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    Please Thy Master, Or Else

    | Quezon City, Philippines | Top

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: *very seriously* “Give me your largest, most orgasmically tasty caffeinated drink.”

    Me: “Um, alright, sir.”

    (I prepare a large order of our bestseller. The customer sips his drink, and then looks me in the eye.)

    Customer: “You get to live…for now.”

    Now With Extra Mahalo

    | Utah, USA |

    (On a sign advertising our new coconut flavored drink, the picture of the cup has “add aloha” in the custom box.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, what can I make for you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, yeah, um… can I get a mocha…no, wait…caramel frap? And will you add aloha?”

    Me: “Okay, so a caramel frappuccino…but what is aloha?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It’s on the sign out here.”

    Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s just advertising for our new coconut flavor. It’s just saying you can add the flavor of the tropics, like Hawaii, you know?”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s all then.”

    Coffee Prepared For The Fashion Impaired

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Customer: “You put too much milk in that!”

    (I put milk into the drink.)

    Customer: “Dump some of that out!”

    (I pour out some of the milk.)

    Customer: “Now add more ice!”

    (I add more ice, but the customer is clearly not satisfied.)

    Customer: “You guys always mess up my drink! It’s not that hard. Just make the whole thing again. This is ridiculous.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll remake it for you. Just a minute.”

    (Instead of waiting, the customer leaves the store in a huff. Another customer leans over the counter.)

    Another customer: “I would be that rude too if I was wearing a fanny pack.”

    Some Were Born To Please

    | Panama City, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like the banana bread.”

    Me: “Okay. That’ll be $1.95.”

    Customer: “You have a weird face.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I don’t like your face! I want an apology now!”

    Me: “Um…I’m sorry you don’t like my face?”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *walks away*

    Customer #2: “Well, I like your face.”

    A Genuine Cents Of Change

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Top

    (At this coffee shop, do not accept $100 bills because all $20 are automatically dropped into a safe and we cannot make adequate change. It’s a particularly busy day with a rather long line, and a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I want a medium americano.” *hands me $100 bill*

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have enough change to accept that bill. Do you happen to have anything smaller?”

    Customer: “No, this is all I have. I don’t have anything smaller.”

    Me: “Well then, today is your lucky day. Your drink is on me today!”

    (Note: I am trying to get the line moving and we’re allowed to give an arbitrary number of free drinks away a day if we think it’ll make the customer happy.)

    Customer: “No, just take the money, please. I don’t want the free drink. Just get the change from the safe.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, but your free drink will be up on the counter quickly.”

    Customer: “I don’t want the free drink!” *storms out without drink*

    (My manager, who had been eavesdropping on the entire exchange, approaches me after the customer leaves.)

    Manager: “Well, that bill was obviously counterfeit. Good for you for not accepting it!”

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