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    C Is For Coffee, Cigarettes, And Cluelessness

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, what’s that sign over your coffee brewer thing?”

    Me: “The one that says Proposition 65?”

    Customer: *squinting* “Yeah. It says something about cancer?”

    Me: “We’re required to let you know that our coffee and coffee products contain chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer and reproductive harm. You really don’t need to worry about it; you’d have to consume a lot of coffee before it took any effect.”

    Customer: “That has to be illegal! I’m never coming here again until you take the cancer out of your coffee!” *storms out of the store*

    (Later on, when I finish my shift and go outside, I see the same customer. She’s drinking a blended iced coffee from our competition across the street and smoking a cigarette while complaining to someone on the phone about how our store puts cancer in our drinks.)

    But President Osama Said

    | Costa Rica |

    Customer #1: “So, Obama Bin Laden was found dead in a house in Iraq, or something.”

    Customer #2: “But, I heard it was Al Qaeda who was found dead.”

    Customer #1: “Who told you that?”

    Customer #2: “I don’t know. I heard it on Facebook, or something.”

    Customer #1: “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet!”

    Wake Up And Sell The Coffee

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (Near the end of the morning rush, I’m making lattes, cappuccinos, etc.)

    Me: “I don’t feel so great.” *faints*

    (As I come to, I not only hear my manager on the phone with 911 but the following…)

    Customer: “Isn’t anyone going to make my latte?”

    Mocha-less In Minneapolis

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (I am a male worker in a coffee shop. A customer has just left with a hot drink and gotten on his bike.)

    Me: “Man, that guy is really brave.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “He just got on his bike with a hot mocha.”

    Customer: “Wow. Well, I’m sure you’ll find the right guy some day.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “We’re not talking about the same thing are we?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Customer: “I guess you just hear what you want to hear.”

    Me: “I guess so.”

    This Customer Has A Latte Problems

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A customer walks in. She is a regular so I know her order.)

    Me: “Good morning. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Hey. Uh…”

    Me: “Did you want your latte?”

    Customer: *shocked* “You know I want a latte? Yeah. I do.”

    Me: “Large, two shot soy latte, with sugar-free almond, right?”

    Customer: *more shocked* “What do I get? Do you have soy?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I only want two shots. With soy.”

    Me: “Right, yes. And sugar-free almond.”

    Customer: “Do you have sugar-free almond, or the regular almond?”

    Me: “Both.”

    Customer: *appears confused* “What do I get? Soy and almond, with two shots?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me start making that for you.”

    (I make the latte and hand it to her. She takes a sip. She now appears extremely bewildered.)

    Customer: “Is this soy?”

    Me: “Yes. With two shots. And sugar-free almond.”

    Customer: “Okay. Right. Good.”

    (She leaves. She comes back.)

    Me: “Hello again. Everything all right with your coffee?”

    Customer: “Uh. What? Can I get a large two-shot latte with, um…what do I get?”

    (This customer does this every time she comes in.)

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