “What can I get you?”

    Customer #2: “Tell me, do you get any extra brimstone with that deal?”

    Related:
    Sinfully Delicious

    If He Continues He’s Likely To Lose Another 21 Grams

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I am used to this very specific customer’s order by now.)

    Me: “Hello! Can I take your order, sir?”

    Customer: “I will have a half-decaf, extra-large, one pump of sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino. And a scone.”

    Me: “Here you go, sir. Half-decaf, extra-large, one pump sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino.”

    Customer: “Weigh it.”

    Me: “I did weigh it, sir.”

    Customer: “Again.”

    (I weigh it again. The scale comes out to 236 grams, because it measures in units of 2.)

    Customer: “It’s over. Remake it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Remake it! And I want a free drink for you wasting my time!”

    (The drink is remade three more times. Once for being two degrees off, and once for being one gram less. The manager then has to explain that the scale measures in units of 2.)

    Me: “Here’s your drink, sir.”

    Customer: “Finally! It’s amazing you all don’t get fired for incompetence!”

    (The customer then goes and adds cold milk at the bar.)

    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5

    | Simsbury, CT, USA |

    (My store has a trivia question posted every day for customers to answer. The question reads, ‘How many time zones span across Russia?’)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Is the answer to the question ’1′?

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Customer: “Well, how many are there, then?”

    Me: “There are 11 time zones.”

    Customer: “Really? I thought there was only 1 time zone in the world!”

    Related:
    No Aptitude Vocation For Location, Part 2
    No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 2
    No Vocation For Location
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

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