I work in a cellphone store inside a high-end mall. I sometimes think we’re out of place nestled between all the Pradas and Balenciagas, but then again some of the high-end smartphones aren’t cheap, either.

Three women walk in: a grandmother, her daughter, and her granddaughter in her mid-teens. The grandmother is old money (I can tell from working in this mall) with the hat, the bag, and the shoes, each one likely worth more than my annual salary. She is looking around the place with an air of disdain.

The following conversation has been drastically shortened for brevity, but all the important points are intact.

Granddaughter: “I’d like an iPhone, please!”

Daughter: “She’s just starting high school at [Fancy Private School], and she doesn’t want to be the only one without a phone.”

Me: “Haha, yes, I remember what it was like when I was her age.”

Grandmother: *Scoffs* “You were nothing like her when you were her age.”

I ignore the WASPy grandmother like I’ve learned how to do; it comes with the territory from working at this mall.

Me: “Let’s get you set up.”

Granddaughter: “It will be nice to finally be on Facebook.”

Grandmother: “Facebook? Like what Imelda uses? No, no, you can’t be seen doing that!”

Granddaughter: “What are you talking about, Grandma? Imelda said she wanted to send me a friend request.”

Daughter: *To me* “Sorry about my mother. Imelda is the daughter of my mother’s maid. She has some… outdated ideas.”

Grandmother: “I’m sure Imelda is a lovely girl, but she lives in her world and we live in ours. Can we get a phone that has a better Internet?”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Grandmother: “Do they do like, high-end phones? With Internet for a more… sophisticated clientele?”

Granddaughter: “Grandma! I already told you, there’s just the one Internet!”

Grandmother: “Yes, but I just don’t understand. I want you to only be using the finer parts of the Internet.” *To me* “Does the Internet have an executive lounge?”

Me: “Well, we just sell the phones here, ma’am. How our customers use the Internet when they purchase it is not our business.”

Grandmother: “So, everyone is just out there… using the same… the same Internet?”

Me: “Well… yes?”

Grandmother: “No, no, no. This simply will not do! No granddaughter of mine will be fraternizing with… with the rabble!”

She walks out with a confident stride, but this falters when she turns around and sees that her daughter and granddaughter aren’t following her. I’ve witnessed moments when the matriarch of an old money family realizes she’s not getting her way, and it’s beautiful.

Grandmother: “Did I not make myself clear? We’re leaving!”

Daughter: “We will, as soon as [Granddaughter] gets her phone.”

The grandmother makes a delicate little “harrumph” noise and calls for a manager. She explains her “situation” to him.

Manager: “So, let me get this right. You want me to refuse service to your daughter and granddaughter because they’ll be using the same Internet as everyone else?”

Grandmother: “Yes. I just need to take them home and have the time to explain to them why this isn’t appropriate.”

Manager: “Well, from what I understand, you’re purchasing an iPhone today, yes? Those are pretty expensive, which makes them exclusive. While everyone does use the same Internet, it runs faster and… uh… prettier on the iPhone, so it’s still a ‘first-class’ experience.”

Grandmother: “Hmm, I don’t know. I’m still not comfortable with this.”

My manager goes into more detail about parental controls, the high-quality finish of the iPhone, and such, but he continues to word things in a way to make it seem that the granddaughter would still be exhibiting her wealthy means and status. A 120Hz screen refresh rate becomes “an upper-class refreshment experience”, and iCloud storage becomes “an executive digital lounge only accessible to those with membership privileges.” It is a thing of beauty.

While all this is happening, I am processing the sale, and I ask the mother:

Me: “If you don’t mind me asking, how does your mother use a phone?”

Daughter: “She has a personal assistant who has one and then passes it to her when she needs to use it. I don’t think her fingers have ever actually dialed a phone since the old rotary phone days.”

Me: “Oh… my.”

We got the daughter set up on her new iPhone. I hope she makes more nice friends who don’t need an “upper-class Internet”!

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 6
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 5
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 4
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 3
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 2

Back in the older cell phone days, a woman is causing a scene and yelling about her Nextel phone having liquid damage. She gets angry and throws her phone at me, missing completely, and… it hits her toddler in the head. The toddler is dazed a little but seems fine and continues their rampage of misbehavior. (The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.)

Two other customers are watching this exchange and I overhear one say to the other:

Other Customer: “If that were a Nokia, that child would be dead.”

After every smartphone that we sell, we have to offer device protection that covers physical damage.

One customer in particular is rude during the entire transaction, sighing and snapping at me every time I ask him a question or need something from him. When I get around to asking him about the protection, he looks up at me and nearly shouts:

Customer: “I’ve about had it with all your questions! No, I don’t want the d*** protection! Do I look like the type of idiot that would throw my phone around?! What the h*** is wrong with you people?!”

Me: “I understand, sir. However, if you don’t take the protection, I would at least recommend picking up a case to make sure—”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I said I’m not an idiot! I am careful and take care of my stuff! No more stupid questions!”

Eager to just get him out and be done with him, I finished the transaction and sent him on his way. He was not even five steps out of the door when I heard the sound of a brand-new iPhone smacking face-down onto the concrete walkway. I looked up just in time to watch him slowly pick it up and turn bright red with what I could only assume was a combination of embarrassment and frustration.

My coworkers and the other customers waiting in line laughed about that for quite some time.

A family comes in who lost an iPhone camping. They start out right off the bat with:

Customer: “We already tried locating it, and it’s gone. Thank goodness we have insurance, so please help us file a claim.”

Straight forward enough. I do the claim for them, though they could have done this online on their own. I’m very polite despite how pushy and demanding they are.

Me: “You can come back in when you get the new phone if you need help with iCloud or anything else.”

The next day, they come back with the new phone. They walk right up to me while I’m helping someone else and start yelling.

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell us we could track the old phone?! We have a friend who works at Apple, and he knows all about it, and he said that you didn’t do your job because you didn’t try to locate the phone first!”

Me: “Sir, the very first thing you mentioned was that you had already tried to locate it.”

Customer: “Well, I meant find it.”

Me: “Okay, well, ‘locating an iPhone’ usually means using ‘Find My iPhone’. Simple communication error, but we can still try while it’s active.”

But no, he wouldn’t listen to anything I was saying at that point, was acting like a total p***k, and became kind of scary. He ended up calling our district manager later in the week. The DM finally lost his temper and gave the guy a long-winded lecture about behaving like an adult, treating retail employees like human beings, etc. The guy came in later and actually apologized!

Related:
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 47
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 46
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 45
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 44
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 43

A customer comes in very angry from the start.

Customer: “My dad upgraded his phone in another state yesterday and used my upgrade. He told them not to f*** it up. They always f*** it up, and he told them not to. Now I’m not getting calls because you people f***ed it up!”

I pull up her account and she’s not an authorized user. It’s actually her parents’ account, and she’s not on it. Due to account security and stuff, I can’t access it, and I don’t feel like losing my job on this particular day.

Me: “Ma’am, you’re not on the account. Can I ask to see your phone? If it’s something going on with the device that I can troubleshoot—”

She cuts me off and storms out but stands outside the store. We watch through the windows while she calls customer care, actually stomping her feet and waving and crying and screaming.

Eventually, she hangs up and calls them back again. It turns out that, the second time, she claims to be her mother and adds herself on as an authorized user. She comes back in, I get into the account, and there’s NOTHING WRONG.

Me: *Trying again* “Can I ask to see your phone? If it’s something going on with the device that I can troubleshoot, I will try to fix it for you.”

She huffs but hands me the phone. I hand it back within seconds.

Me: “You had ‘Do not disturb’ turned on; that should be fixed for you now.”

She got a priceless look on her face and kind of hung her head in shame as she sheepishly exited the store.