In Case Of Emergency, Use Brain

, | Hanover, Germany | Extra Stupid

(I’m working in the insurance field service. One of many things I have to deal with is containing damages on the telephone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “My house is burning!”

Me: *confused* “Your house is burning?”

Customer: “My house is burning! What should I do?”

Me: “Have you called the fire department?”

Customer: “No, I thought the insurance wanted to see the damage before–” *disconnects*

Trust Me, You’re (Not) A Doctor

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Health & Body

Me: “Hello, this is ***** Healthcare line. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling because my son just ate a bunch of ants.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Your son ate ants?”

Caller: “Yes! I was wondering if I need to take him to the hospital and see a doctor.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think you need to worry. I don’t think the ants will make him sick, but I advise that he doesn’t eat any more of them.”

Caller: “Well, I gave him some ant killer to get rid of them.”

Caller’s friend: “Get him to the emergency room, now!”

Spoiled Like The Food On Your Dirty Dishes

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Family & Kids, Top

(I answer phones for a major appliance company. It’s Saturday.)

Customer: “My dishwasher’s broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that! Would you like me to schedule a technician to come out for you?”

Customer: “No! [Company] already did that! They told me I have to wait till Monday! I can’t believe you people expect me to go two whole days without a dishwasher. This is inhumane! I can’t do this. I have four kids!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it sounds to me like you have four dishwashers.”

Customer: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids! I can’t believe the nerve of you people!”

Me: “Well, do you give them an allowance?”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”

Me: “Do they do chores to earn it?”

Customer: “My children don’t have to earn their way through life. They’re angels!”

Honest Heisters

| Dublin, Ireland | Criminal/Illegal

Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

An I For An Eye

| Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

Me: “What’s your name, ma’am?”

Caller: “Miriam.”

Me: “‘M’ as in Mary, ‘I’ as in India–”

Caller: “No! ‘I’ as in the eye in your face!”

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