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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Meet The New Time, Same As The Old Time

    | Israel |

    Patient: “I’d like an appointment tomorrow with the doctor.”

    Me: “How does 11:20 sound?”

    Patient: “No! I want something between 11:00 and 11:30!”

    Me: “No problem! How bout 11:20?”

    Patient: “Great, see you then!”

    The Fine Wine Between Pleasure And Pain

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pain Management of Hamilton County. This is Pat, are you a new or existing patient?”

    Caller: “This isn’t Branchville Winery?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. This is Pain Management of Hamilton County.”

    Caller: “I guess I’m looking for a different kind of pain management…”

    The Devil You Know

    | New York, USA | Religion, Top

    (I am getting ready to wash a resident’s open wound. While I am putting on my gloves, the resident sees that I am wearing a ring that marks me as a member of a certain Christian sect. It is a sect that many other Christians do not consider to be Christian, and there is a fair bit of prejudice towards us.)

    Resident: “Is there anyone else who could do this?”

    Me: “[Coworker] is the only other person on the unit today qualified to do this. Is something wrong?”

    Resident: “Your ring. I don’t want to be touched by one of you demons. You’re a sex-crazed cult.”

    Me: “I am sorry you feel that way, ma’am. If you’re uncomfortable with me, I can certainly get [coworker].”

    Resident: “I’m so glad you’re here. Her lifestyle is just so sex-crazed and evil. It’s frankly un-Christian!”

    Coworker: “You do know that she is a virgin who has never smoked or drank in her life and carries a picture of Christ in her wallet, right?”

    Resident: *speechless*

    Coworker: “Oh, and one more thing. I’m an atheist, I live with a man I’m not married to, and I have three kids.”

    A-Pee-l For An Appointment, Part 2

    | Utica, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m here for drug screening.”

    Me: “Sorry, we’re closed for the day. We open tomorrow at 8.”

    Customer: “What! You mean I have to hold it until then?”

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    A-Pee-l For An Appointment

    Has The Gall To Ask Those Questions

    | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    (I approach the family member of a patient we have just operated on.)

    Me: “I just wanted to let you know he’s doing fine. We removed his gallbladder and everything went well. He’ll be able to go home today.”

    Family member: “Will it grow back?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Family member: “Will it grow back? His gallbladder?”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t quite work that way. We had to remove it because it was full of large gallstones that were causing him pain.”

    (I show them the x-ray.)

    Me: “See here. This is fat, and here’s the gallbladder and gallstones.

    Family member: “How’d the fat get there?”

    Me: “He…ate too much?”

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