In Search Of Holy Handouts

| Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “Hey…I need y’all to come out to [motel] and take me to the airport.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.”

Caller: “Oh, and bring forty-five dollars.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I cannot come pick you up.”

Caller: “What? I just came to your crummy town for a weekend and now I gotta get back home. Why the hell aren’t you helping me? I just need a ride and forty-five dollars!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Caller: “Ain’t y’all a church? Why don’t you get off your lazy a** and come get me?”

Me: “Sir, I am not accustomed to meeting strange men at motels.”

Caller: “Well, it’s obvious YOU ain’t a Christian!”

Christmas Is All Pope & Circumstance

| Westlake, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [church’s name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know why the time of the Christmas Eve mass was changed.”

Me: “There was a scheduling conflict with the Christmas Carol Concert. I’m sorry if it’s caused an inconvenience for you.”

Customer: “It has. Many of them.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “You’ll change it back, then?”

Me: “Um, no. See, there’s still the scheduling conflict.”

Customer: “But I have plans at the mass’s new time! I need you to change it back!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really not in charge of that decision.”

Customer: “I am not getting off the phone until you change it back.”

Me: “There really isn’t anything I can do for you. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Have you called the Pope and told him about this? Call the Pope and tell him that your priests have changed the mass time. He’ll fix it.”

Me: “I actually don’t have his number on me.”

Customer: “I’ll hold.”

Why The Pope And Dalai Lama Are Unlisted

| Southampton, UK | Uncategorized

(It is nearly Christmas, about 11pm. The Vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello. St. ***’s Vicarage. Can I help you?”

Man: “I need to speak to the Vicar.”

Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?”

Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.”

Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem. I am a Reader (lay minister). Perhaps I can help?”

Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the Vicar can answer it.”

Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.”

Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?”

Me: “??”

Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the Vicar would know.”

Me: “It’s the 5th of January. The day before Epiphany.”

Man: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?”

Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!”

Me: “…”

Jesus, Now Peanut Free!

| Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada | Uncategorized

(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids form next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy came up right away and just stood there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)

Me: “Do you take communion yet?”

Him: “Do those have peanuts?”

Me: “?”

Him: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”

Him: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”

Me: “How about we just give you a blessing then?” *I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing*

Him: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”

Me: *wonders if we should make up a “Jesus – Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case* ;o)

Page 3/3123