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    Business Must Be Slow

    | UK |

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to [phone company]. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I’ve just tried to top up my phone and it won’t work. Can you put it back on?”

    Me: “Sorry, that number is now cancelled. It cannot be reactivated as it has been recycled.”

    Customer: *horrified* “How dare you! That number belongs to me! It is absolutely vital I get that number back. It is my business number! You people are costing me money and putting my livelihood at risk! I’ll sue! This is a disgrace!”

    Me: “Madam, that number has been disconnected from your account for seven years. It has been used by two other customers since you last had it.”

    Customer: *click*

    Unable To Master Their Card

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you. May I have the name as it appears on your credit card?”

    Customer: “Visa.”

    How To Connect To The Printernet

    | Bismarck, ND, USA |

    (A customer calls in complaining that her internet wasn’t working. I begin walking through the troubleshooting steps.)

    Me: “Is the modem plugged into the power outlet?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Is the modem connected to the cable jack? And, are the lights all on it?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “And the modem is plugged directly into the computer?”

    Caller: “Yes, with a USB cable.”

    (About ten minutes pass of me trying to figure out the problem, to no avail.)

    Caller: “I don’t understand it! Everything is plugged in right, the cable is connected to the modem, and the modem is plugged into the printer!”

    Me: “Wait, the printer?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s plugged into the printer. The printer is plugged into the computer so it will go through it.”

    Their Statement Speaks Volumes

    | OH, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I assist you today?”

    Customer: “I can’t get the volume on my phone to go up.”

    Me: “Okay, I can assist with that. See the buttons on the left side of your device?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “You push them in the up direction.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay!”

    (I hear some rustling around.)

    Customer: “I can’t seem to get them off. Isn’t there some way for you to turn it up from there?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. The only way you can turn up your volume is by pushing those buttons. They are the volume buttons.”

    Customer: “Is there a supervisor I can speak to? I think they can turn my phone up for me.”

    Related:
    Their Question Speaks Volumes

    Plight Of The Navigator

    , | Provo, UT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [ISP] technical support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “How do I get to gmail.com?”

    Me: “Type gmail.com into the navigation field of your web browser and hit enter.”

    Customer: “Huh. It says gmail: email from Google. The next one is Gmail – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Then, just a big list of things with ‘gmail’ in it.”

    Me: “Just a moment, sir. Where exactly did you type gmail.com?”

    Customer: “Into the box where the words go, near the top.”

    Me: “Is there another box with words in it even higher up? Maybe starting with http://. It’s probably followed by a www?”

    Customer: “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “What does it say in that box?”

    Customer: “It says http://search.yahoo.com. Then, there’s a bunch of other stuff. Oh. Wait. What?”

    Me: “Well, what that is–”

    Customer: “Somebody needs to tell Gmail what Yahoo did to them!”

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