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    You Shall Not Pass(word)

    , | MB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “I’m not getting my emails on my phone.”

    Me: “Okay, your email isn’t syncing because you haven’t typed your password in.”

    Customer: “What’s my password?!”

    Me: “I don’t know sir; it would be whatever you originally chose for a password.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t remember. Why don’t you know it?!”

    Me: “That would negate the purpose of a password, sir. You don’t WANT me to know your password. Your email accounts have nothing to do with [Company].”

    Customer: “AND YOU CALL YOURSELF CUSTOMER SERVICE?!” *storms out*

    You’re Not In Kansas Anymore

    , | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Tourists/Travel

    (I work as a supervisor taking calls. In my center, I have the highest authority on the phones. My name is common in Spain, Greece, and India.)

    Coworker: “I don’t know what this customer wants. She requested a supervisor, got me, and said I wasn’t good enough to handle the problem.”

    Me: “Okay, send her through.” *transfers* “Hello, ma’am. My name is [My Name]. I’m the supervisor on duty, and would like to know how I can help.”

    Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor.”

    Me: “I apologize. I’m unable to transfer you to anyone else. I am the top tier of support. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to talk to you. I want to talk to someone in the United States.”

    Me: “We only have call centers in the continental US. I’m located in Texas, and am waiting to know how I can assist with what you were calling about.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I am from India. You sound like me. You’re from India and the law says if I ask to speak with someone in the US that you have to transfer me.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have never heard of such a law. I’m physically unable to transfer you to anyone else, and have been patiently waiting to know how to assist you. Please let me help you with the reason you called, or I will have to end this call.”

    Customer: “Transfer me to who I was speaking with before.”

    Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, I can not transfer you anywhere else. Now, either tell me what I can do to help, or you can call back if you no longer wish to speak with me, as I can’t transfer you. Fair warning, though. We currently have a 30 minute hold time.”

    Customer: “I would like to know what time I leave tomorrow.”

    Me: “You depart at 0430, and land at 0625. What is your next request?”

    Customer: “That was all.” *click*

    (Exhausted with dealing with the caller, I look over to the only other person who has the same level of authority that I do.)

    Colleague: “Aren’t you the one who everyone always confuses with the recorded message because you have such a generic sounding accent?”

    Has Hang Ups Over Not Pressing Buttons

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at an IT department for a phone company handling calls from customers. This is the tail-end of a conversation my coworker has been having for over 30 minutes to help a self-proclaimed ‘Princeton-educated lawyer’ change the settings on her smartphone.)

    Coworker: “All right, ma’am, please listen to me. Do not touch any buttons on your phone before I tell you to. Do not touch any buttons before I tell you too. Please don’t press any buttons before I tell you. Now what you will need to do is [gives first set of instructions].”

    (The line immediately goes dead as the woman hung up. Three minutes later my coworker gets a flagged call saying someone is asking for him by name.)

    Customer: “Why the h*** did you hang up on me?!”

    Coworker: “Did you press any buttons?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. You told me to press [button that also hangs up].”

    Coworker: “Pressing that button hangs up the phone, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you say something?”

    Being Careful With Words Is Now A Mute Point

    , | Tarpon Springs, FL, USA | Geography, Technology

    (I front the calls for an insurance call center. I’m on the phone with a customer, chit-chatting a little about the weather difference, since he is from California. I put my mic on mute while I try to see which agents are free to transfer the call to. In the meantime, I hear the customer talking to his friend in the background.)

    Friend: “What’s that about?”

    Customer: “Something about life insurance. But you should hear her. She sounds hot! I wish I had it on speaker. She sounded really hot! Like seriously, you should hear her! Too bad we’re on opposite ends of the country. She’s in Florida. I guess she just moved from Minnesota.”

    (The entire time I can feel myself turning red, and debate on letting him know I can hear him, but I decide it’s time.)

    Me: “Actually, from Michigan! But close!”

    Customer: “Oh, from Michigan!”

    (At this point you can hear the realization in his voice.)

    Customer: “Oh, crap! You can hear everything? Oh, jeez! You should warn people! Like ‘I’m going to put you on hold but I can still hear you’!”

    Me: “Yeah, but that would take out all the fun!”

    Customer: “Oh man, this is so embarrassing! Well, at least you know somebody thinks you sound hot!”

    (I could hear both him and his friend crack up. It made my day!)

    Brain Unplugged

    | Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The caller is having a problem with his Internet connection that can be fixed by restarting the modem. He says he already did, and needs a tech to come out, but I can see the modem hasn’t been turned off in a very long time.)

    Me: “I’ll just have you unplug the modem for me right now, okay?”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “Okay, I can see the modem and it’s still online with us, so something else has been unplugged. It’s the skinny black wire coming out of the back of the modem. You can pull it right out of the back there; can you do that now for me please?”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “Are you sure? I can see it’s still online with us. Are there any lights lit up on the modem?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a bunch and two of them are flashing.”

    Me: “Okay, well, the modem doesn’t have any batteries in there so it’s still getting power from somewhere. Can you please pull that skinny black cord right out of the back of the modem? It’ll pull right out.”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “You pulled that skinny black cord out?”

    Caller: “Yeah, yeah, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “And what are the lights doing?”

    Caller: “They’re the same. Still two flashing.”

    Me: “And you pulled out that cord, did you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s unplugged!”

    Me: “That doesn’t seem possible for it to be getting electricity when it’s not plugged in.”

    (I can see perfectly well it’s still online and know he hasn’t unplugged it, but it’s not a type I can reboot from my end.)

    Caller: “Yeah, I told you. My Internet doesn’t work! Now can you please send me a tech?”

    Me: “Well, something certainly does seem to be wrong. The next appointment I have is in… three days.”

    Caller: “That’s fine. Thanks.”

    (I go ahead and book the tech, who will come out and get it online by unplugging it for a few seconds. For that, the caller has to wait for three days, when he could have just done what I told him to and been online again immediately!)

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