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    How To Cancel Death, Part 2

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hello. I’m calling to cancel my service because, you see, my wife is no longer with us. I haven’t been able to get into the account for some months now because, of course, I didn’t have her info.”

    Me: “Oh, I understand. I’m sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your account.”

    (In the background, I hear a woman’s voice.)

    Woman: “Honey, where are the car keys!?”

    Customer: “Shut up! You’re supposed to be dead!”

    Woman: “WHAT!?” *click*

    Related:
    How To Cancel Death

    Teaching Them To Be A Smart Cookie

    | Wyoming, MI, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I am a supervisor in a call center for a large online accommodation site. I get an angry guest escalated to me because she is unhappy about something that has appeared on her screen while browsing our site.)

    Me: “Hello. My name is [Name] and I’m a supervisor at [Site]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m am just calling to let you know that I am never using your site! Ever!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I was just browsing hotels in California and porn popped up in a sidebar on your website!”

    Me: “I’m sorry that happened, ma’am, but we have no control over that.”

    Customer: “Well you better get control over it quick!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re misunderstanding me. The advertisements on the side of your screen are based on your previous browsing history.”

    Customer: “I would never go on a site like that!”

    Me: “I understand that, ma’am, but I’m just trying to explain the technical aspect of how they work. Being that I work at [Site], I am on our site quite a bit and because of that, all the advertisements on the side are for [Site].”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, what do I do?”

    Me: “I can walk you through how to get rid of them if you’d like.”

    (I walked the customer through how to delete her cookies in her browser and she calmed down. She was very grateful for my help and stated that she was going to have some investigating to do with her husband and kids!)

    A Credit Score As Strong As Jell-o

    | Littleton, CO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work at a call center selling TVs. All customers have to have a credit check performed to see what they’re eligible for as far as equipment. One caller has terrible credit, so the price is higher. I leave her my office number if she changes her mind. She calls me back.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I be of assistance?”

    Caller: “Hi. I called yesterday and the price was stupid high. I finally got the letter in the mail telling me about all the free upgrades and s***. I want the better price now.”

    Me: “That sounds great! Can I ask, did they run your credit score yesterday?”

    Caller: “Nuh uh.”

    Me: “Not a problem. So I can land you the best offer, let’s knock that out real fast.”

    Caller: “I already gave all this information! Why the h*** do I have to give it again?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I thought you hadn’t run a credit check prior to our conversation.”

    Caller: “Yes, I have! I just told you that! OPEN YOUR EARS!”

    Me: “My mistake. When was the score checked?”

    (I know when it was checked: yesterday, by me.)

    Caller: “Jesus F****** Christ! I want a manager on the phone!”

    Me: “Ma’am, a manager will tell you the same thing. I’m only trying to make sure we get you the best possible deal.”

    Caller: “Fine…” *provides information*

    Me: “Based on what you told me, this will be your price.”

    (It’s something high because her credit is awful.)

    Caller: “That’s the same price as yesterday! This is false advertisement! I’m going to sue!”

    Me: “Ma’am, on the bottom left of your advertisement, you’ll see that all prices are based off a credit score.”

    Caller: “That doesn’t matter! The flyer says I get a free upgrade and a better DVR!”

    Me: “Upgraded from what exactly, ma’am?”

    Caller: “From what you’re giving me today! That’s why I called! Now give me the f****** deal!”

    (Dumbfounded, I figure I might as well argue insanity with insanity.)

    Me: “I’m a big fan of green jello.”

    Caller: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WANT A MANAGER!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Please hold.”

    (I explain everything to our team lead and he gets on the phone.)

    Team Lead: “Hi, ma’am. This is [Name]. How can I be of service?”

    Caller: “You need to get your people in order. They don’t know s***!”

    Team Lead: “Ma’am, are you saying you dislike green jello? Because we just won’t tolerate that.”

    Caller: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT!?”

    Team Lead: “An advertisement in the mail doesn’t change your credit score. That’s what my team member was telling you but you continued to act like a child. Do not call our department again unless you’re willing to be more polite to my team.”

    Caller: “Y’all are trying to play me! I’m getting my momma. She’ll straighten you out!”

    Team Lead: “I bet, considering the great job she did with you.”

    In Threat Of A Disconnect

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Money, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a large local cable and telephone company. My department deals with clients that haven’t paid their bills and had their service suspended. I have dealt with a lot of abuse everyday for the last two years. This has taken its toll and I’m now in my final week of my month’s notice. A particularly vile client has come through. We have suspended his cable service on the day of a big football match.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. You’re through to [Cable Company]. My name is [First Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Listen b****. You need to turn my cable back on right now! I’ve got f****** friends coming over to watch the match!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It looks like your service has been suspended as you have two months charges currently outstanding. We will be unable to reconnect your service without the account being settled in full. However, if you would like me to take a card payment now I can get you reconnected in about 10 minutes.”

    Customer: “Listen, you’ll get your money when I’m good and ready. I’m sick of your company. I swear I’m going to rip your f****** equipment out of the wall and throw it in the garden if you don’t switch it back on NOW!”

    Me: “I wouldn’t advise that, sir. The box is leased, so any damage would be added to your bill. So, did you wish to make a card payment so I can get you reconnected?”

    Customer: “LISTEN, YOU S***!”

    Me: “Can you please refrain from using bad language? You have not paid your bill for two months and would have received a notice and a final notice to warn you of this. If you are unwilling to pay the bill today there is nothing further I can do for you. Once you pay at [locations] or over the phone I can get you reconnected.”

    Customer: “YOU F****** B****! YOU CONNECT MY TV RIGHT NOW OR I’M COMING DOWN THERE WITH A KNIFE AND A BASEBALL BAT AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! CONNECT IT NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU!”

    (Although death threats are quite common, for some reason, maybe because I’m working my notice, I find this one extremely funny and begin to laugh.)

    Customer: “WHAT ARE YOU F****** LAUGHING AT?! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

    Me: “The reason I’m laughing, sir, is that you have threatened to kill me despite me having your full name and address on screen. I could report you to the police but to be honest I think that would be a waste of their time. So, did you want me to process a payment or not?”

    Customer: “I’M COMING DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE NOW WITH A BASEBALL BAT!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure how you’re going to as you live in [town about an hour and half drive] and I’m due to finish my shift in half an hour at an office where over 500 people are employed. You only have my first name and no idea what I look like, so I wish you well. Also, while you’ve been on the phone I’ve noticed your phone bill is also overdue and will make sure this service is also suspended so you do not incur any further fees to increase your outstanding balance. Now, if there is nothing further I can do for you I’ll have to say goodbye as I’m going home to watch the football match this afternoon.”

    Customer: *unintelligible screams*

    Me: *as brightly as possible* “In that case, thank you for your call. Goodbye.” *click*

    Underpinning Their Own Stupidity

    , | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Money

    (We aren’t allowed to know customer’s personal identification numbers (PIN). If they disclose it, we have to reissue a new one, blocking their current one and starting a seven day wait for a new one to be sent.)

    Me: “Okay, you’ll need your PIN to set up online banking. Without telling me what it is, can you tell me if you know your PIN?”

    Caller: “Why can’t I say my PIN?”

    Me: “It’s your secure PIN. You shouldn’t disclose it to anyone, not even me. If you do, I’m required to replace it. That will delay what you want to do today. So, please don’t tell me what it is. Do you know your PIN? Just yes or no will be fine.”

    Caller: “My PIN is 1234. I forbid you to replace it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I asked you not to tell me, and I explained why. I have to replace it now. I am truly sorry. It will take up to seven business days for you to receive it by mail.”

    Caller: “DON’T YOU DARE! I NEED ONLINE BANKING TO WORK TODAY!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I did explain this. I also have no option. I’m now required to replace your PIN for security.”

    Caller: “But I need this set up today! It’s urgent!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you clearly understood me. Can I ask, why did you tell me your PIN after I asked you not to?”

    Caller: “I DON’T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO!”


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