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    Say No To A CEO

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Technology

    (I am alone when an older man walks in from the cold.)

    Customer: “So, where is it!?”

    Me: “The new Blackberry? Right there on display!”

    Customer: “How much is it?”

    Me: “It is [price] on a three-year term.”

    Customer: “But without a plan?”

    Me: “Well, we only do term plans.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (He starts to leave, and has one hand on the door and starts to push it open. Suddenly, he turns back to me.)

    Customer: “At what monthly rate?”

    Me: “Well, they start at [price].”

    Customer: “What does that give!? Seven-Bajillion minutes!? I am [name], the CEO of [Wholesale Warehouse]. You don’t know who walks through those doors! It’s your job to create interest in the product!”

    Me: “Sir, you were not interested in obtaining a plan, and were halfway out the door.”

    Customer: “You have to keep me in the store! You’re f****** terrible!”

    Me: “Excuse me!?”

    Customer: “What? Excuse me what!?”

    Me: “You swore at me. I don’t accept that.”

    Customer: “F***! F***! This is Canada! I can swear all the f*** I want! I stayed at Richard Branson’s private island! You are f****** incompetent! You can’t do your f****** job, and are f****** horrible at it too! I don’t know what the f*** you are doing here!”

    Me: “Leave. Now.”

    Customer: “Not like I was going to stay!”

    H2Slow, Part 4

    | Blacksburg, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer walks into store with a phone that’s not working. It’s raining outside.)

    Customer: “Hey man, my phone stopped working. Can you get me a new one?”

    Coworker: “Do you have insurance? The watermarks show that the phone has gotten wet.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t, but I’ve never gotten my phone wet!”

    Coworker: “Well, it clearly did at some point. Were you by any chance using it while it was raining?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was earlier, but that wouldn’t have done it, would it? Would rain get my phone wet?”

    Coworker: “Is rain made out of water?”

    Customer: “Ohh… right…”

    Related:
    H2Slow, Part 3
    H2Slow, Part 2
    H2Slow

    You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7

    | Mercer County, NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (I work for a franchise of a major cell phone company in the US.)

    Customer: “I just had a woman call me on my cell phone. Can you look up her information and tell me her last name and address?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but unless you are listed on the account as an authorized user I cannot give away any personal information.”

    Customer: “Well then, can you add me as an authorized user so I can see her address?”

    Me: “No, sir, only the account holder can add or remove authorized users.”

    Customer: “Well she called me and I want to find her; what can I do?”

    Me: “Call her back?”

    Customer: “I can’t do that; after she gave me her name she realized it was a wrong number and hung up!”

    Me: “So let me get this straight, you want me to look up a customer’s number, add you as an authorized user, give you her name and address, and you don’t even know her?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Sir, you need to leave.”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 6
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 5
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am helping a customer who’s having an issue with his iPhone’s touch screen.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, what I’m going to try is a soft reboot. That usually fixes these issues.”

    (Another customer, who has been standing behind me, suddenly turns around.)

    Customer: “What? Ah h*** no! Let me have a look at that, ma’am.”

    (He suddenly rips the phone out of my hands.)

    Me: “Sir, please hand that back!”

    Customer: “All you have to do is just take the battery out, like so…”

    (He attempts to pry the casing off the back of the phone. Unfortunately on an iPhone, the battery cannot be removed that way, so he just ends up struggling fruitlessly with it for several seconds.)

    Me: “Sir, please can I just try—”

    Customer: “Butt out! Let’s see if this works…”

    (He jabs frantically at the screen, violently shakes the phone, then finally throws it on the floor, breaking the screen.)

    Customer: “Yeah, the d*** thing is FUBAR. You’re out of luck, buddy.”

    (He walks out.)

    Me: “Did that really just happen?”

    (Mercifully, my original customer has insurance, so we are able to get him a replacement phone.)

    Related:

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

    The Signal Is Strong With This One

    | UK | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Technology, Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for a Motorola Android phone.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell Motorola in this store. We do, however, have several different Android handsets you could take a look at.”

    (The customer dutifully looks over several Android phones, before turning to the me. He looks serious.)

    Customer: “These are not the ‘droids I’m looking for.”

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