July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

An Offer Of Fruitcake

| Kent, England, UK | Bizarre

Customer: “Can I borrow a pen?”

Coworker: “Yeah, sure.”

(My coworker hands the customer a pen, and she goes back to her table. However, she returns a few minutes later.)

Customer: “YOU’VE PUT A BEWITCHMENT ON THIS PEN!”

(She throws it hard at my co worker. Turns out she hadn’t taken the lid off. Half an hour later, she approaches another coworker.)

Customer: “Why should I have to queue? I have already done so once!”

Coworker #2: “Because that’s what you have to do in civilised society.”

(The customer queues and buys a piece of cake, then walks into the stock area out back, with PRIVATE written on the door, to find my co worker.)

Customer: “I’m sorry for shouting. Please take this cake.”

Coworker #2: “Sorry, I can’t. We aren’t allowed to eat on duty.”

Customer: “SHUT UP AND EAT THE BLOODY CAKE! I WON’T LEAVE UNTIL YOU DO!”

(While this is going on someone calls the shopping center security. They come remove her from the entire shopping center. Later on that day, she comes back for one last salvo.)

Customer: “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME?!”

Telling Creeps To Bite Me

| Nashville, TN, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m standing in line at a coffee shop when I overhear this exchange between the barista and a creepy older customer who is obviously hitting on her.)

Barista: “What can I get you, sir?”

Creepy Customer: “…And why aren’t you on the menu, my dear? You look good.”

Barista: “Because, sir, that would be cannibalism. What type of coffee can I get you?”

(Dejected, the creepy customer orders a coffee and slinks out of line. Afterwards…)

Me: “That happen often?”

Barista: *smiles* “It’s his third attempt.”

Diet In The Honeymoon Stage

| MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Customer: “Hi, I would like a small latte, please.”

Me: “Would you like a flavor shot added to your latte?”

Customer: “Do you have any sugar-free flavors?”

Me: “Yes.” *points to the menu* “Our flavor shots are listed here, we have sugar-free vanilla, caramel, hazelnut, raspberry.”

Customer: “Hmm, no thanks. I really shouldn’t have any sugar added to my drink. Can you just put honey in it?”

Fuming Over The Gas

| Finland | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working alone in a very crowded kiosk. A customer points at a soda refrigerator.)

Customer: “Can you tell me which ones do and don’t have gas in them?”

Me: “Gas?”

Customer: “Yes, gas! I want one without gas!

Me: “Oh, okay I think you mean carbona—”

Customer: “I mean gas! I don’t like it.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry to tell you this, but everything else except for regular spring water has ‘gas’ in them.”

(The customer keeps staring at the refrigerator quietly, then picks up one soda.)

Customer: “Does this one have gas in it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “How about this one?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Hmmm. How about this one?”

Me: “Yes. As I said, only spring water doesn’t contain any gas. All the others do.”

Customer: “Well, I think I’ll take this one anyway and try out for myself.”

Me: “Okay, great, that’ll do two euros.”

(After about 10 minutes, the customer comes back.)

Customer: “MISS! IT DOES HAVE GAS IN IT!”

Milk It For All Its Work

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Top

(A regular walks into the shop, makes his usual order, and pays for it. But instead of waiting at the bar, he pulls out an empty litre plastic bottle. He then pulls out a little funnel and fills the bottle to the brim with our coffee shop’s milk and stands at the bar looking smug until his drink arrives.)

Coworker: “That’s a lot of milk you’ve got there.”

Customer: “I know… I have to make ends meet somehow, with the prices that you charge. That’s like five bucks worth of milk in there.”

Coworker: “Well, sir, the other customers might want some, too.”

Customer: “I’m setting an example. How much do these cost to make? Milk, coffee, energy, wages. Less than I just paid for it. So, according to Marx’s theory of materialist dialectics, you’re extracting surplus value from me, the consumer. I’m just getting back some of what you owe me, and all the other customers should too.”

(At this point, everyone is looking at us, and the manager comes over to intervene.)

Manager: “Sir, our margins are pretty tight and that…” *points at the milk* “…is WAY more than the surplus value. Anyway, I haven’t done the calculation but I’d say most of the surplus value you contribute goes to homeless people and the ones who come in here and make themselves cinnamon milk to drink. You pay according to your ability, and they get according to their need. Yeah?”

Customer: *goes quiet and walks out, leaving his milk on the bar*

Manager: “Don’t try and school me on Marxist theory, a**hole.”

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