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    Natural Medicine Versus Naturist Medicine

    | GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I work for a local orthopedic surgeon. One of my jobs is to remove post-op braces and put casts on. I’m a young woman; the patient is a 19-year old man.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. You’ll be in room three. I need to go get some supplies, but go on and sit on the exam table. Make yourself comfortable.”

    (The patient nods and hops up on the table. I cut the splint off his leg. We request patients wear gym shorts so we don’t have to cut their jeans. I walk out to get supplies and close the door. When I return, I knock twice and open the door. He’s laid out on the table, naked, and playing with his PSP.)

    Me: “Um, sir? I didn’t need you to remove your clothes.”

    Patient: “What? You told me to get comfortable!”

    No Wait To Her Argument

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Time

    (I’m running slightly late to meet a patient. I arrive about five minutes after the appointment time to find no one there. I wait around, wondering if she was perhaps caught up in traffic. After half an hour goes by, I call her.)

    Patient: *rudely* “Hello!?”

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] of [clinic name]. We had a 4 pm appointment today, but I didn’t see you.”

    Patient: “Oh, I was waiting forever, and you never showed!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry I missed you. How long were you waiting?”

    Patient: “45 minutes.”

    Me: “Huh? But it’s 4:30 now and there’s no one here.”

    Patient: “Yeah, I know! I left at 4pm!”

    Me: “But, that’s when our appointment was.”

    Patient: “Right! I can’t believe you were so late!”

    Me: “Please correct me if I’m wrong, but [clinic] is by-appointment-only, which means I am not in the office unless there’s a patient. I’ve told you this, haven’t I?”

    Patient: “That’s right.”

    Me: “So you’re upset because I wasn’t here 45 minutes before I was actually supposed to be here?”

    Patient: “Yes!”

    (The weirdest thing is that I had actually treated her before, and she’d shown up fifteen minutes late without calling!)

    Self-Discarding Prophecy

    | Switzerland | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I am a secretary at an eye clinic. A patient comes up to me to get a new appointment.)

    Me: “So, this is your card with the date and time of the consultation.”

    Patient: “Do I get a letter with this information?”

    Me: “We just give out the cards. We have about 140 patients everyday. So, we can’t mail everyone a letter for their next appointment… sorry.”

    Patient: “But then, how do I remember it?”

    Me: “Well, you have your card now.”

    Patient: “That’s not possible, because I’m going to throw this card away!”

    Me: “Just please hang on to the card, and you’ll be fine.”

    Patient: “Great. How am I supposed to remember the appointment when I’m throwing this away?”

    Me: “Please just hang on to the card.”

    Patient: “You’re no help at all. In case I forget my next appointment, it’s your fault!”

    Sometimes, This Job Really Blows

    | Colorado, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I work as a drug tester for state agencies. Most people come in for breathalyzers. Our machine though does not stop on its own and I have to tell people when to stop blowing. A new client has just come in and is doing his blood alcohol.)

    Me: “…and stop blowing.”

    (The client doesn’t stop, but keeps blowing until the machine gives a system error.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try one more time…” *client blows* “…and stop.”

    (Again, the client doesn’t stop, which causes a system error again. This goes on ELEVEN more times, with me explaining repeatedly that he needs to stop when I tell him to.)

    Client: “What the F***! Why won’t this f***ing thing work?!”

    Me: “As I’ve explained multiple times, you have to stop when I say or it won’t work.”

    Client: “I don’t like people telling me what to do!”

    Don’t Try Doctoring The Doctor

    | Sydney, Australia | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am a medical receptionist for a busy medical centre. On this particular Friday night, we only have two doctors on and at least 35 people waiting. A new patient comes in.)

    New Patient: “Yes, I’d like to see a doctor, please.”

    Me: “Certainly sir. Although I must tell you, there will be approximately an hour and half wait. As you can see, we are very busy tonight.”

    New Patient: “Are you sure you can’t just squeeze me in at the top of the queue? I couldn’t be bothered to go to work today, so I need a medical certificate.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that won’t be possible. We have a large number of patients with more serious ailments.”

    New Patient: “That’s f***ing ridiculous!”

    (About ten minutes pass. One of the doctors comes out and calls another patient’s name.)

    Doctor: “Mr. [another patient]?”

    New Patient: “Yes! That’s me!”

    Doctor: “No, it’s not.”

    New Patient: “How do you know?! How dare you assume that I’m lying! Do you know who I am?!”

    Doctor: “I know for a fact that you’re not my brother-in-law, whose name I just called.”

    New Patient: *sheepishly picks up his bags and leaves*

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