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    The Question Is Largely Irregular

    , | Australia | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (We run a mobile coffee van. When we go to the markets we have a sign with the prices and types of coffee that you can get. On the sign we have R $4.50, for regular size, and L $5.50 for large size.)

    Customer: “What’s the difference between left-handed and right-handed coffee?”

    Fickle Over A Nickel

    | ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money, Politics

    (I have just completed a transaction with an otherwise calm customer. My city is right across the border from a major American city, and this customer has paid with American currency. Here, we have phased out the penny, and transactions either round up or down to the next .05 or .10.)

    Me: “That will be $6.30, please.”

    Customer: “But the screen says $6.27!”

    Me: “Yes, but we do rounding here. 27 cents rounds up to 30.”

    Customer: “Well that’s just ridiculous! I demand to see your manager! You’re trying to short change me! I know the tricks.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s just three cents—”

    Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

    (My manager, having heard all this, steps in.)

    Manager: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. My worker here is not trying to short change you, nor is she lying to you.”

    Customer: “I want a refund!”

    Me: “You didn’t even pay yet.”

    (I glance at the money still in this hand.)

    Customer: *flustered* “Well, good! I didn’t want you taking my money anyways!”

    (He left in a huff, muttering about ‘foreign commies out to get his money.’)

    The Drink Of The Month

    | IA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work at a kiosk of a popular coffee chain. It’s before school, and my coworker is ringing up a girl’s order.)

    Customer: “I want a peppermint mocha, but with no coffee in it.”

    Coworker: “Okay, so a steamer.”

    (My coworker hands me the cup and I can’t help but giggle a little.)

    Coworker: “What is it?”

    Me: “Oh, you wrote down PMS for the drink order.”

    Coworker: *laughing* “Oh jeez, I didn’t even think about that. But that’s what it is, a peppermint mocha steamer.”

    Customer: “That’s one way to start a morning.”

    (I make the drink and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Here’s your PMS, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Don’t go PMSing now!”

    Giving You A (Prison) Break

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

    (There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

    Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

    (The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

    Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

    Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

    (He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

    Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

    (Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

    Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

    (The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

    Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

    Me: “I-I-I, um…”

    Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

    Me: “Uh, you, um…”

    Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

    Should Have Put Dairy In The Diary

    | Canada | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in a fast food coffee shop. Every year since it opened, our location has been the only store to remain open during the holidays. I volunteer to work Christmas Day.)

    Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Store]. How can we help you?”

    Customer: *in drive thru* “Excuse me, are you guys open?”

    Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we are. What can we get for you?”

    Customer: “Do you know if the grocery store next door is open?”

    Coworker: “Unfortunately I do not know their holiday hours. You will have to go take a look.”

    Customer: “You are a coffee shop, right? You must have cream, right?”

    Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

    Customer: “Great. I don’t want to go the store, so can I have 16 cups of cream?”

    Coworker: “I am sorry; I have no way of entering that into my till.”

    Customer: “Well, just give me a carton.”

    Coworker: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I will need to charge you for it, but since we don’t sell cream by the cup or carton I have no way of doing so.”

    Customer: “Just give me some d*** cream. I need it for a recipe for Christmas dinner. It is an emergency!”

    Coworker: “Once again, I am sorry but we cannot just give you 16 cups of cream.”

    Customer: “Well, what am I going to do now for dinner?!”

    Coworker: “I do not know, ma’am, but if it was as important as you said you wouldn’t have waited to get the ingredients until Christmas Day, when everything basically closes.”

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