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    Unlimited Cluelessness Plan

    | NY, USA | Technology, Top

    (A woman comes storming through the doors. She blasts by other customers who are waiting in line and slams her phone onto the counter.)

    Me: “Is there something I can–”

    Customer: “This phone you sold me is a piece of s***!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What exactly is wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work! I can’t get any calls on it!”

    Me: “Let me take a look.”

    (I pick up the phone and begin to examine it as the woman continues to rant and rave.)

    Customer: “I paid a ridiculous amount of money for this thing! I can’t believe you would charge me so much for something that doesn’t even work! What is the world coming to? Have you no shame? Do you do this to all your customers?”

    Me: “I think I see the problem, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes? And?”

    Me: “This is a TV remote.”

    (All the other customers are watching, dead silent.)

    Customer: *mutters* “I…I think I must have…grabbed the wrong…”

    (She snatches her remote and flees the store. As soon as she disappears, the entire store bursts into laughter.)

    My Tin Foil Hat Must Be Broken

    | Danville, VA, USA |

    (I am helping a woman out with her cellphone. The internet isn’t working properly.)

    Me: “I see the problem. Data wasn’t enabled in the settings.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it wasn’t Al Qaeda stealing my signal?”

    Me: “Haha, no, ma’am.”

    Customer: “They’re everywhere, you know!”

    Acting Flippantly, Part 2

    | Kearney, NE, USA |

    (I am answering a call that a coworker had already taken 10 minutes prior.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I just called a little bit ago. Some girl told me to take out my SIM card and battery, and that would make my phone work again. My battery is fully charged but the phone won’t turn back on.”

    Me: “You may need to just hold the power button a little longer. What kind of phone do you have?”

    Caller: “It flips.”

    Me: “Well, just press the red key button for a few seconds and it should turn right on for you.”

    Caller: “There are only 3 buttons, and none are red. Do you know what you are talking about?”

    Me: “Sir, please flip open the phone. You will find the red button I’m talking about.”

    Caller: “So, I actually have to open it?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Caller: “Well, d*** I feel stupid. I’d like to talk to your boss for making me feel so d*** stupid!”

    Related:
    Acting Flippantly

    A Phone That Rises To The Challenge

    | NY, USA | Rude & Risque

    Me: “So, are you looking to upgrade your phone?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Any model of phone in particular?”

    Customer: “Well, I had an LG Erection, and I want to get another one because the first one died.”

    Dummy Request

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (We have dummy displays set up of all the phones we sell.)

    Me: “Hello sir, can I help you with a new cell phone today?”

    Customer: “No. I’m just looking for a new battery for my phone.”

    Me: “Sorry, but we don’t carry batteries for cell phones. You might try the battery store across the street.”

    Customer: “How much to buy one of the displays?”

    Me: “Well those are just dummy phones.”

    Customer: “I know that. I just want to take the battery from it.”

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