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  • Life Without Coffee Is A Scream

    , | QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a customer at a local coffee shop. There are several people in line behind me, so I order and pay and then step out of the way while the barista makes my drink.)

    Barista: “One [drink I ordered]!”

    (I didn’t think my drink would be ready so quickly given how busy they are, but nobody else steps forward, so I take it.)

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Angry Lady: “What the h***? That’s my coffee!” *to the barista* “This woman just stole my f****** coffee!”

    Me: “Oh, my gosh, was this yours?”

    Angry Lady: “Of course it’s f****** mine! F*** you! What gives you the right to take my coffee?”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. I ordered the same thing, and nobody stepped up to take it so I thought it was mine.”

    Angry Lady: “F*** you! You’re just a broke [racial slur] loitering outside a coffee shop trying to steal other people’s food! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

    Barista: “Actually, ma’am, this lady ordered and paid for the same drink as you. She has already apologised for her mistake, and if you just wait a moment, I’m making her drink now and you can take that one.”

    Me: “I’m really sorry. I’d give this back but I already took a sip. If you take my drink we’ll both have what we ordered.”

    Angry Lady: “I don’t want your f****** coffee. I want mine!”

    Barista: “Ma’am, they are exactly the same, and please stop cursing. There are children here.”

    Angry Lady: “Go f*** yourself!”

    (She grabs the coffee out of my hand, flings it on the ground at my feet, throws the empty cup at the barista, and then storms off without a drink.)

    Barista: *shrugs* “Shame she chucked that coffee on the ground. I think she needs it!”

    (She finished making my drink. The angry lady was nowhere to be seen, so I took it and left. It was the best coffee I’d had all week!)

    I’ll Take A Groot Beer

    | Cambridge, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (Sometimes we get customers in costumes who are in good humour if we name them instead of asking their name. We have a group come in who give themselves some DC-ent and MARVEL-ous names. I’m on the bar, making the drinks.)

    Me: *with the Batman cup* “Good luck with the night shifts, Dark Knight.”

    Batman: “Cheers!”

    Me: *Superman* “Who’s the Man of Steel?”

    Superman: “That would be me!”

    Me: “Sorry, dude. I don’t have chocolate; is Kryptonite okay?”

    Superman: “Go for it. It’s my day off.”

    Me: *Rocket cup, looking at the last in the group* “Are you Rocket?”

    Rocket: “I am Groot.”

    Lacks The Power To Comprehend

    | London, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (One morning there is an electrical fire under the city streets that blows out power to the entire downtown core. Our store is completely closed, dark, and the roads are blocked off by the hydro company and firefighters who are tackling manhole fires. People still managed to get to our doors nonetheless. One tries to come in behind our manager as she is returning and locking the door.)

    Customer: “I just need my coffee. Two milk, two sugar, please.”

    Manager: “Sorry, sir, we’re closed. We have no power.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. Just pour the coffee and give me the rest on the side.”

    Manager: “Sorry, but we have no coffee right now and we won’t be open until at least noon.”

    Customer: “How do you not have coffee?”

    Manager:“Because we’re closed. We haven’t had power for three hours.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you just ask them to turn it on quick?” *points to the city hydro truck and workers on the street*

    Manager: “They said it won’t be back until at least noon.”

    Customer: “Can I just come in and see what you have?”

    Manager: “We have no power, so we can’t use our tills, or sell you anything here.”

    Customer: “I’ll just start going to the other store, then!” *the other store is two blocks down, also without power*

    Manager: “Sure. Have a good day.”

    (The outage lasted about nine hours and knocked out every utility in radius of about 10-15 blocks in the core of downtown, including stores, traffic lights, and even complete road closures due to fires. People still couldn’t comprehend that we couldn’t sell them coffee all day.)

    Casting The First Stone Cold Glare

    | Anaheim, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Religion, Top

    (I am visiting two good Jewish friends. They are gay men and engaged. We’re at a coffee shop for breakfast.)

    Friend #1: *holding Friend #2′s hand* “Hey [Friend #2], what do you want?”

    Friend #2: “[Store Brand Drink], babe.”

    Customer #1: *spies them holding hands* “You should be ashamed of acting like that in public! There are children and God-fearing people in here! Couple of sick f**s…”

    Friend #1: “We’re not f**s. We’re gay. Last time I checked, we’re not cigarettes or bundles of twigs.”

    Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for being a couple of sinners! You’re going to burn!”

    Friend #2: “So what are you drinking, [My Name]?”

    Me: “[Store Brand Drink], please!”

    Friend #2: *to Customer #1* “What about you, mister? What are you drinking?”

    Customer #1: *splutters* “I am not accepting charity from some dirty, sick homosexual!”

    Friend #1: “If your Jesus was brave enough to dine with prostitutes, the least you could do is accept our ‘charity.’”

    Customer #1: “F*** you!”

    Friend #1 & #2: *deadpan* “No, thanks. You’re not my type.”

    Customer #1: *screams* “This whole place is going to Hell!” *storms out*

    Customer #2: *starts clapping* “That… was… AWESOME! Please, let me pay for your order!”

    Me: “Nah, thanks. I’ll get it for them.”

    Manager: “No, you won’t. This order is on the house!”

    Got It White The First Time

    | New Orleans, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I wait tables at a coffee shop that specializes in cafe au lait. We mix the coffee and milk before serving it to the customer. An elderly couple comes in about four times a week.)

    Customer: “Now I want my coffee a little on the light side. A LITTLE light, understand?”

    (She always says this.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    (I fix the coffee with just a little extra milk.)

    Customer: “I said a LITTLE light. This is all milk. Fix me another one.”

    (I fix a second cup, a little darker, and bring it to her table.)

    Customer: “Now this is way too dark. Try to get it right, would you?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    (I fix a third cup, medium colored.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand what’s the matter with you people. I want my coffee a LITTLE light. Bring this back. A little light, you understand?”

    Me: “You got it.”

    (With a big silly smile on my face, I bring her coffee for the fourth time.)

    Customer: “Now THIS is what I wanted! Why can’t you get it right the first time?”

    Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am. I’ll try next time.”

    Customer: “Yes, you do that.”

    (After she had sent back her first coffee, I put the cup on the warmer. I served her that same coffee on attempt number four. The entire wait staff has been doing this for years now.)

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