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    My Tin Foil Hat Must Be Broken

    | Danville, VA, USA |

    (I am helping a woman out with her cellphone. The internet isn’t working properly.)

    Me: “I see the problem. Data wasn’t enabled in the settings.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it wasn’t Al Qaeda stealing my signal?”

    Me: “Haha, no, ma’am.”

    Customer: “They’re everywhere, you know!”

    Acting Flippantly, Part 2

    | Kearney, NE, USA |

    (I am answering a call that a coworker had already taken 10 minutes prior.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I just called a little bit ago. Some girl told me to take out my SIM card and battery, and that would make my phone work again. My battery is fully charged but the phone won’t turn back on.”

    Me: “You may need to just hold the power button a little longer. What kind of phone do you have?”

    Caller: “It flips.”

    Me: “Well, just press the red key button for a few seconds and it should turn right on for you.”

    Caller: “There are only 3 buttons, and none are red. Do you know what you are talking about?”

    Me: “Sir, please flip open the phone. You will find the red button I’m talking about.”

    Caller: “So, I actually have to open it?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Caller: “Well, d*** I feel stupid. I’d like to talk to your boss for making me feel so d*** stupid!”

    Related:
    Acting Flippantly

    A Phone That Rises To The Challenge

    | NY, USA | Rude & Risque

    Me: “So, are you looking to upgrade your phone?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Any model of phone in particular?”

    Customer: “Well, I had an LG Erection, and I want to get another one because the first one died.”

    Dummy Request

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (We have dummy displays set up of all the phones we sell.)

    Me: “Hello sir, can I help you with a new cell phone today?”

    Customer: “No. I’m just looking for a new battery for my phone.”

    Me: “Sorry, but we don’t carry batteries for cell phones. You might try the battery store across the street.”

    Customer: “How much to buy one of the displays?”

    Me: “Well those are just dummy phones.”

    Customer: “I know that. I just want to take the battery from it.”

    Unlimited Texts, Limited Intelligence

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Family & Kids, Technology

    (After purchasing a cell phone a few hours ago, a teenager and her mom return, saying they’re having difficulty.)

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer’s mom: “She’s having problems sending a text message to her dad.”

    Customer: “Yeah, it keeps saying that it doesn’t recognize his phone or something.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s odd. Here, show me.”

    (The customer types a short message along with her dad’s number, and hits send. After a few moments, a message reads ‘Error: Your message was not sent. Address is not a recognized mobile device’.)

    Me: “Oh…are you trying to text it to his home phone?”

    Customer’s mom:“Yes! Why does that matter?”

    Me: “Because only cell phones can receive text messages. It’s not going to work.”

    Customer’s mom:“What? Since when? Well, she’d like a plan that can do that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, it’s not up to me. That’s just how phones work.”

    Customer: “But it’s an unlimited texting plan!”

    Related:
    Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

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