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    Speak For Yourself, Part 3

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

    Customer:“What is this?”

    Me: “A t-shirt.”

    Customer: “Who’s the d*** picture of?”

    Me: “That’s Grizzly Adams, sir.”

    Customer: “No, it’s Charles Manson! How can you sell this in your shop? It’s disgusting!”

    Me: “It’s not my shop.”

    Customer: “You work here, why don’t you find a real job that doesn’t promote murderers and killing!”

    (The customer hands me a card: “Bill ***, Army Recruiter.”)

    Related:
    Speak For Yourself, Part 2
    Speak For Yourself

    DIY Sales

    , | New York City, NY, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

    Customer’s daughter: “MOM! ”

    Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

    Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

    Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

    (I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

    Customer: “See? I told you so.”

    Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

    Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

    Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

    Customer: “We’re leaving!”

    A Match Made In Size 7

    , | Toronto, ON, Canada | Awesome Customers

    (A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

    Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”

    Me: “Who are you getting them for?”

    Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”

    (I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)

    Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”

    Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”

    Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”

    Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”

    (Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)

    Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

    Man: “We don’t live together.”

    Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”

    Man: “No… we don’t live together.”

    (The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)

    Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”

    Man: “Or else what?”

    Lady: “Or else I’m dumping you!”

    Man: “… Okay.”

    Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*

    (The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)

    You’re Just Compounding The Issue

    , | Kitchener, Ontario, Canada |

    (A customer had purchased a few items and was double-checking her receipt after the transaction went through. She had a membership card at the store, so she got a 10% discount.)

    Customer: “So I got my discount on this?”

    Me: “Yep, see there on each item it says ‘Member 10%’, and it shows what you saved.”

    Customer: “Wait…is it 10% off each item, or 10% off the total?”

    Me: “10% off the total. Well, it works out the same either way.”

    Customer: “I thought it was supposed to be 10% off each item. I should be getting a bigger discount on the total.”

    Me: “No, you got your discount! 10% off each item adds up to the same amount as 10% off the total.”

    Customer: “No, I got 10% off the first item. Then 10% off the second item, so that’s 20%. And 10% off the third item; that’s 30%!”

    Me: *pause* “No, that’s…that’s not how percentages work… I can show you on a calculator; it works out the same. You are getting the right discount.”

    Customer: “No, it’s all right. But I know I won’t be getting this card again. I was told I was going to be getting a 10% discount on each item, and this really isn’t fair.”

    (Maybe I should have mentioned to her that I’m a math major…)

    If That Doesn’t Work, Try Hogwarts

    , | Manchester, UK |

    Customer: “Oi you! I need a coat and it’s not here!”

    Me: “Certainly miss, do you have the catalogue number?”

    Customer: “No! I’ve told you it’s not here!”

    Me: “Okay, describe it.”

    Customer: “I want one that will keep me dry and warm in winter, but cool in summer.”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock magic coats.”

    Customer: “Well, where could I f***ing find one like it?!”

    Me: “… Narnia?”

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