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    Mocha-less In Minneapolis

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (I am a male worker in a coffee shop. A customer has just left with a hot drink and gotten on his bike.)

    Me: “Man, that guy is really brave.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “He just got on his bike with a hot mocha.”

    Customer: “Wow. Well, I’m sure you’ll find the right guy some day.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “We’re not talking about the same thing are we?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Customer: “I guess you just hear what you want to hear.”

    Me: “I guess so.”

    This Customer Has A Latte Problems

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A customer walks in. She is a regular so I know her order.)

    Me: “Good morning. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Hey. Uh…”

    Me: “Did you want your latte?”

    Customer: *shocked* “You know I want a latte? Yeah. I do.”

    Me: “Large, two shot soy latte, with sugar-free almond, right?”

    Customer: *more shocked* “What do I get? Do you have soy?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I only want two shots. With soy.”

    Me: “Right, yes. And sugar-free almond.”

    Customer: “Do you have sugar-free almond, or the regular almond?”

    Me: “Both.”

    Customer: *appears confused* “What do I get? Soy and almond, with two shots?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me start making that for you.”

    (I make the latte and hand it to her. She takes a sip. She now appears extremely bewildered.)

    Customer: “Is this soy?”

    Me: “Yes. With two shots. And sugar-free almond.”

    Customer: “Okay. Right. Good.”

    (She leaves. She comes back.)

    Me: “Hello again. Everything all right with your coffee?”

    Customer: “Uh. What? Can I get a large two-shot latte with, um…what do I get?”

    (This customer does this every time she comes in.)

    Be Glad She Didn’t Ask For Cream

    | Calabasas, CA, USA |

    (An elderly woman comes into the store very early in the morning.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Give me two of those muffins.”

    Me: “Sure thing, anything else?”

    Customer: “Actually, make it three. They’re kind of my fetish, you know?”

    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 3

    | York, UK |

    (The cheapest drink we sell is an espresso. Customers often ask for ‘expresso’ because it is the cheapest thing on the prices board, not knowing what the actual drink is.)

    Customer: “Can I have an expresso, please?”

    Me: “Of course. Can I just check…do you know what an espresso is?”

    Customer’s girlfriend: “You serve five kinds of coffee and you don’t know what an expresso is?!”

    Me: “No, no. I’m not asking you to explain it to me. I just wanted to check you knew what you were going to get.”

    Customer’s girlfriend: “Of course we do! Do we look stupid? God!”

    (She stalks off to a table and leaves her boyfriend to wait for his drink.)

    Me: “Here’s your espresso, sir. Sorry about the misunderstanding.”

    Customer: “That’s okay.”

    (There is a long pause as he looks at his drink.)

    Customer: “Do you think I could get this in a bigger cup? With some milk?”

    Related:
    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 2
    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Espresso Yourself Can Cause A Latte Problems

    Sinfully Delicious, Part 2

    | Brampton, ON, Canada |

    (I am working as a barista at a coffee shop. Two large hot chocolates total $6.66, which my coworkers and I joke about.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I get you?”

    Customer: “God be with you.”

    Me: “I’m sure He is, ma’am. What can I get you?”

    Customer: “Well, you have those vanilla hot chocolates, yes?”

    Me: “Yes. In fact, we do.”

    Customer: “Oh, wonderful! My dear friend brought me one some time ago, and it was just sinfully good. I have to say it. So when I saw your shop from the road, I simply had to tell my sister to stop. And so, of course, she must have one too!”

    (I recognise the religious nature of the customers.)

    Me: “Would you like anything else with that at all? Uh… these cookies are dirt cheap and really good…”

    Customer: “Oh, no. Mustn’t give in to gluttony, the Lord knows.”

    Me: “Nothing else at all?”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    Me: “All right, then.”

    (I ring them up.)

    Me: “That’ll be…” *winces* “$6.66.”

    Customer: *going pale* “Pardon?”

    Me: *sheepishly* “Your total is $6.66, ma’am.”

    (The customer is silent for several moments. She then crosses herself and dashes out.)

    Me, to next customer: “What can I get you?”

    Customer #2: “Tell me, do you get any extra brimstone with that deal?”

    Related:
    Sinfully Delicious

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