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    This One Definitely Needs Decaf

    | Washington, DC, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m a customer at a popular coffee chain. I overhear the following exchange between the cashier, who has been there for years, and a customer.)

    Cashier: “Hello, sir, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a decaf latte, with caffeine.”

    Cashier: “Okay… so a regular latte?”

    Customer: *impatiently* “No, a decaf latte with caffeine.”

    Cashier: “Sir, ‘decaf’ means ‘less caffeine.’ If you want caffeine, you want a regular latte.”

    Customer: “S***, was I saying caffeine? I meant with caramel. I’m an idiot.” *loudly to the rest of the line* “Don’t be an idiot like me, people!”

    It’s Only A Paper Cup

    | Canada | Bizarre

    (A customer walks up to my till and orders a coffee.)

    Me: “Alright, that’ll be $1.65. Is that for here or to go?”

    Customer: “For here. Why did you ask me that?”

    Me: “If it’s for here, we put it in a mug. If it’s to go, we put it in a paper cup.”

    Customer: “Paper?”

    Me: “Yep! A paper cup.”

    Customer: “Paaaaper?”

    Me: “Um, yes, is that what you’d prefer?”

    Customer: “Paaaaaaper?”

    Me: *thinking he might not know the difference* “Yes, see, here’s a paper cup, and here’s a mug.”

    Customer: “Paaaaaaaaper?”

    Me: “Paper cup it is!”

    (I make him his drink and hand it to him. He stares at it, hands me the money, and nods.)

    Customer: “Paaaaaaper!”

    Piercing Judgments

    | Medford, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Top

    (I have a purple/reddish birthmark about the size of a quarter above my eyebrow. I generally forget it exists. A self-important looking customer in his 60s comes to my register.)

    Customer: “Serves you right.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “What happened, did it get infected?” *huffs* “That’s what you get for piercing your face.”

    (Note: I have several small studs in each ear, but no other piercings.)

    Me: “I don’t know what you mean.”

    Customer: *smugly points to my eyebrow without saying a word*

    Me: “That’s actually a birthmark, but thanks for being so judgmental!”

    (The customer turns red, grabs his coffee, and quickly walks away without saying a word. He nearly spills his coffee on someone else in the process!)

    You Reap What You Soy

    | DE, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I’m a regular customer standing in line at my favorite coffee shop. It’s a busy morning, and the very friendly barista I know is flying through orders. Customer #1 is ahead of me waiting.)

    Barista: “I have a large latte for [Customer #1].”

    Customer #1: “Is that soy? I asked for soy.”

    Barista: “Oh no, it’s not. I apologize; the cup was not marked properly. I’m glad you checked.”

    Customer #1: “I have a severe dairy allergy. It was supposed to be soy.”

    Barista: “Well I do apologize; I’ll start another right away. We always say ‘soy’ when the coffee contains soy, so thanks for checking.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t need your attitude!”

    Barista: “I did not mean to give you any attitude, ma’am. Again I apologize. In fact, I have a diary allergy myself, so I understand. Here’s your tall latte with soy.”

    (I can tell that everyone around me is feeling uncomfortable witnessing Customer #1′s bad behavior. She starts to leave with her coffee, and turns to Customer #2.)

    Customer #1: “What a b****!”

    Customer #2: “You sure act like one!”

    (At this, the remainder of the customers shout statements of agreement.)

    Remainder Of Customers: “Yeah! Way to be a nasty person over a little mistake! Poor girl is just doing her job, and she’s hustling through it too! I would never want to have to put up with you! You really ought to be nicer to people who serve you your food!”

    (Customer #1 practically runs from the store. It gives me a little more faith in humanity!)

    Acting Irregular

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I’m working at a popular coffee store, and it is my second week on the job. A regular comes in during the morning rush.)

    Me: “Hey, good to see you! What can I get for you?”

    (The customer gives me a very dirty look.)

    Me: “Um… can I get a drink started for you?”

    Customer: “You don’t remember my drink?”

    Me: “…what?”

    Customer: “You don’t remember my drink? I come in here everyday! You should remember my drink!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry that I forgot. Silly me! It’s just that I get an awful lot of customers in here, and I’ve been working since 4 am, so I’m just so forgetful. But if you can just remind me, I’ll have that drink right out for you.”

    (The customer turns bright red, orders his drink, pays, and leaves the register. The next day I’m working again, and he comes in right on schedule.)

    Me: “Ah, hello! The caramel latte with light foam, yes? I’ve written it up, and they’ll make it for you soon. That’ll be [price].”

    (The customer silently pays for his drink, and puts a $5 bill in the tip jar.)

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