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    Howard Hughes Goes Shopping, Part 2

    | Clovis, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to know if these clothes will fit.”

    Me: “Sure, our fitting room is right over there.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want to try them on. I want to know if they will fit.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unless you try them on, I can’t say if they will fit or not.”

    Customer: “I do not try on clothes in store because they have other people’s cells in them. I do not want to touch other people’s cells. My neighbor had diseases and I burned his house down, and the guy at the 7-11 is sick so I don’t go in there no more!”

    Related:
    Howard Hughes Goes Shopping

    Olfactional Hazards

    , | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer comes up to me with a knitted poncho.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this 100% wool?”

    Me: “No, it’s 100% acrylic.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? It feels like wool.”

    Me: “It does, but it is acrylic. I saw the tag before it came off.”

    Customer: “But it feels so much like the scarf I’m wearing right now, and that one is 100% wool. It even smells like wool. Smell it!”

    Me: “Um, my nose isn’t good enough to distinguish between wool and acrylic. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, smell it! Then, smell my scarf.” *sniffs both the poncho and scarf* “See, they smell the same.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

    Customer: “No, smell my scarf. Smell it!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “SMELL MY SCARF!”

    Truly Fake Intentions

    , | Waterford, MI, USA |

    (A customer and his wife come in to find an outfit for her to wear. He seems particularly interested in one that’s being worn by a mannequin.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you have the outfit on the mannequin?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I sold the last one earlier today. The one the mannequin is wearing is the only one I have.”

    Customer: “Well, why can’t you just give me that one then?”

    Me: “I can, but I do have another almost identical outfit in stock.”

    Customer: “No, I want that one!”

    Me: “Okay, sir.”

    (I start dragging the mannequin to the back.)

    Customer: “Where are you going?”

    Me: “City law says I can’t undress her in front of the windows, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, why can’t I have that one?”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I want the one on the mannequin!”

    Me: “That’s what I’m doing sir.”

    Customer: “I WANT THE ONE ON THE MANNEQUIN!”

    (His wife suddenly appears from another part of the store.)

    Customer’s wife: “He just wants to see the mannequin naked.”

    Gastronomically Priced Apparel

    , | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (While working at a well-known clothing store, a customer walks up to my cash register empty handed.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been in here for fifteen minutes and nobody gave me a table yet.”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes and nobody sat me down.”

    Me: “We have a couch over by the fitting rooms if you’d like to have a seat.”

    Customer: “You don’t have any tables? What about booths?”

    Me: “Um…we don’t have anything like that here.”

    Customer: “Is this a new type of restaurant or something?”

    Me: “No, this is a clothing store; we sell clothes. That’s why we have lots of clothing here and no kitchen.”

    Customer: “Oh…why didn’t anybody tell me?”

    Me: “Did you ask someone?”

    Customer: “No!” *storms out of the store*

    Can’t Take A Hint (Or A Leak)

    | Westbrook, CT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, the bathroom door is locked and I can’t get it open. Do you have the key?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. If the door is locked, that means someone is using it.”

    Customer: “Is there a way to make sure?”

    Me: “Did you knock?”

    Customer: “Yeah, and whoever is in there keeps yelling at me that they’ll be right out!”

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