Me: “Thank you for calling Pain Management of Hamilton County. This is Pat, are you a new or existing patient?”

Caller: “This isn’t Branchville Winery?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is Pain Management of Hamilton County.”

Caller: “I guess I’m looking for a different kind of pain management…”

(I am getting ready to wash a resident’s open wound. While I am putting on my gloves, the resident sees that I am wearing a ring that marks me as a member of a certain Christian sect. It is a sect that many other Christians do not consider to be Christian, and there is a fair bit of prejudice towards us.)

Resident: “Is there anyone else who could do this?”

Me: “[Coworker] is the only other person on the unit today qualified to do this. Is something wrong?”

Resident: “Your ring. I don’t want to be touched by one of you demons. You’re a sex-crazed cult.”

Me: “I am sorry you feel that way, ma’am. If you’re uncomfortable with me, I can certainly get [coworker].”

Resident: “I’m so glad you’re here. Her lifestyle is just so sex-crazed and evil. It’s frankly un-Christian!”

Coworker: “You do know that she is a virgin who has never smoked or drank in her life and carries a picture of Christ in her wallet, right?”

Resident: *speechless*

Coworker: “Oh, and one more thing. I’m an atheist, I live with a man I’m not married to, and I have three kids.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m here for drug screening.”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed for the day. We open tomorrow at 8.”

Customer: “What! You mean I have to hold it until then?”

Related:
A-Pee-l For An Appointment

(I approach the family member of a patient we have just operated on.)

Me: “I just wanted to let you know he’s doing fine. We removed his gallbladder and everything went well. He’ll be able to go home today.”

Family member: “Will it grow back?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Family member: “Will it grow back? His gallbladder?”

Me: “No, it doesn’t quite work that way. We had to remove it because it was full of large gallstones that were causing him pain.”

(I show them the x-ray.)

Me: “See here. This is fat, and here’s the gallbladder and gallstones.

Family member: “How’d the fat get there?”

Me: “He…ate too much?”

(I am leaving the small, medical clinic where I work in the laboratory. A couple enter the doors looking lost.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “We’re trying to find the, ‘er-ology’ clinic?”

Me: “Ah urology. That’s on the second floor so if you go up the elevator-”

Man: *interrupting* “Wait, wait! There it is right there!” (He points to a door that says ‘Ear, Nose and Throat’.)

Me: “Well, actually that’s the door for Ear, Nose–”

Man: *interrupting again* “Yeah! Ears. Like Ear-ology!”