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    The Early Bird Gets The Dumb Worm

    | Blue Jay, CA, USA |

    (We are a brand-new business. We’ve only been open for one week at this point. We open earlier than our competition because it’s a potential market.)

    Customer: “What time do you open in the morning?”

    Me: “5:00 am.”

    Customer: “But [competition] opens at 6:00.”

    Me: “Yes, they do.”

    Customer: “So, why do you open at 5:00?”

    Me: “Because some people leave for work before 6:00.”

    Customer: “But [competition] doesn’t open until 6:00, so how can you open at 5:00?!”

    As Long As They’re Not Foaming At The Mouth

    | Iowa, USA |

    (As a habit, I always ask customers to make sure they like the weight of their cappuccino, since that is as much about personal preference as drink standards. This particular customer orders an extra dry cappuccino.)

    Me: “Does that feel alright for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “This is way too heavy. Just so you know, a cappuccino is a drink made with half steamed milk and half foam. This is just much too heavy.”

    (Note: I put just enough milk in her drink to save her shots and no more. It’s 98% foam at this point.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am aware. That is what I made you.”

    Customer: “Well, this is too heavy.”

    Me: “Would you like me to remake it for you?”

    Customer: “No, this will be fine this time. Just remember that for the next time you make a cappuccino.”

    Me: “I’ll do that.”

    (The following week, she returns and orders the same drink. I make it all foam, no milk at all.)

    Me: “How’s that feel for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Much better! You’re learning! Tell your manager they are doing a very good job of training you!” *drives away*

    Please Thy Master, Or Else

    | Quezon City, Philippines | Top

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: *very seriously* “Give me your largest, most orgasmically tasty caffeinated drink.”

    Me: “Um, alright, sir.”

    (I prepare a large order of our bestseller. The customer sips his drink, and then looks me in the eye.)

    Customer: “You get to live…for now.”

    Now With Extra Mahalo

    | Utah, USA |

    (On a sign advertising our new coconut flavored drink, the picture of the cup has “add aloha” in the custom box.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, what can I make for you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, yeah, um… can I get a mocha…no, wait…caramel frap? And will you add aloha?”

    Me: “Okay, so a caramel frappuccino…but what is aloha?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It’s on the sign out here.”

    Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s just advertising for our new coconut flavor. It’s just saying you can add the flavor of the tropics, like Hawaii, you know?”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s all then.”

    Coffee Prepared For The Fashion Impaired

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Customer: “You put too much milk in that!”

    (I put milk into the drink.)

    Customer: “Dump some of that out!”

    (I pour out some of the milk.)

    Customer: “Now add more ice!”

    (I add more ice, but the customer is clearly not satisfied.)

    Customer: “You guys always mess up my drink! It’s not that hard. Just make the whole thing again. This is ridiculous.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll remake it for you. Just a minute.”

    (Instead of waiting, the customer leaves the store in a huff. Another customer leans over the counter.)

    Another customer: “I would be that rude too if I was wearing a fanny pack.”

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