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    Time To Separate The Horse From The Goats

    | VA, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (We offer pony camps during the summer to kids wanting to learn to ride. We have very calm, safe horses to ride, and take all safety measures, but some parents are naturally worrisome.)

    Mom: “Those horses are awfully big… Don’t you have something smaller for my daughter?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I assure you, all of our horses are sweet. I’ve ridden all of them over my years here.”

    Mom: “I just think that they’re too big for her. Maybe something smaller? Like a miniature horse?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t really ride a miniature horse…”

    Mom: “Oh! What about that one! It’s perfectly sized for her!”

    Me: “Uh… Ma’am… that’s a goat.”

    (At this point, the daughter was bright red. She ended up riding one of our largest horses and did awesomely. And poor Benny the goat didn’t have to worry!)

    Turning Right Is Apparently Wrong

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Geography, Technology

    (I work in a campground that is just outside of the city limits. We are off a highway that has the ‘Welcome to our city’ sign on it, and which is the only way in or out of the city for miles. A customer comes in with a GPS.)

    Customer: “I’d like to get into the city. What should I program into the GPS?”

    Me: “Oh, it’s quite simple, just exit the campground and turn right. The highway leads into the city.”

    Customer: “But what should I program into the GPS?”

    Me: “Are you looking for a particular location?”

    Customer: “No, I just want to get into the city itself. Can you tell my GPS what directions it should give me?”

    Me: “All you have to do is turn right and follow the highway. You won’t need your GPS. Once you pass the ‘Welcome’ sign you should begin to see buildings.”

    Customer: “But how do I get into the city? I need my GPS to tell me what to do!”

    (I give up, and program the GPS with the coordinates of a gas station just past the ‘Welcome’ sign.)

    GPS: “Turn right. In five kilometers, you will reach your destination.”

    Customer: “Hey, the city is just down the road! You could have just told me to turn right!”

    Not What The Doctor Ordered

    | MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (In one week we are hosting a benefit dinner to set up a scholarship fund helping underprivileged kids go to summer camp. It is my job to take reservations, which have been closed for a week. I take a phone call.)

    Me: “[Business]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. This is Doctor [Name]. I would like three tickets to the dinner.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately ticket sales closed a week ago. We had to give final numbers to the caterer and—”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I’m a doctor and I know the speaker. She and my daughter went to college together.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but the speaker knew when ticket sales closed and she never mentioned—”

    Customer: “But I’m a doctor! And I know the speaker!”

    Me: “Congratulations, ma’am. But we’ve turned the numbers in—”

    Customer: “You’ll just have to tell them you have three more guests. What time is the dinner? We will be coming.”

    Me: “I can’t—”

    Customer: “You will tell them. I know the speaker.”

    Me: *sigh* “I will talk to our director and see what I can do but—”

    Customer: “Good. My name is Doctor [Name] and I know the speaker.”

    (The caller proceeds to give me all of her contact information. I talk to my boss a few hours later and she reluctantly agrees to sell tickets to the woman because we ordered more meals than necessary for this exact reason. I am getting ready to call the woman back when the phone rings and I answer it.)

    Customer: “This is Doctor [Name] and you said you would talk to your— whoever it is —and make sure we get tickets. We will be coming. I know the speaker.”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We have extra plates available and we have your name on the reservation list for three tickets.”

    Customer: “Good. See, this is how you treat a doctor. Now, what is my discount for knowing the speaker?”

    Me: “You don’t get a discount.”

    Customer: “Of course I do; I’m a doctor and I know the speaker.”

    Me: “Ma’am, everyone pays the same ticket price. We have everyone from doctors, engineers, nurses, janitors, and camp counselors coming to this dinner and they all reserved their seats before the deadline and are all paying the same ticket price. Your total is [total].”

    Customer: “Ugh! Fine! But I won’t give you people a dime more for whatever it is you’re doing, you hear me?”

    Me: “Yes, doctor.”

    (She was just as rude and egotistical when I met her in person, still making sure to let me know she was a doctor and more important than anyone. And she made good on her promise to not give anything to the scholarship fund for children.)

    Somehow, The Great Indoors Doesn’t Have The Same Ring To It

    | Newfoundland, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I work in a small checkpoint building at a campground. It acts as sort of a front desk for the campground. The building being very small, it gets very hot in the summer and has windows on all four sides of it. Three sides for ventilation, with one wicket for serving customers.)

    Customer: *pulls up in an RV* “Yeah, I want a campsite for the night.” *holds out cash*

    Me: “Sure, we have lots of availability. Can you come around to the front window here? This one is only for fresh air, and I can’t remove the fly screen.”

    Customer: “You mean come OUT? Like OUTDOORS?” *gets panicky* “Like, where there are bugs, and dirt, and pollen?!”

    Me: “Yeah, I can’t serve anyone through that window. I need you to get out and come around to this one.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I can’t do that! I think I’ll find somewhere else to camp for the night, with less outdoors!” *drives off*

    The Camper Is Not Always Right

    | Louisiana, USA | Family & Kids

    (It is the last day of camp, and the campers are even more unruly than usual. They have spent the last 30 minutes putting foam stickers everywhere, and I do mean everywhere.)

    Me: “Okay, guys and gals! Your parents will be here to pick you up soon, so let’s clean up a bit and get these stickers off the floor.”

    Camper: *eye roll* “I don’t understand why we have to pick this up. This is camp!”

    Me: “Well, the other counselors and I didn’t put stickers all over the floor. Do you expect us to pick this up?”

    Camper: “Yes! This is camp! We’re not at home, we’re at camp! We shouldn’t have to clean up after ourselves! That’s YOUR job!”

    Me: *jawdrop*

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