Customer: “I’d like a venti java chip frappe.”

Me: “We don’t have that, sir. This is a local coffee shop. Were you looking for Starbucks?”

Customer: “You’re a coffee shop, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, yes?”

Customer: “Then I’d like a venti java chip frappe.”

Me: “Sir, we only have what is on the menu behind me. That item you’re asking for is a Starbucks item.”

Customer: “You’re not getting it. I want my coffee. You’re a coffee shop. What’s so hard to understand?”

My manager comes over after witnessing this exchange and talks to me.

Manager: “Don’t try to fight stupid, [My Name]. It’ll only make you dumber.”

My manager then turns to the customer.

Manager: “Sir, you’re right in that this is a coffee shop. That means we sell coffees. We do not sell chunks of chocolate floating in a mass of ice and flavoring syrups. Pick something off the menu or leave.”

Customer: “You can’t talk to me that way! I’m going to call your corporate!”

Manager: “We don’t have one, but you’re welcome to try.”

The customer then gets his phone out and starts to dial.

Customer: “Yes… is that Starbucks customer service?”

I just stare at my manager, who just stares at me.

Me: “I don’t… I don’t think he gets it yet.”

Customer: *On the phone.* “Yes, it’s your [Street] location!”

Manager: *To me.* “I have things to do. Call me back if he won’t leave.”

Customer: *On the phone.* “What do you mean you don’t have a location there!”

Manager: *To me.* “Although I am tempted to see how this plays out.”

Customer: *On the phone.* “What are you talking about! It’s a coffee place! That means you own it!”

Me: “Oh boy…”

Customer: *On the phone.* “I want to speak to your manager!”

He was on the phone for another ten minutes while I served other customers. He finally hung up, looked at me with the eyes of a man who just realized as an adult that other coffee shops exist other than Starbucks, and walks out with defeat.

Related:
What The Frappe?!

I work at a mom-and-pop-style coffee shop. It’s fully independent and not a chain and enjoys a friendly series of regulars. Sadly, the owner’s son has recently taken over management, and he is a grade-A d****ebag. He’s lazy and always late, but he somehow seems to micromanage when he is around. He treats the staff like his personal minions and is always threatening to fire us. 

One day, he pulls up outside in a new sports car an hour later than he should have arrived.

Manager: *Walking in.* “Sweet ride, right?”

Me: “I suppose.”

Manager: “What do you mean, you suppose? That’s a $100,000 car!”

Me: “Oh, the car is beautiful, no doubt. It just stings a little that you got the car a week after you denied the entire staff raises.”

Manager: “It’s not my fault that you all scored average in your year-end reviews. Work harder and maybe you’ll afford a car like mine one day.”

Me: “It’s just that the entire workforce never failed a year-end review before, so—”

Manager: “—I don’t want to hear it. I can’t help it if I have higher standards than your previous management.”

He always calls his parents “previous management” to try to avoid any mention of nepotism.

Manager: “I’m going to be in my office for the rest of the day. Don’t interrupt me for anything, you clear?”

I just nod and let him go and snooze or browse the Internet in his office. My coworker comes up to me.

Coworker: “Ugh, he’s such an a**.”

Me: “Agreed, but I need this job, so…”

Coworker: “And that car, it’s so… so…” *Smiles evilly.* “It’s sooooo parked in a disabled parking bay.”

Me: *Looking again.* “Wow, so it is.”

Coworker: “It would be a shame if someone… reported it.”

Me: “Shouldn’t we just suggest he move the car?”

Coworker: “Don’t interrupt him for anything… remember?”

My coworker suddenly and mysteriously takes her “five-minute smoke break” almost immediately, and she comes back smiling and putting away her phone. Less than an hour later, a police car drives past the car, makes a note of the license plate, and leaves a ticket. My coworker suddenly needs some “fresh air.”

Coworker: *Coming back from her fresh air.* “They said if the car is still there by midday then it’s getting towed.”

Me: “Well, he already has the ticket. Should we tell him?”

Coworker: “Don’t interrupt him for anything… remember?”

Yes. The car got towed. No, the manager wasn’t happy. My coworker was, though! When the manager asked us why we didn’t get him when the car was being towed, my coworker simply repeated:

Coworker: “Don’t interrupt him for anything… remember?”

CONTENT WARNING: Eating Disorders

A woman comes in to buy a coffee, pays, goes and sits down with her drink, and takes out a book. No problem. A few other people start to come in to get English breakfasts and sit down to eat. I’d say we’re at about half capacity at this point.

The first woman looks around, slams her book shut, and comes up to the counter.

Customer: “Get rid of these. All of these. I can’t deal.”

Me: “Not sure what you mean. Get rid of what?”

Customer: “The people! The food!”

Her voice is rising in volume.

Customer: “All those fat slobs stuffing their faces is triggering my eating disorder!”

Me: “Please lower your voice. I can’t kick people out for eating food!”

Customer: “No, the thin ones are okay. I just can’t bear seeing fat people eating unhealthy food. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to get rid of them.”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Do you want me to starve myself and die?!“

She doesn’t know, and I don’t tell her, but twenty years ago, I nearly died from anorexia. I really don’t want to be in this conversation anymore, especially since I’m overweight and she’s glaring at me like she’s about to give me grief for that, too.

Me: “Look, just go. If seeing people eat food is triggering, then maybe a coffee shop isn’t a good place for you? I’ll put your coffee in a to-go cup.”

Customer: “No, I’ve got a right to be here. You have to accommodate me, or else I’ll die.”

Thankfully, at this point, my manager came over and quietly told her to go before shopping centre security arrived because she was being offensive to other customers. And apparently, the threat of security was enough to get her to just leave. I left early that day, half shaken from the whole fatphobia thing and half shaking with rage that I didn’t have telekinesis that could have punted her out the door the instant she started up.

I work in a coffee shop. We have retractable Sharpies to mark the cups with. A guy comes in looking very business-like and orders five drinks.

Customer: “Can I borrow your marker so I can write people’s names on the drinks?”

Fair enough, people do this all the time, but when I hand him the marker, the look of pure confusion on his face is undeniable.

Me: *Thinking* “Poor guy probably forgot whose is whose.”

I went on making the drinks, and a few seconds later he handed the marker back to me in THREE PIECES. I just held out my hand and accepted the broken pen with what must have looked like the most dumbfounded gawk on my face. He didn’t know how to use a retractable Sharpie and broke it in the attempt to figure it out. Must have been a manager.

I work at a very trendy coffee shop where everybody who comes in thinks that they are cooler than the last person and that they know more about coffee.

We serve a glass of bubbly water with our espresso as a palate cleanser. Granted, we get a lot of people asking what the water is for, but this customer…

Customer: *Excitedly explaining to his friend* “It’s so cool that their espresso is clear! It’s a new type of espresso!”

Related:
Has No Problem Espresso-ing Himself, Part 2
Has No Problem Espresso-ing Himself