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    Let The Cat Out Of The Bag

    | NC, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I work for moving truck company. When your truck breaks down, you call me.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Truck Company] Emergency Road Service. My name is [My Name]. May I have your first and last name?”

    Customer: “LOOK HERE, B****! YOU DON’T NEED MY NAME! MY TRUCK IS ON FIRE AND I’VE GOT 8,000 PARAKEETS IN THE BACK OF IT!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. I suggest you hang up and call 911 and give them your location. If you’re on the highway they can usually find you by your nearest mile-marker or exit—”

    Customer: “YOU NEED TO SEND SOMEONE OUT HERE NOW! YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS F****** PIECE OF S***! I’M NOT GOING TO CALL ANYBODY!”

    Me: “Sir, your animals’ lives are in danger and yours might be, too. Please disconnect this call and phone the fire department.”

    Customer: “IT DON’T MATTER! THEY’RE ALL ALREADY DEAD AND I’M OUT OF THE D*** TRUCK! THEY WERE FOR STUFFING!”

    Me: “Sir, are you telling me that you have thousands of dead parakeets for taxidermy in the back of your truck and that you’re still not going to call the emergency line to get the fire department to come put our truck out? Sir, are you aware that our policy dictates that you may not have animals in our vehicles, dead or alive?”

    Customer: “I DON’T GIVE A F*** WHAT YOUR POLICY DICTATES! I WAS GOING TO MAKE THOUSANDS OFF THOSE BIRDS AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO PAY ME FOR THEM BECAUSE YOUR TRUCK BURST INTO FLAMES!”

    (I just hit the insurance line without a word, and went on break. My poor supervisor pinged me when I got back, laughing himself sick.)

    Can’t Go Without Within

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money

    Caller: “Why did you send me a letter saying I have to pay my bill 31 days before it’s due?”

    Me: “Ma’am, that letter is simply stating that you have to pay the bill WITHIN 31 days of the due date.”

    Caller: “Yes! The letter says WITHIN 31 days! That means BEFORE!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I deal with accounts similar to yours all day every day, and I’m telling you, you have 31 days PAST the due date to pay the bill.”

    Caller: “That’s not what this letter says! I want you to send me a letter in writing stating what you just said.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I sent you a letter stating what I just said you would receive the same letter you’re calling me about right now.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m going to send your company a letter to tell them I still haven’t received my bill for next month! I can’t afford not to have coverage!”

    Me: *finally giving up* “Would you like the address, ma’am?”

    Artificial Unintelligence, Part 2

    | Australia | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Welcome to the support team. You’re speaking with [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Check claim status.”

    (I realise he thinks I’m a recording.)

    Me: “Not a problem, sir. Can I ask which service your claim was for?”

    Caller: “Skip questions.”

    Me: “Um… sir, I do need to know the details of your claim so I can track it?”

    Caller: “Eugh! Stupid machine… SKIP questions!”

    Me: “Um.. I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not a machine. I need to know—”

    Caller: “Main menu!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not a recording. I can help with your enquiry, but I have to ask a few questions first.”

    Caller: “Oh, thank god. A person!”

    Related:
    Artificial Unintelligence

    Made An A** Out Of Just You

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work in a call centre quality assurance and I listen to the following call about a nationwide mail-in rebate campaign:)

    Irate Customer: “You guys told me I’d get a gift card for gas, and what I’m getting in mail today is some stupid rebate voucher that I have to mail back to you to get my money!”

    Agent: “I apologize, sir. This is an unusual instance of misinformation. Are you sure the agent you talked to before spoke about a gift card? Or about a rebate voucher?”

    Customer: “She talked about a voucher!”

    Agent: “Oh, so, you did know this was a voucher, not a gift card?”

    Customer: “Well, she did say a voucher, but I ASSUMED it was a gift card!”

    Can’t Avoid This Going Down The Toilet

    | Rochester, NY, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement

    (I take emergency maintenance calls from apartment complexes when the office is closed. A woman calls around 2 am.)

    Caller:  ”Why should I have to leave my apartment when I have to use the bathroom? That’s just not right.”

    Me: “I’ll call maintenance right away and send someone right over.”

    Caller:  ”Oh, he’s already here fixing the toilet. He’s been working on it for a while.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if maintenance is already working on the problem, I don’t know what you would want me to do.”

    Caller: “I thought you could tell me what I’m supposed to do until the toilet is fixed.”

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