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    Interrogative Nihilism 101

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Customer: “Hi, I have a few questions about this product.”

    Me: “Sure, what would you like to ask?”

    Customer: “I have no idea…”

    Please Enroll Me In Serviceless Service

    | England, UK | Technology

    (I work in a mobile phone store. An elderly customer comes in with a slider handset and holds it up so I can see the screen.)

    Customer: “What’s that little red arrow mean on my phone?”

    Me: “It means you missed a call, sir. If you hold down the green button for a moment, it’ll show you who called you so you can try and call them back.”

    Customer: “Oh, and the yellow box?”

    Me: “That means someone sent you a message, sir.”

    Customer: “Get rid of it please. I don’t do messages. I only call people.”

    (I oblige, clearing the message and missed call notification from his phone.)

    Customer: “I think my voicemail’s broken, too. People keep saying they’ve tried to call me but I don’t get a message.”

    Me: “Let’s see if I can find out why.”

    (I call voicemail from his handset and the automatic lady runs through three or four blank voice messages. They’re the kind one gets if the called reaches the voice mail system and then hangs up before leaving a message.)

    Me: “All right, sir, it seems people are getting to the voicemail and then just not leaving you a message.”

    Customer: “That’s bollocks. My friend says he always leaves a message for me.”

    Me: “Well, let me check, just in case.”

    (I call his phone from my own, let it go to voicemail, then record a quick test message and hang up. Sure enough, when I check the voicemail on his phone, I’m there clear as day, with the full message I left.)

    Me: “Sounds like it’s working fine, sir. Perhaps he just hung up too soon?”

    Customer: “No, I know him. He’s not that thick. I know it’s got to be your service!”

    (After about a half hour of testing the service with coworker’s phones calling his, some on other networks, the problem fails to come up again. We all manage to leave messages without fault.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but I think your friend’s phone or service has to be the issue here, because your voicemail is working fine.”

    Customer: “Are you calling him stupid? I’ll bring him down here. You’ll regret it then! He’s ex-navy!”

    Me: “I’m just trying to help sir, there’s no need for threats. As far as I can tell your, voicemail is absolutely fine.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I turn it off? I never check it anyway!”

    More Than You Bargained For, Part 3

    | Perth, Western Australia, Australia | Extra Stupid

    (The prepaid phones we sell are displayed on a wall, with their price printed next to each phone.)

    Customer: “Hey mate, how much is that phone there?”

    Me: *glancing at pricing card* “One hundred fifty nine dollars.”

    Customer: “Can you do it for one sixty?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

    Me: “Sure, why not?”

    Related:
    More Than You Bargained For, Part 2
    More Than You Bargained For

    It Keeps Saying Error

    | Eau Claire, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a cell phone store. From time to time, we have to fix phones for people. Today, an elderly woman is asking me to look at her phone.)

    Customer: “There is something wrong with my phone. Could you fix it for me?”

    Me: “Sure, what’s it doing?”

    Customer: “Well, it won’t make any phone calls.”

    Me: “No problem. Can I see your phone for a moment?”

    (The customer digs through her purse, pulls out a calculator, and hands it to me.)

    Customer: “See, I punch in a phone number and nothing happens.”

    Me: “Erm, did you grab this by mistake? This is a calculator, not a cell phone.” *hands back the calculator*

    (The customer takes the calculator back, looks at it, then looks at me blankly before walking away.)

    We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes, Part 2

    | Ireland | Technology

    (I am working one day when this rather angry guy comes up to me and bangs his phone down on the counter.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My phone stopped working and it wont turn on.”

    (I fiddle around with the phone a bit. Then, I plug the phone into a charger and voila, the phone turns on.)

    Me: “Sir, did you charge the battery on the phone?”

    Customer: “What do you mean did I charge the phone? No one told me that I would have to use my electricity to use this phone. I thought it had a battery!”

    Me: “Sir, all mobile phones have chargeable batteries. It’s standard. They need to be charged for a few hours every couple of days.”

    Customer: “That’s a disgrace. How can you expect people to use their electricity to use the phone?!” *grabs his phone and storms out*

    Related:
    We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes

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