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    The Tougher They Are, The Carder They Fall

    | Everett, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    Customer: “I would like to return this dress. I don’t have my receipt, but I paid for it with a credit card.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. I can take care of that.”

    (After running her credit card and scanning the item to see if there is a matching transaction, nothing comes up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, looks like there’s nothing matching this item on this credit card. Did you maybe pay with a different one?”

    Customer: “NO! I always pay with THIS credit card here. There’s no way it could be on anything else!”

    Me: “Okay, maybe the cashier who did this made a mistake. Let me try a few things…”

    (I run the card several times, trying to manually match it with one of the 28 different size combinations my store has.)

    Me: “Yeah, I’m sorry. There’s nothing coming up on this card.”

    Customer: “Well, then what do we do from here?”

    Me: “Well, you can either exchange this item for the same thing in another size or color, or we can send you a merchandise credit by mail.”

    Customer: “No! I paid for this item with THIS CARD! I’d like to see a manager!”

    Me: “Absolutely…”

    (I walkie my manager a few times. She finally comes over after five minutes.)

    Manager: “Now, what’s the matter?”

    Me: “I’m trying to return her dress. She doesn’t have her receipt. So, I tried to pull it up on her card, but nothing happening.”

    Manager: “Did you try another credit card?”

    Customer: “NO! It’s definitely on THIS CARD! It’s the only card I use here!”

    Manager: “It’s not coming up on that card, though, so we have no proof of purchase. I’m not supposed to, but I can issue you a merchandise credit now, and if you find your receipt later, I can redeem it for cash.”

    Customer: “No! I want that dress credited back to the card before my next bill!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that without a proof of purchase. I’m sorry, but that’s not worth losing my job over!”

    Me: “Look, shot in the dark here—hail mary—we’ll just do this for the fun of it. Let’s just try one of your other credit cards. What do you have to lose?”

    Customer: “FINE! If it was any card it would be this one, but I KNOW it wont work!”

    (I run the card and scan the dress…)

    Me: “Hey look, a match. Okay, $29.94 will be credited back to THIS card. Thanks for coming in. You have a GREAT night!”

    (The customer pulls down her shades, looks down, and mumbles quickly.)

    Customer: “I’m so sorry. Bye…”

    Fashions Of Dorothy

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (A customer walks in, and I start helping her out with styles and sizes. Her mom walks in right behind her while I’m starting a fitting room.)

    Me: “So, I’m just going to start you out with these styles first. Let me know how they fit.”

    Daughter: “Okay, thanks!”

    (While she’s trying her clothes on, I’m folding product and talking to my coworker.)

    Mom: “Excuse me, sir!”

    Me: “Yes! How’s everything going?”

    Mom: “Are you gay?”

    Me: *chuckling* “Excuse me?”

    Mom: “Are you gay? You’re well groomed, well dressed, and smell good… and, all gay guys look and smell like you. Plus, you know what looks good.”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Mom: “Tell me, how does my daughter look in that outfit? Would you let her be your Hag?”

    Daughter: *blood-shot face* “MOM!” *to me* “I’m sorry, sir.”

    Mom: “What?! The gays always have beautiful girls surrounding them!”

    Conjugal Clobbering

    | Hampshire, UK | Spouses & Partners

    (I’m scanning through a customer’s purchases when a pack of socks flies onto the desk from nowhere. My customer, who is a woman, exchanges waves with who I assume is her husband.)

    Me: “He’s got a dangerous throw on him, doesn’t he?”

    Customer: *to her husband* “Hear that? She says you’re dangerous!” *to me* “You can hit him if you want.”

    Me: “Um, I’m not allowed to hit customers.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell!”

    Surrogate Swearers

    | Hampshire, UK | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working on a till that frequently has problems with the scanner. I attempt to scan a customer’s item, but the barcode won’t go through and I mouth a swear to myself.)

    Customer: “Go on, say it.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer’s Husband: “What did she do?”

    Customer: “Swore under her breath.” *turns back to me* “You can say it. Vents the frustrations!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to swear in front of the customers.”

    Customer: “Shall I say it for you?”

    Me: “If you like.”

    Customer: “Bugger!”

    Me: “Ah, I feel better now.”

    Let’s Address How You’re Even Dressing Yourself

    , | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (A customer in her mid-30s approaches me. Note that we use the same standard sizing that is commonly found in other clothing stores.)

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “What size am I?”

    Me: “Well, what size clothes are you wearing right now?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

    Me: “Well, why don’t we get you a size that looks right and you try those on?”

    Customer: “And then what?”

    Me: “If they’re too big, then you try on the size that’s smaller until you find the right one.”

    Customer: “Great idea. Thank you!”

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