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  • Water You, Stupid, Part 4

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “What’s in your liquid drinks?”

    Me: “Uh, ma’am, all of our drinks are made of liquid. That’s what makes them drinkable.”

    Customer: “Oh, you know what I mean!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I do not.”

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll find someone that does!” *leaves*

    Related:
    Water You, Stupid, Part 3
    Water You, Stupid, Part 2
    Water You, Stupid

    Two Halves Make A Hole In Your Brain, Part 2

    | Clyde, OH, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like a half decaf, half caffeinated skim milk latte, medium size.”

    (I make the latte with her staring at me the entire time, apparently making sure I’m making it right.)

    Me: “Here’s your half caf grande nonfat latte.”

    Customer: “You said half caf? You made the other half decaf, right?”

    Me: “Well, yes. If one half is caffeinated, then the other half has to be decaf, right?”

    Customer: “You don’t need to be smart!”

    (She walks away ticked off and complaining to her friend saying she better not be awake all night because I’m unable to make her drink correctly.)

    Related:
    Two Halves Make A Hole In Your Brain

    The Early Bird Gets The Dumb Worm

    | Blue Jay, CA, USA |

    (We are a brand-new business. We’ve only been open for one week at this point. We open earlier than our competition because it’s a potential market.)

    Customer: “What time do you open in the morning?”

    Me: “5:00 am.”

    Customer: “But [competition] opens at 6:00.”

    Me: “Yes, they do.”

    Customer: “So, why do you open at 5:00?”

    Me: “Because some people leave for work before 6:00.”

    Customer: “But [competition] doesn’t open until 6:00, so how can you open at 5:00?!”

    As Long As They’re Not Foaming At The Mouth

    | Iowa, USA |

    (As a habit, I always ask customers to make sure they like the weight of their cappuccino, since that is as much about personal preference as drink standards. This particular customer orders an extra dry cappuccino.)

    Me: “Does that feel alright for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “This is way too heavy. Just so you know, a cappuccino is a drink made with half steamed milk and half foam. This is just much too heavy.”

    (Note: I put just enough milk in her drink to save her shots and no more. It’s 98% foam at this point.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am aware. That is what I made you.”

    Customer: “Well, this is too heavy.”

    Me: “Would you like me to remake it for you?”

    Customer: “No, this will be fine this time. Just remember that for the next time you make a cappuccino.”

    Me: “I’ll do that.”

    (The following week, she returns and orders the same drink. I make it all foam, no milk at all.)

    Me: “How’s that feel for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Much better! You’re learning! Tell your manager they are doing a very good job of training you!” *drives away*

    Please Thy Master, Or Else

    | Quezon City, Philippines | Top

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: *very seriously* “Give me your largest, most orgasmically tasty caffeinated drink.”

    Me: “Um, alright, sir.”

    (I prepare a large order of our bestseller. The customer sips his drink, and then looks me in the eye.)

    Customer: “You get to live…for now.”

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