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  • Deal With The Burning Issue First, Part 2

    | Glasgow, UK |

    (I work at directory inquiries.)

    Me: “Which name, please?”

    Caller: “I’d like the number for the local fire station.”

    Me: “Searching for you now.”

    Caller: “Can you hurry up? My kitchen’s on fire.”

    Me: “Sir, hang up right now and then dial emergency services!”

    Caller: “Hold on.” *he’s away for over a minute* “Right, I’ve got a pen and paper now. What was the number?”

    Deal With The Burning Issue First

    Don’t Be A Data Hater, Part 2

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia |

    Me: “Hi, it’s James from [internet company]. Do you have a few moments to discuss a few of our products?”

    Customer: “I’ll never go with [internet company].”

    Me: ” I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask why?”

    Customer: “Someone I hate works for you.”

    Me: ” Well, depending on who they are, they may have nothing to do with your service.”

    Customer: “I don’t care how they’re involved. I hate them!”

    Don’t Be A Data Hater

    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4

    | Texas, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer care. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “F*** you.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?

    Customer: “You heard me. F*** you. F*** you and your stupid f***ing g**d**** company. You are all a bunch of pieces of s***, and I hope you rot in h***.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry you feel that way. Now, if you continue to talk like that, I will have to disconnect this call. However, I don’t want to do that. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah. You can give me back my g**d**** money.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Let me look up your account. What’s your first and last name?”

    Customer: “My name is ‘Give Me My Money.’”

    Me: “Sir, I am trying to process the refund for you. However, without your name, I cannot locate your account. Now, what’s your first and last name?”

    Customer: “It’s [Name]. You guys are nothing but a bunch of thieves and scammers. Does it feel good that you know that you’re going to h***?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but please do not speak to me in such a way. The next time I will disconnect the call.”

    (I check for his name.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I was not able to locate your account.”

    Customer: “What? That’s f***ing bulls***! You better give me my g**d**** money back right f***ing now, or I swear to God I’m gonna f***ing bomb you and your family!”

    Me: “Now, sir, threats like that can be taken to authorities as all these calls are recorded. What system did you use?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to tell you that. That’s stupid. You know my name, so you should see what I have purchased.”

    Me: “Sir, I apologize I was not able to find your name. However, we have multiple products with multiple prices. If you can give me the product name, I can locate the account’s history and see if there is a transaction under your name.”

    Customer: “It’s the [Product].”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have a product with that name.”

    Customer: “What the f*** do you mean that you don’t have a product with that name?! I knew it was a f***ing scam! I’m out $700 dollars now. F*** you and your f***ing company! Kiss my a**!”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have anything priced like that either. What company are you calling?”

    Customer: [Company].

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our company. Our company name is [Our Company].”

    Customer: “Bulls***!” *pauses* “Oh, whoops. I do have the wrong number. Sorry about that. You have a nice day.”

    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Impractical Jokes

    , | Muskegon, MI, USA | Top

    Me: “911, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, a police–”

    Caller: “What?!”

    (Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

    Caller, to someone else: “You ****! You scared the **** out of me! A prank?! I called the **** police! I could have gone to jail!”

    Caller, to me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

    Me: “Um, alright.”

    Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”

    Where There’s Smoke

    | Wales, UK |

    (I work at a fire alarm service company. I take a call from an exclusive boarding school.)

    Caller: “Your stupid fire system is going off again! It’s always doing this. We’re having an open day for parents, and this is going to ruin our reputation!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. Have you checked that there isn’t a fire?”

    Caller: “It’s always false alarms. Just tell me how to turn it off.”

    (I explain how to stop the alarm from sounding. However, it will only work if the detectors are no longer detecting a fire.)

    Caller: “It hasn’t worked. It’s still saying that there is a fire in the dormitory!”

    Me: “Have you checked the dormitory for fire?”

    Caller: “Stay on the line. I’ll check.”

    (The line goes silent for ten minutes, but I can hear background noise.)

    Caller: “The dormitory is on fire.” *click*

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