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  • Silence Is Holy

    | Florida, USA | Religion

    (I’m a volunteer usher at smaller church. This takes place before mass and there is a man praying in one of the pews. A woman is at the back of the church talking loudly in an outdoor voice.)

    Me: “Ma’am, could you please keep your voice down or talk outside?”

    Woman: “Why, I never! I am a member of this church! You have no right to speak to me this way!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you are being too loud. There are people trying to pray.”

    Woman: “Who prays before church starts!?”

    (The pastor, hearing our conversation, walks over.)

    Pastor: “Good Catholics do. Now, please go outside.”

    Woman: “And who do you think you are?”

    Pastor: “The pastor.”

    Woman: *leaves in a huff*

    An Omnipotent And Bolivian God

    | Surrey, BC, Canada |

    (The church I work at often gets people from the local community asking for financial aid. In order to help us best assess their need we require them to fill out an informational form.)

    Me: “Good morning, [church name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “‘Till when is the office open? I need to come in and fill out one of those Bolivian forms.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a Bolivian form? Do you maybe mean a form for our upcoming India trip?”

    Caller: “No, [pastor] told me to come in to fill out a Bolivian form.”

    Me: “Oh! A benevolent form!”

    Caller: “That’s what I said, a Bolivian form!”

    If Someone Asks You If You’re With God, You Say Yes

    | Brighton, UK |

    Patron: “I would like to make a complaint about God.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Patron: “I come in here all the time! I am told this is the house of God and I never see him!”

    Me: “You do realize that you won’t physically ‘see’ God in the Church? House of God means you can come here to communicate with him, or seek counsel from those who do.”

    Patron: “Is that you?”

    Me: “I am qualified, yes.”

    Patron: “So you’re in direct communication with God?”

    Me: “I interpret the scriptures for guidance, and I pray. I don’t have direct communication.”

    Patron: “So you’re not with God?”

    Me: “I study him and his will.”

    Patron: “You’re not friends?”

    Me: “No.”

    Patron: “Not even colleagues?”

    Me: “No.”

    Patron: “Anyone around here higher up that might be?”

    Me: “No more than anyone else I’m afraid.”

    Patron: “What about that Pope guy? He’s always talking about what God said.”

    Me: “You could try.”

    Patron: “Is he around? Can you call him down?”

    Messianic Rejects

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I check in families to our kids’ program. An older woman approaches me with her two grandkids. I give her the form to fill out).

    Me:  “Oh, ma’am, could I get your birthday? You left that line blank.”

    Grandmother: “No.”

    Me: “But ma’am, we need that to identify you as an adult. We can’t enter you into the computer without that information.”

    Grandmother: “Would Jesus have to give his birthday?”

    In Search Of Holy Handouts

    | Virginia, USA |

    Caller: “Hey…I need y’all to come out to [motel] and take me to the airport.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.”

    Caller: “Oh, and bring forty-five dollars.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I cannot come pick you up.”

    Caller: “What? I just came to your crummy town for a weekend and now I gotta get back home. Why the hell aren’t you helping me? I just need a ride and forty-five dollars!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t.”

    Caller: “Ain’t y’all a church? Why don’t you get off your lazy a** and come get me?”

    Me: “Sir, I am not accustomed to meeting strange men at motels.”

    Caller: “Well, it’s obvious YOU ain’t a Christian!”

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