Your Connection Is Totally Forked

| Norway | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Technology

(I work at a call center for an Internet provider. This winter we have particularly bad weather. There has just been a huge thunderstorm over the west side of the country, frying both slams and modems all over. The call center is overloaded due to all the calls, and every time I get a new call I know the caller will spend the first 10 minutes complaining about the wait… which only makes the wait for other customers longer.)

Me: “Welcome to [Internet Provider]. Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *eerily cheery* “Oh, you sound nice! I’m so glad you decided to talk to me!”

Me: *not sure if this person is being sarcastic or not* “Um… Thanks? What can I do for you?”

Caller: *all of a sudden sounds very normal* “Oh, yeah. I kinda have a problem. You see, there is something wrong with my line. You know, into the house. And I’ve kinda fixed it myself, but now with all these storms, I’m not sure it will be good enough. So if there is any chance you could get a tech out and fix it before the next storm hits, that would be very much appreciated.”

Me: *happy this has turned into such a normal and nice call* “Sure! I’ll put in an order for a tech right now! But, just for the record, please note that we do not encourage people to fix their own lines… It could be quite a fire hazard.”

(I go ahead and get the usual info. Address, when the person is available, type of line etc. Everything seems normal.)

Me: “Okay, so just one more question. Do you know what caused damage to the line?”

Caller: “Well, it happened in another storm. In 1645!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Caller: “Yes! The big storm of 1645! It came loose from the connection point in my house because of the wind! And lightning! But I fixed it! With a fork!”

Me: “You… fixed it. With… a fork.”

Caller: *excited* “YES! But the fork is rusty now. It would be nice if you fixed it!”

Me: *defeated* “Sure. Why not.”

(I make a note of the whole stupid story in the tech’s order, send it on it’s way, and think no more of it. Two days later, a tech calls in and asks to talk to me. I get the call transferred.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. You wanted to talk to me?”

Tech: *super excited* “THERE REALLY WAS A FORK!”

A Development For The Lesser Developed

| Manila, Philippines | Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Technology

(I am a technical support person for an ISP in Australia. Customers often ask us where the calls are routed to. They really don’t mind as long as you help them but this one is just different. After walking an irate customer through the troubleshooting steps:)

Customer: “Where is this call routed to?”

Me: “Your call has been routed here in the Philippines.”

Customer: *in a rude tone* “So, I’m basically talking to a monkey?”

Me: “Yes, sir. A monkey who’s teaching you how to use your pocket wifi.”

Customer: “…” *click*

Unable To Channel The Caller

| Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work tech support for the Internet part of a company that also provides cable TV and cell phones, so sometimes we get calls meant for other departments. When that happens, we just transfer them over. One day I get a call from an older, heavily-accented caller.)

Me: “Thanks for choosing [Company] Internet tech support. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “My weather network, and the news, and, uh… it no work!”

Me: “Your Internet isn’t working?”

Customer: “No! Not Internet. TV! My weather channel isn’t working! And the news channel!”

Me: “Oh, your cable TV isn’t working!”

Customer: “”Right!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that! Well, you’ve reached Internet tech support, so let me get you right over to cable TV repair, and they’ll be able to look into that for you. Before I get you to them, do you have any Internet questions for me while you have me here?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “My weather channel isn’t working!”

Me: “Okay, well, then, let me get you right over to cable TV repair then. This will just put you back into hold while I get you to them. There may be just a brief wait–”

Customer: “Wait!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “My news channel isn’t working!”

Me: “Well, that’s still on your TV, so let’s get you right over to the right department–”

Customer: “Wait!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “My weather channel isn’t working either!”

Me: “Okay, well-let-me-get-you-right-over-to-the-right-guys-they’ll-be-with-you-in-just-a-sec-bye!” *hits transfer button*

High On Siridipity

| Belleville, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

(I am working as a tech support agent for a major tech company, enjoying the slow part of the day, when a call comes it. It starts off normal enough, but gets strange rather quickly.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, man, my device won’t stop talking to me.”

Me: *can hear Siri talking in the background* “All right, I can certainly see what I can do to help you out with that.”

(I pull up his device’s information and see that it has no extended warranty, just the complimentary 90-day time period that is about to run out.)

Me: “All right, sir. Before we begin, would you be interested in purchasing our extended warranty?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: *explain the details of the extended warranty*

Customer: “Yeah, man, sounds good if I need it to stop her from talking.”

Me: “Er… well, you don’t need it right now, but it’s a good idea to have it.”

Customer: “If I need it for today, go ahead and set it up, man. I just… I just want to kill her so she’ll stop talking.”

(It is at this point I realize that the customer is rather high.)

Me: “Er… did you just say you want to kill Siri?”

Customer: “Yeah, man. She won’t shut up. I want to kill her.”

Me: “You mean turn her off?”

Customer: “No, I want to kill her.”

Me: “O-Okay, tell you what. You stay on the line. I’ll get my senior advisor on the line. He’s better suited to help you with this… situation.”

Customer: “Okay, man. Whatever you say.”

(I grabbed one of my senior advisors and explained the situation to him. He started laughing. I told him I was looking forward to reading the notes on the call and transferred the customer on over. I looked back at the notes later and they went as follows.)

Notes:

-Customer transferred over to me.

-Customer states that he wants to kill Siri.

-Suggest that we shut off Siri; attempt to guide customer through the steps.

-Customer has trouble following my steps.

-Customer proudly proclaims that Siri is now speaking Finnish.

-Recommend to Customer that we change Siri’s language back to English.

-Customer not willing to cooperate, wants to kill Siri.

-Recommend that he sleep the rest of the night and give us a call back the next morning.

His Name Is Olaf And He Likes Hot Cheeseburgers

| AZ, USA | Awesome Customers, Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I am a male and take chats from the website of a large North American cable company.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company] sales chat! My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Yes, [My Name], it’s Olaf!”

Me: “Hello, Olaf! How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “I need Internet, and I have a few questions. One: which service is best for gaming. Two: how much is a rental modem, and do you like cheeseburgers?”

Me: “Well, Olaf, that would be [Product], that modem is $3.99 per month, and I love cheeseburgers! Now, let’s get this ordered. I’ll be on with you to make sure all goes well!”

(The customer goes through the order without interruption, and an order number populates my screen.)

Me: “I see that order is [number]! Is there anything else I can assist you with today?”

Customer: “Well, [My Name], that was easy! I have to say, my name really isn’t Olaf. It’s too bad I’m married, because I think I have a crush on you.”

Me: “Ha ha ha, And I, you, Not-Olaf!”

Customer: “If only this did not have to end.”

Me: “Alas, Not-Olaf all things come to an end. So I must ask: is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “D***, I knew you would say that! But I guess I’ve bothered you enough. Goodbye, sexy.”

Me: “Bye Not-Olaf! This made my day!”

(Customer closes chat.)

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