(I work at a car wash that often sees high-end vehicles such as Ferraris. In fact, we get so much people staring that we’d actually had to change our exit to the road as people always bunched up around the cars making exiting difficult. The exit is very well signed, with big white lines being drawn; not a single accident has happened. However, one day, someone in a very banged-up Volkswagen wants to save time by driving into the exit so he could get to the pump quicker, but drives straight into a brand new Ferrari.)

Volkswagen Driver: “My car! Look at what you have done to my car!”

Ferrari Driver: “Pardon me?!”

Volkswagen Driver: “Look at what you have done to my car with your s*** Lamborghini!”

Ferrari Driver: “First of all, this is a Ferrari. Secondly, I honestly can’t tell if the big dent in your car was there to begin with or not. Judging by the state of your vehicle, it must have been. But, seeing how you have damaged my vehicle, we are going to have a problem.”

Volkswagen Driver: “Pssh. Your car isn’t worth half of mine! See the audio equipment in my baby, buddy? 500 Euros!”

(The Ferrari driver gets on his phone as the Volkswagen driver continues to rant about how that ‘piece of s*** Porsche’ ruined his car. Sure enough, the police arrive and take statements. Once they take the Ferrari owner’s statement and review our security footage, the Volkswagen driver is blamed.)

Volkswagen Driver: “F*** you, a**holes!” I’m not going to pay for that wreck!”

Police Officer: “You certainly are, but we’ll discuss that on the station.”

Volkswagen Driver: “Why?!”

Police Officer: “Well, to start with, you’ve given us false details. Following that, you caused an accident and refused to settle this correctly whilst clearly being to blame. Following that, we have done a check on your vehicle and it’s uninsured. Also, you don’t have a licence and you’re wanted for two hit and runs.”

(At that moment the Volkswagen driver starts to run. His mistake is trying to run past the Ferrari driver, who has been calm and collected through the whole ordeal. Without a single second thought, the Ferrari driver takes a swing at the Volkswagen driver; who gets hit in the stomach and collapses for the police officers to arrest him. We learn that the Volkswagen driver was put in jail for four years for various offences, while the Ferrari driver was let off with a warning.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today? Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Here you go. Do you all do any detailing here?”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t. I can recommend a place.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I just really need to get my car sodomized.”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Manager: *walks in*

Customer, to my manager: “Do you know a good sodomizer? It’s been ages since I had it done.”

Manager: *walks out*

(An old man walks into the lobby.)

Me: “Hi, how are you doing?”

Customer: “Everyone I can.”

Me: “…”

(The customer pulls out a cigar, lights it, then ashes it on the counter.)

Me: “You can’t smoke a cigar in here.”

Customer: “That’s what she said.”

Me: “…”

(A woman returns to our car wash with a scowl on her face, 15 minutes after leaving. Note that she drives a black Beetle and it’s been 80 degrees with sunny skies for the past week.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back!”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to speak with your owner please.”

Me: “He’s having a conference call right now. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, my car is still dirty.”

Me: “Oh, did the mud not wash off the back?”

Customer: “There was no mud. The egg didn’t wash off the roof of my car.”

Me: “Um, someone egged you car? How long has the egg been there?”

Customer: “A week or so, but thats not the point. It didn’t wash off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked into your paint. It’s never going to wash off.”

Customer: “What?! It’s just a f***ing egg! My car is not a g**d*** frying pan! It was some friends playing a joke… just wash it off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked on. You have to get it repainted. Whoever egged your car is no friend of yours.”

(The customer suddenly gets very quiet and glares at me.)

Customer: *whispers* “… Who have you been talking to?”

(The customer points her finger at my face and begins to slowly back out the door. She then slowly sits in her car and drives off… without breaking her stare.)

(I am a booth girl at a car wash: I tell customers about our products, mark their choice, and give them a ticket. There is a giant 4′ by 2′ sign on my booth that lists everything in detail.)

Me: “Hi, can I suggest our Premier package today?”

Customer: “How much does it cost?”

Me: *motions towards board* “$16.95.”

Customer: “What comes with it?”

Me: *motions to board again, listing options*

Customer: “What’s the difference between that and the number 2?”

Me: *motions third time, lists options*

Customer: “What about he number 2 and number 1? Does number 3 come with the clean car guarantee? Is there an oversize charge for my Denali?”

(ALL of this is listed in huge letters right in front of her face. She finally makes a decision.)

Customer: “I’ll take the number 3, but I don’t want any wax.”

Me: “No problem, I’ll mark your window to let them know to skip the wax.”

Customer: “I sure hope they read!”

Me: *ultimate facepalm*