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    Preaching To The Converted

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bad Behavior, Religion, Top

    (It’s the day of our church fete. I’m helping out on a busy stall while my father (who also happens to be the vicar) finishes up at his day job. A young man and woman are hanging about at the entrance, handing out pamphlets about atheism. They don’t seem to be causing trouble, so we don’t do anything about it. As the day drags on, we start to get complaints: apparently they’ve changed tack and are starting to harass with anti-religious taunts. I approach them with my friend.)

    Woman: *thrusting a pamphlet at me as I approach* “Coming out is better than going in! Break out of the delusion!”

    Me: “Uh, thanks. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but do you mind tuning it down a notch? You’re upsetting some of the parishioners.”

    Man: “Ha! Typical. The vicar can’t do the job himself, so he sends a couple of brainwashed children to do it for him! Wake up and smell the lie!”

    Friend: *gesturing to me*“Okay, first off she is agnostic.”

    Man: “A cowardly atheist! Why the f*** are you here serving these fools? You’re only a Wikipedia page away from enlightenment!”

    Me: *getting slightly irritated* “I’d rather keep studying at university, and help as many people as possible rather than holding to a belief I can’t prove. As I said though, I respect what you’re trying to do, but you’re not going to convert anyone by attacking them,”

    Woman: “How dare you?! Atheism is a fact!”

    (Eventually, my father arrives from his lecture, dressed in a long windbreaker. He’s forgotten to take his reading glasses off, so he still looks quite scholarly. The young man spots him as he approaches us.)

    Man: “Hey, sir! You look way too smart to be here. What do you do?”

    My Father: *slightly taken aback* “Dean of Physics at the university.”

    Man: “Finally, an intelligent human being! Can you please tell these idiots the truth about their ‘Sky Fairy’?”

    My Father: “Oh, of course!”

    (He takes a step forward, then shudders, clutching at his head and turning bright purple. It’s realistic enough that everyone involved starts to panic, thinking he’s having a fit.)

    My Father: “No… impossible! Reason… failing… logic… melting away! Delusions too powerful to resist! Must…convert!”

    (With a dramatic gesture, he tears off his windbreaker, revealing his full vicar’s uniform, dog collar and all, beneath. The young man and woman look horrified, and begin to storm away.)

    My Father: “God bless!”

    Man: “F*** you!”

    The Holy Twi-Light

    | Norfolk, VA, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

    (I am teaching a children’s Bible Study lesson on the sons of Isaac.)

    Me: “So the first twin’s name was Esau, which means hairy. And his brother came out holding onto his heel, and his parents named him Jacob.”

    Girl #1: “Like the werewolf in Twilight?”

    Girl #2: “Why did they name him Jacob? Does it mean ‘holding heels’ or something?”

    Me: “Uh… hold on.”

    (I go to the back of the room to look in the Bible, and see if it mentions why they chose the name Jacob.)

    Girl #1: “Jacob is like the name from Twilight!”

    Me: “Please don’t mention that book around me.”

    Girl #3: “Do you like Twilight, Miss [my name]?”

    Me: “No, I do not!”

    Girl #1: “Why not?”

    (I open my mouth to answer, but…)

    Boy: “Because it’s BAD!”

    Just Plain Batty, Part 2

    | California, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion

    (I work as a Sunday school teacher at my church, which I’ve been going to for the past ten years. Most of the church members know me by now, and they know I’m a goth, even though I don’t look it when I’m working. This happens when a new member notices I am wearing a bat necklace.)

    New Member: *gasps* “That’s scary!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    New Member: You “shouldn’t wear that to church. It’s scary and it’s evil! You’re corrupting the children!”

    Other Member: *to the new member* “It’s just a bat; bats aren’t evil.”

    New Member: “It’s a vampire, and vampires are from Satan!”

    (I put my necklace into my shirt so no one can see it. After church, the pastor comes up to me.)

    Pastor: “Where’s your necklace? Did you lose it?”

    Me: “Someone complained about it because it was ‘scary,’ so I tucked it into my shirt.”

    Pastor: “That’s stupid. I’d hate to have her see what you have planned for the kids this Halloween!”

    Related:
    Just Plain Batty

    Silence Is Holy

    | Florida, USA | Religion

    (I’m a volunteer usher at smaller church. This takes place before mass and there is a man praying in one of the pews. A woman is at the back of the church talking loudly in an outdoor voice.)

    Me: “Ma’am, could you please keep your voice down or talk outside?”

    Woman: “Why, I never! I am a member of this church! You have no right to speak to me this way!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you are being too loud. There are people trying to pray.”

    Woman: “Who prays before church starts!?”

    (The pastor, hearing our conversation, walks over.)

    Pastor: “Good Catholics do. Now, please go outside.”

    Woman: “And who do you think you are?”

    Pastor: “The pastor.”

    Woman: *leaves in a huff*

    An Omnipotent And Bolivian God

    | Surrey, BC, Canada |

    (The church I work at often gets people from the local community asking for financial aid. In order to help us best assess their need we require them to fill out an informational form.)

    Me: “Good morning, [church name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “‘Till when is the office open? I need to come in and fill out one of those Bolivian forms.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a Bolivian form? Do you maybe mean a form for our upcoming India trip?”

    Caller: “No, [pastor] told me to come in to fill out a Bolivian form.”

    Me: “Oh! A benevolent form!”

    Caller: “That’s what I said, a Bolivian form!”

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