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    Queen Of Hearts On Line Two

    | MT, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (I’m doing troubleshooting with a customer, mostly to see if I can figure out what’s wrong with her washer. She’s just unplugged it for one minute and plugged it back in.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try to get it to fill up with water, and then manually switch it to a point in the cycle where it drains.”

    Caller: “Okay! I’ll do a speed wash, then you can call me back in 20 minutes when it’s done!”

    Me: “Great idea!”

    (I hear beeping in the background, and I’m assuming this is the machine beginning the cycle.)

    Caller: “Oh, no! I think we broke it more!”

    Me: *panicking* “Oh, no! What’s it doing?”

    Caller: “Now the water isn’t even filling up! All the hoses are connected and everything!”

    Me: “Oh, no! Well, I’ll go ahead and set up you for service then.”

    Caller: “You were supposed to fix it, not make it worse! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

    (The caller yells the last bit, and I jump so badly I fall out of my chair and knock my headset off. When I pick it back up, I hear her laughing.)

    Caller: “Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry I scared you! I was only fooling!”

    Me: “That’s okay. I’m awake now.”

    South Of The Border Of Unreason

    | Tijuana, Mexico | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a company that works on providing phone-based tech support to other US-based telephone companies.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Oh, hello. My name is [Name]. I have a box from [Provider] that I want removed from my lawn. It’s been sitting there for two days.”

    Me: “Well, sir, you should have picked it up, since once the equipment arrives to your home it becomes your responsibility, and you must ship it back.”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. I want you to send somebody from [Provider] to pick up that box for me.”

    Me: “Sir, I can send you over someone to pick it up, but that’s going to cost you $75 USD.”

    Caller: “No. I want it picked up for free. I don’t want that box.”

    Me: “Then you must pick it up yourself and send it back to [Provider] via UPS or postal service, or drop it off with a sales representative at a [Provider] store.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to do it. I want you to pick it up for me and take it away. For free. Don’t you understand? Am I calling to India or something like that?”

    Me: “You are speaking to Tijuana, Mexico, and I do understand you, sir. However, we cannot send anyone to pick up the box, since it’s your responsibility to do so.”

    Caller: “You must speak Spanish. Bring someone over to the phone who can understand English.”

    Me: “I do understand you, sir. But that doesn’t change that you must still bring that box yourself or you will be charged for not returning the equipment.”

    Caller: “No, you are speaking Spanish. Bring me someone who can speak English.”

    Me: “Sir, we’re speaking in English.”

    Caller: “I doubt it.”

    Me: “Well, believe it. We’re speaking in English.”

    Caller: “I refuse to speak with you. Bring me someone who can speak English. Bring me your f****** supervisor.”

    (My supervisor in this moment was away on a meeting, and the only supervisor available that day was already taking a call.)

    Me: “Sir, my supervisor will tell you the same.”

    Caller: “Then f****** bring me your supervisor’s boss.”

    Me: “Even if I take it to God himself, he’ll still tell you that you must grab that box and ship it back via postal service. And this is your first warning, sir. If you keep talking that way, I will be forced to terminate this call.”

    Caller: “Bring me your f****** supervisor. I refuse to speak with you, f****** wetback.”

    (Our company has a policy of reserving the right to withdraw from this kind of calls if the customer comes up with these kinds of tantrums.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider tech support]. We apologize that your problem will go unresolved. Do not bother calling back. Have a nice day.” *click*

    (When I later check the records, I found out that this customer had already called four times for the same reason!)

    Actually Wore Her Name Out

    | Battle Creek, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Before I tell you anything, I want to know your name. I’m not about to be taken advantage of. I’m old.”

    Me: “That’s no problem, ma’am. My name is Chelsea. ”

    Caller: “What did you say? Carly?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, Chelsea.”

    Caller: “Casey?”

    Me: “Chelsea, with a “C.H.”"

    Caller: “Patchy?”

    Me: “… Yes.”

    Just Crushed Her Saga

    , | USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

    Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

    Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

    (I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

    Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

    Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

    Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

    Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

    Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

    Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

    Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

    Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

    (There is a prolonged silence.)

    Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

    Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

    (The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

    How To Identify The Idiot

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work at the call centre of a theater.)

    Me: “Good morning. You are calling [Theater Name].”

    Caller: “I got an email telling me that I’ve been charged for tickets that I didn’t buy! I want a refund! This is fraud! Someone did ‘identity theft’ to me!”

    Me: “All right. Let me just see in the account. Can you tell me the email address?”

    Caller: “It’s [email address].”

    Me: “Okay. I do see that a purchase matches this email address. Are you Marc?”

    Caller: “No! I want my money back. This is fraud!”

    Me: “However, this seems to be the email of a garage. Do you own a garage? Maybe one of the employees is named Marc and could have used this email address when he made the purchase?”

    Caller: “No this is fraud! I don’t have employees!”

    Me: “Okay, maybe it’s one of your friends? Do you maybe know a ‘Marc’ living in Laval?”

    Caller: “That’s the guy that stole my identity? Do you have his address? Give me his address! I’m gonna go f*** him up!”

    Me: “I can’t do that sir. Even if you don’t know the person who made the purchase, sometimes people make mistakes while entering their email address when they make a purchase online. It happens all the time. Now I can verify that you have actually been charged—”

    Caller: “This is bulls***! My identity was stolen. This is fraud! FRAUD! I’m calling the cops!”

    (He hangs up. Twenty minutes later we get another call.)

    Police: “Hi. This is [Name] from the police department. I’m here with a man that says he was victim of identity theft and fraud from your company?”

    Me: “Actually, he got an email confirmation of a purchase made under someone else’s name. He hung up before I could verify if his credit card was actually charged.”

    Police: “All right. Could you check this with him right now?”

    Me: “Sure. Can I speak with him?”

    Caller: “Yeah?”

    Me: “Like I tried to tell you before you hung up, sir, I can verify if your credit card was actually charged. Could you give me your card number, please?”

    Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD!”

    Me: “…”

    Police: “I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” *click*


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